SSG 3 - Week 2

Hi'a, good to see you back after soo long

Nice imagery going through your head here, and I am glad it is just an " what if" song. won't like to be in there shoes, you've captured that real well.

as for verses 3 and 4 , I didn't have a problem when reading it through the first time but I have a couple of things I might change in bold here below if it helps any

Happily ever after
Go the books I once read
Is there a for ever after
Standing surrounded the dead

I presume here in the fourth verse "he" is refering to god.???

[V4]
I can't just ignore
All these words that he has sent
(But) and I just can't believe ( I would change but to and here
That this is what he meant

My 10c worth

Go well
Ja'mir :wink:

Thanks, and it's nice to be back. Hope you're well.

The 'he' in the fourth verse is referring to God as is the 'he' in the first bridge.

I see where you're coming from with your suggestions and definitely think it would improve it, so cheers.

I was actually afraid of creating a totally tastless set of lyrics and that weighed heavily on my mind when I chose the topic. You see I'm not thirteen, not that religious, nor am I from any kind of war-torn country. So it was really uncommon ground for me. Cheers.

By the way my problem with the third and fourth verses wasn't that they didn't work, just that they didn't capture this characters thoughts the way I was hoping. In the third verse he is comparing the fairytale stories of western literature to his life and in the fourth verse he is beginning to question his faith or at least the interpretation of his faith. Now although they're ok they could better that's all. I like your suggestion, by the way, it kind of introduces the reality and normality of death within his environment.

Thanking you,

Pete. :)

I like Jamir's suggestion for the changes for the 3rd verse....4th might read a little better if you made it something like

I just can't ignore,
All those messages He sent.......

Again just a minor alteration but might help the flow...this is a pretty good take on the assignment....

Vic

:) :) :)

Hi'a
Well all things considered your "thoughts" were very acurate,
I also am no where near thirteen .... that was too many years ago to remember, not religeous in a christian sense but do work and live in the Middle East .....so from my point of view you picked up the perspective incredibly well

I was actually afraid of creating a totally tastless set of lyrics and that weighed heavily on my mind when I chose the topic.
Tis is no where near tastless, anything but

Well done

Ja'mir :)

Hey P_Allen,

If you can endure one more kibitzer -- here's my tweak on those verses:
[V3]
Happily ever after
Went a book that I once read
I'm aimin for ever after
But the happiness has gone out my head

Happily ever after
Went a book that I once read
I'm aimin for ever after
seems happiness is dead.

The reference to the death of happiness seems more in line with the whole war / death / destruction feeling of desperation you're going for. I was thinking of re-wording the third line too, but the word "aimin" ties in with that same theme, and I think it's a very well-chosen word there. So I left it as you had it.

[V4]
I can't just ignore
All these words that he has sent
But I just can't believe
That this is what he meant

I can't just ignore
All the words that He has sent
Somehow I feel sure
this isn't what He meant

The only thing here that seemed awkward was that line one had "I can't just..." and line three had "I just can't" and they seemed too close together. And "feel sure" brings in a rhyme with "ignore".

In both cases, I think you captured the character's thoughts rather well. So you may be beating yourself up on no account there. And I should also add, that for this being "uncommon ground" for you, you traversed it very well. I thought it was a rather moving commentary, and well-written. You should be pleased with it.

-- Scratch 8)

I totally relate to this song. I'm a Vietnam vet and you can't get those pictures out of your head of the pain, suffering, and fear.
The picture I can never forget is a little vietnamise girl running naked across a bridge burned by napalm.

You did an excellent job showing the emotions envolved in any kind of conflict. Good Job..................

Thanks everyone.

I like the suggestions that have been made and I will definitely take them on board.

Thanks for all your suggestions and kind words, I found this one quite tricky and it's nice to see that it worked out alright in the end.

Cheers,

Pete. :)