My world w2 y 4

I think I can guess what words are missing I just feel the english language is such a beautiful one that those words don't need to applied ...

I'm not folicly challenged I'm just bald <---- whats wrong with that ?

Political correctness is the pits <__________once again no need to use profanity

Yes I'm not a big fan of it myself and yes this world is becoming over protective , the feminazies is John Laws ( radio commentator ) term for those women in Australia who want to shut things down such as Miss Australia/ Miss Universe ...

Your song portrays alot of emotion and feeling which is a good thing ....

Just a little piece watch your metres

this is music not poetry

Thanks King

at least you replied to my attempt to write a song , and point taken about the swearing will find better words next time ..

thnx

Hi Hilch,

As a second attempt ever at a song I think you've done really well. There are some things I would change and add if it was mine. The way it reads I think it polarises people, and if that was your intention then that's fine. If however you wanted to tell us about how you feel you've lost something because of political correctness then, I would add some more about why you call a spade a spade. As it stands now, all I know that you think that the whole PC movement has gone too far but I don't really know why. Id drop the swearing too I think. I think you should stick with this song cos from a writing perspective its not bad.
Your now at the next level where what your saying is now the focal point not the how, so congratulations and keep it up.
Cheers
pbee

Thanks Pbee

Polarises ? I don't quite understand where your coming from .... ( sorry )

I will work on the actual lyrics I use in future to get the WHAT across in more descritive ways .... ( I belive that is what your talking about ) ,,,,,

Thanks again for the feed back I'm here to learn and I will take all advise on board

hilch

Hilch,

Good Job.

I too would consider leaving out the swearing
or at least save it for the final chorus.
That way it would have some impact. As you
have it written it's over kill.

A good example of this would be John Lennon's
Working Class Hero. He uses the "F word" but
only once. This makes it stand out and helps you
feel his anger and frustration.

John

Hilch.. Add me in buddy.. I do like the song and I think it conveys your point of view very nicely. But I would also agree on the words. Its not a PC thing about you not putting vulgarities into a song but to me, and this is just my opinion, as a songwriter it usually just waste space that you could use being more descriptive. It also, to me again, diminished the song a bit as being immature.

You know how you see a group of teens hanging out sometimes and it seems they are always cussing?? Thats what i mean..

And I certainly dont mean to offend you or discourage you because you are becoming one heck of a songwriter if this is only your second try.

Keep it coming.. /cheer

Geoo

Hi Hilch,
Polarises? I don't quite understand where your coming from .... ( sorry )

What I mean by polarising is that, the way the song is written you have clearly taken sides over the issue. In my experience what that means is that the reader is generally forced into either agreeing with you or not (either one end of the pole or the other) even if they partially agree with you its still a position somewhere along the pole that they feel compelled to take. Polarising people is not a bad thing, in fact it's the essence of a protest song, cos you want to shake people up a bit. But there's always a consequence, cos it puts people into an emotional rather than logical state. So sometimes people wont try to understand what your saying if they are reacting only to the way they feel. I hope that makes sense.

Cheers
pbee

Yes now I have had a real hard look at what everyone is saying and taking time to read what I wrote I agree the swearing is immature , but I did want so... badly to write a proteset song about all this P.C cr^p filling up our day 2 day lives . Yes I agree don't have naked women hanging on walls where women can see them , but in a mens locker room where we shower ..... does that not make anyone else question these pathetic rules that are governing us ????

I'm not saying that pictures of naked women are acceptable in work places because one never knows when a child or a lady may enter our work places, but I can tell everyone I'm 42 the only job I have ever had since leaving school aged 15 is what I am doing now. Never Never has a child / Female anyone other then the men who work there have ever entered our locker room ...

There is a time and place for every thing isn't there ? I smoke but I can't smoke in our vehicles , offices , lunch rooms now they want to make it a non-smoking work place . Everyone at work smokes and will be given sufficient time to quit or find other jobs ? no they will just say as of .......( when ever ) this will be a non smoking area . Good for them because thats when I 'll go .......and take all my years experience with me .

Thanks for all your replies I will just have to try a little harder for my 3 song

thanks

Thanks for all your replies I will just have to try a little harder for my 3 song

thanks

Not at all, your doing great Hilch.. Just offering suggestions. As far as PC goes.. I am not sure I would wanna look at neked ladies on the wall.. But I totally agree with you that the PC movement is out of control.

Preach on brotha :D

Geoo

Hilch,
I think your is song good. And just quietly, I also think that the PC movement to out of touch with people, cos we are emotional beings and not always logical. Rules and laws tend to be logical.
but I did want so... badly to write a protest song about all this P.C
I think you succeeded, protest songs by their nature get people fired up (polarised), so well done :D.
I will just have to try a little harder for my 3 song
That can't a bad thing, but dont put yourself down, your 2nd song was good.

As a writer you can manipulate (horrible word) your audience but as Spidermans dad said "With great power comes great responsibility" (great line), so the way you write your song IS going to affect your audience you just have to be prepared to accept their reactions.
Jeez where Chris_C when you need him :D
Im looking forward to #3

cheers
pbee

Yes

Iagree Pbee what you have here is actually fairly well written , ( I just don't like the swearing that's all ) but other people in the world do like that sort of thing , Dylan sung protest songs with some curses in . Big diference between cursing the world and actually belittling your self to swearing.

I also look foward to number 3 and hope I don't have to wait as long as I did for number 2 , we are here to help each other no-one in this thread has given you nothing but encouragement and thats what we are about ... Keep writting Hilch your becoming really good at this .. a protest song ? well don't protest songs get the masses talking about them ? Are we or are we not talking about your song ?

So you must have succeeded then well down

lets see if you can post another song next week , thats the hard bit posting one after another

L.k

Hilch,

I also think this is great for a 2nd attempt!

One comment I might make is that as a listener I might tune it out because it is only about "the guys". This song is important to a man and what he loses when his rights are taken away, but most women listening to the song might not care that the picture is being taken down (or think it's a bad thing) and then not listen to your opinion of the subject. I'm not sure I'm getting my point across very well, but I think if you omit women then they will disregard your song. Does that make sense? Now just as a suggestion, I might include something in the song might draw a woman in.

I'm not saying that as women we have to be included in everything but if you want that listener than you might have to "speak to them" as well. Maybe it's not important to you either, which is ok too.

Looking forward to the next week. G. :)

At first, it struck me as being a little trivial issue...but when I thought about it some more, I realised it's not just about one issue, but the whole PC/Big Brother issue, and as such, it made me think, so you got the point across, job done!

As far as the swearing issue goes, I feel sometimes a well-placed cuss word will heighten the impact of a song, but overuse them, the impact is diluted...

And can I just point out Lennon swore twice in "Working Class Hero".....

Anyway, I like it Hilch...keep 'em coming!

:D :D :D

Vic

Been thinking about Rocket girls post and what Vic had to say .....

Remember when they where man holes ? not service entrances ?

But we still say amen in church , I think if you had that sort of irony in your song it would please listeners more ..

Verticly challenged - short people - thats me

there is a whole range of stupid things that have been altered to suit those moronic interlectuals who have nothing better to do then fill our lives with their idea of the perfect world.......