SSG 13

hey Kathy, i like this, it has a good rythmn and it hits close to home (mill just shutdown), loved the lines,

And there's just so much a man can take
So many blows upon his pride
Til he loses all his self respect
Til he's eaten up inside

not sure how it plays into the music but you might want to split the last line in the chorus,

And before you've had your coffee
Or your feet have hit the floor
I'll be tossing you the paper
aiming at your door

aiming might add to the frustration factor he's feeling, just a thought, great song.

I like this one, as well as the last one you did. Your a very good lyricist.

Sytys made a good suggestion about splitting the last line of the chorus, but neither one seems inherentally better then the other. I'm sure you'll find whatever fits the music in the end.

If I may add to what he said though, I think sometimes people will do the chorus the way you have it throughout the song, and then split the last line so that it comes right after the guitar stops. The only example I can think of is in trent reznor's, or more recentally and more pronounced, in Jonny Cash's version of Trent Reznor's Hurt. Where at the end he goes,
"and I will find" - then pauses
"A way"

I'm not sure if that fits exactally what I'm trying to put across, but it sure as heck is touching if it is.

Melodica, eh? :wink:

Add in a simple and appropriate bass line and you've got yourself a good one. Maybe, just maybe, add a few slide fills on the Dobro here and there.

You have a great knack for making the speech of the "common working folk" very melodic and this works well here. The only line that gave me touble with reading was:
Instead of doing anything I can
To keep heart and soul alive

simply because of the meter. I'd like to suggest adding the word "this" to the last line:

Instead of doing anything I can
To keep this heart and soul alive

I know, it's a truly minor thing!

Great work again!

(and you were worried about the subjects being too close together! I've half a mind (yes, insert your own punchline here! :wink: ) to ask Bob to give us this assignment again next week!)

Peace

HMMM who do I know that plays the melodica? :shock:
David I don't think I could come up with another lonely job decription that hasn't already been referenced here. If I didn't get the paper delivered I wouldn't have come up with this one!
The last line is givijng me some pause as well. But until I get some music to this I won't be sure. I'm hearing a Mark Knoffler or Bruce Springsteem kind of vibe on this.

Well I saw this pop up and I thought wow a song by one of my favorite lyricists.

It's very good. I like it. I think really sparse instrumentation and spaces in the music would suit it.

Let me tell you the only thing I think it's missing, a smattering of imagery.

The lyric leads me there but I wonder:

Chains and padlocks on the gate
picket signs strewn on the ground
the words local 672 on a sign on the wall that smacks in the wind
the neon bar sign that don't light no more cause no one is there when the whistle screams and the owners just packed up and moved away

broken windows that nobody bothers to fix
the chain link fence
barrels with fires and people keeping warm
railroad tracks that are rusted cause the train doesn't stop here anymore and the grass grows up between the ties.

Those are the pictures I get.

What pictures do you get? Do you think you could make a minor change to one or two words to give us the flavor of what you see? Something Springsteeny if you know what I mean.

Ok Nick, I see what you're saying, literally. I've come up with a bridge:

Now my rusted old car's
Seen ten years or more
But she'll still get the job done
And Chicago looks clean
And not quite so mean
When you're out before the sun...

Whaddaya think?

great job, please post the link when you record this

Ok, I think I have a final edit here; Any comments welcome!

My daddy worked for fifty years
Over at the mill
I follwed right behind him
And I would be ther still
If they hadn't closed the place down
Sent all the business overseas
They gave us all our notice
And brought the union to it's knees

Now the truck drops off the bundles
Every morning around three
And I sort and roll and fumble
Then it's off to work for me
And before you've had your coffee
or your feet have hit the floor
I'll be bringing your newspaper
Aiming at your door

Thought I'd come up with somthing better
Before the benefits ran down
But there's twenty thousand workers
For each opening around
And ther's just so much a man can take
So many blows upon his pride
Til he loses all his self respect
Til he's eaten up inside

Now this rusty old car's
Seen ten years or more
But she gets the job done
And Chicago looks clean
And not quite as mean
When you're out before the sun

I'd like to have a morning
To sleep in with my wife
And I'd like to see that pension
I've been promised all my life
But right now I think I'd settle
For a steady nine to five
Instead of doing anything I can
To keep this heart and soul alive

Now the sun is slowly rising
As I finish up my route
But I have to hurry home
To change into my suit
Cause I met a man who knows a man
Who might be hiring at his store
Then I'll give up my run
And some other man's son
Will bring the paper to your door

Yeah I'll give up this run.
And let some other man's sone
Aim the paper at your door.

Very Good Kathy,

Sounds like Springsteen at his acoustic best to me.

Love the bridge

One small suggestion.
I'll be bringing your newspaper
Aiming at your door

How about:

I'll be bringing your morning paper
Aiming at your door

Some how it makes it a little more "Springsteeny" as
Nick would say.

John