First attempt at writing lyrics :shock: and points/criticisms are welcome
Dressed in my best gear I run a combing though my side parted hair
I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror
My eyes produce an admirable stare
I look quite presentable…from once
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack
Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack
I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack
Hi Mr Blue Eyes,
Welcome to the forum.
Good start to your song writing career. That first verse had me hooked from the start, I thought it was going to be about a date and was pleasantly surprised to learn in the chorus that it wasn't, well done. I think there might be a few typo's in there that it would pay to fix. (from once = for once).
Sweat trickles down my back
I don't know wither I'll even get the job
But I bet I'll get the sack
I do think the chorus might be a little forced especially the back/sack rhyme. By that I mean that the Sweat line doesn't seem to have a purpose other that to rhyme with the last line. Maybe if you expanded on it a bit, something like
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold
Anyway well done, this song has definite promise.
Cheers
Paul
Thanks alot Paul :D I didn't even think about the twist in the song but it's does work quite well.
I can see your point about the chorus being force completely, thanks for the improvements :D
Welcome Mr. Blue Eyes,
Great start. I think this verse is very good.
Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke
The double use of initials works well ( though, I only know what a CV is from watching a bit of British TV, it's not a common term here in Canada at least ). The first line does a great job of communicating a lot with only a few words; good imagery.
Pbee's rewite works well. Also his point about typos. You may want to re-read this. Especially the last line of verse 3. Speaking of verse 3, it seems the only point of giving the interviewer's name is to make the rhyme. Unless there's a hidden meaning that I've missed, you may want to try a rewrite of that line. It's a good sound to rhyme on though. One resource I use when I'm having trouble with a rhyme is the Rhyming Dictionary: http://www.rhymezone.com/ . Sometimes it helps me see an angle that I may not have.
Keep it up, this is a great start ( I may have said that already :) ).
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Welcome
I can't add much more then what has already been said ..
Nice start
Keep em coming
Trev
8) 8)
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
I'll add my welcome to the SSG - and a pretty good start, too. Obviously there's a few places where the song needs tightening up a little - most of these are pointed out in previous replies.
I'll just add, I got a very Springsteen vibe from the first verse - reminded me of
"Well I stood stone-like at midnight suspended in my masquerade
And I combed my hair till it looked just right and commanded the night brigade"
but you didn't maintain that intensity throughout the song - the chorus is a bit weak, where it should come on strong and re-inforce, or re-affirm, the point you're trying to get across. Couple of good suggestions already, so I won't add any.
For this section....
"I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes"
you might try something like....
I'm greeted by a strong clasp,
As my hand shakes,
The man's telling me what he wants,
All I want is a break..."
Something along those lines, anyway, just a suggestion.....
Potential. That's a word I tend to use a lot, maybe even over-use, in this forum - but this song's got potential. You've left us in limbo - that's OK in a way, but maybe a little more flesh on the bones of the song - maybe another verse explaining why you're still in limbo - would just round things off nicely.
Anyway, good effort - don't be afraid to finish this off (that's how it struck me - unfinished) and post again. Look forward to reading more from you!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks everybody for the feedback, just a quick up date mainly to the chrous (thanks Paul) and added an ending to give it more of a finished song (Thanks Vic Lewis)
Dressed in my best gear I run a combing though my side parted hair
I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror
My eyes produce an admirable stare
I look quite presentable…for once
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold
¬
Pencilled in achievements and bubblegum grades
My CV looks a-bit of a joke
Why did I even apply for this job?
Better pour me another JD and coke
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold
I'm greeted by a firm hand
The man's names Jake
This man's gonna lay down all of his demands
He doesn't half gives me the shakes
(Chorus)
Sweat trickles down my back
As I watch him now waiting to react
I don't know whether I'll even get the job
I look for sign that says I'm sold
With insufficient knowledge I crumble under the pressure
My cloths are drenched with sweat
There's an opening at the local pub
That seems more up my street
