SSG 2 week 41 Points of view

nice try i can't agree more of how hard it seems especially to write for different points of view. I would suggest changing
Look at the mess that I'm making of you

to

Look at the mess,
I'm making of you.

Well done Beren,

The chorus is very good. the line "Look what a mess I'm making of you" takes on a different connotation for each POV. Very clever.

Just to set the record straight:
I took Scratch's point and if the muse gives you an idea than you'd darn well better work with it.
That's not my point. It's Marv's. And he does it every single week too. I'm almost never able to do it. I usually try several ideas until one seems to start to gel. Probably one reason his stuff always looks so professional. (that, and the fact that he's so freakin' talented)

Anyways, you should be pleased with your submission for this week, I think. Very nice job.

-- Scratch

hey beren,

great job *pat on the back*. i have to admit that when i read the first three lines i wasn't too sure that you were going to be able to pull off the assignment. after i finished reading the song my initial thoughts were totally wrong. i really like it. it is simple with a great tenderness. i like the points of view that you take. it isn't just from third person, you actually get the point of view of the abuser.

the only little things that i would change have already been said by previous commenters.

the only thing left is to come up with a catchy title.

keep up the good work.

-CheapThrill

hi beren :)

great song, it really is.
I like the way your song pulls me in and doesn't leave me outside to watch.
if you decide to make it a sad kind of song with the music then the tragic of it all (for example that it is the woman's fault that she gets hit-and her husband and child both blame it on her)certainly will bring somebody to tears(me!)

I like your rhymes...e.g. the one in the first verse
For a night on the town
I'll wear the long sleeves
So no one will frown

only thing to mention might be the title...(I think there are many songs with this title...silverchair got one called 'point of view', too...but either way I think it's ok to share titles...as long as you came up with it yourself and didn't know there were other songs with the same title)

really good work:)
bluenightangel

Hi Beren
just want to say good job (on a subject that definitely need addressed)
the only thing I don't like is the chorus at the beginning of the song

Thanks for your comments everybody. I really find the feedback incredibly helpful and I believe my song writing has been getting a bit better as a result of peoples' ideas.
Sorry for attributing Marv's comments to you Scratch (for some reason in my minds eye I tend to think of the two of you being fairly alike I don't know why. I think your writing styles and critiques must bear something in common).
I agree the song needs a title 'Points of view' was never intended as a title. Actually it was just to remind me which song I was working on.
I was thinking of calling this piece 'Tenderness' to represent the ideas both of gentle love but also pain.
I will also change the way I have layed out the chorus.
I'm not sure why I wrote it like that in the first place with the long 3rd line.

Bluenight I don't think I was trying to say that it is the woman's fault that she gets hit -although maybe it reads that way - but more the fact that she still loves her husband and child even though that love means that she will continue to suffer. As you point out they do blame her for getting hit.
I was just trying to capture some of the twisted emotions that might be going on in a family in which abuse is happening.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
I really should choose easier topics to write about
Beren

hey beren,
Thanks for your comments everybody. your welcome.
I really should choose easier topics to write about why? you did a good job with this topic; don't sell yourself short.

-CheapThrill

Great job!

This is not a subject that I'd like to tackle, get it even slightly wrong and the knives would be out......chorus is perfect, even with the long third line - I'm guessing you've got some kind of tune in mind that would fit...

Vic.

hello beren:)

I really didn't mean to say it's the woman's fault I just wanted to mention that you can clearly tell that the man &child act like it's her fault and that this makes the wrongness of that opinion even more understandable. sorry for putting it wrong.

I like 'tenderness' for a title.
like cheap thrill I don't think you should choose easier topics as long as you feel comfortable with what comes out in the end.
although I agree with vic that I myself would tend to stay away from these kinda topics because I don't want to hurt anybody...(look at the first lines I wrote in this post, I'm sorry :oops: )

love,
bluenightangel

Hey don't apologise Bluenight I wasn't criticising you I just didn't want you to get the wrong impression about the meaning of the song.
Of course this is the whole problem with writing about emotive subject matter.I still think you have to write these songs though if you have got them inside you. What I tried to do with this song was write in a non-judgemental way and just write the most superficial thoughts that were going through the heads of the 3 characters.
I think if I had tried to start apportioning blame then I really would have opened up a can of worms
Hopefully the listener is left to make up their own mind about the situation and perhaps find parrallels in their own lives which is what makes a song meaningful in the end.
Beren