SSG 36

Hi Ja'mir,

Good start D The lyrics read like the first part is one person and the second the other...my stereotyping is kicking in an assuming the first part is the female and the second the male...probably as
Make a plan-come for me-don't let me run and hide
this sounds like one being pursued (female)and...I'll make a plan-come for you-I won't let you run and hide
this sounds like the pursuer (male)
Hello , would you like to come and let me hold you in my arms
For the dance that will become the dreams we share forever more

Tomorrow is a new day, and these thoughts I share with you
because forever is a long time, but that's the promise we swore

Consider puting more transition lyrically or musically between lines 1 and 2 or between 2 and 3...For me, It reads too fast...

line 1 Do you want to start a relationship....line 2 will you marry me line 3 day before wedding.....not that there aren't short premarriage relationships but to go from pre-relationship to day before wedding in 2 lines seems like more details could build up credibility or believeabilty of the singer and singee's relationship.
Yes I'll love................ you
Consider stating Yes, I love you....as in the love is here now to carry us into the furture instead of future tense....I will love you....

I saw your mp3 page. Unfortunately, my connection is way too slow right now to listen, but I plan to when I can get to a better connection.

James

Thanks for your input James , much appreciated... i was once told by Nick if i had to explain it, re write it :lol:

The first verse is the MAN... and the second is the WOMAN.... he is asking her for the first dance as a married couple at the reception . He is scared of the commitment he has just made, but re assures her, it is just nerves, run after him if he runs scared , she assures him, she is also scared, but she will be there for him ( typical woman LOL )
I'm gonna try and put it to music this week.... once I have let your comment :idea: and any others sink in
A bit rusty been away for a long time :oops:

Thanks again much appreciated

Ja'mir

Hi Jamir
As I'm reading this, I'm thinking of the couple's first dance at their wedding.
And it seems very appropriate.

There's one line that doesn't make sense to me . . . the first line in this verse:

Tomorrow is a new day, and these thoughts I share with you
because forever is a long time, but that's the promise we swore

because I don't see how that "and these thoughts I share with you" fits into that sentence.

maybe:
Tomorrow is the first new day of the rest of our lives as one
because forever is a long time, and that's the vow we swore

and instead of "but that's the promise" using "and that's the vow . . ."

Looking forward to hearing it . . . it reads as a waltz.

Welcome back to SSG

Excellent suggestion... thanks :idea:

Hi jamir,

You have some good suggestions of the nervousness surrounding the new couple there. :)

The only thing that kind of sprang at me off the page was that the language in some of the lines was rather tangled - as if it had been bent around mostly to fit a rhyme. These three might benefit from a bit of smoothing out if you could.
to always look to you for all, because it's you I do adore

To be alone , just you and I, a new beginning , we can't ignore

I know you're are the one I want, a life together to explore

I'll do my best to be there, in the good times and the bad
to always look to you for all, because it's you I do adore

Might become something like:

I'll do my best to be there, in the good times and the bad
but the richness (or???) of my (our??) love will ensure you're (we're??) never poor

Tomorrow we fly away, from all family and friends
To be alone , just you and I, a new beginning , we can't ignore

It's not crucial to have exact rhymes if the main heart of the word sounds compatible. So you could get away with something like:

Tomorrow we fly away, from all family and friends
To be alone , just you and I, a new beginning , a new dawn

Because the "aw" of dawn sings very similar to the "ore" sound.

I am scared and I want you to know I'm going to do my best
I know you're are the one I want, a life together to explore

When the obvious way to say that is "I know you're are the one I want to explore a life together" then inverting it sounds kind of clunky. Inversions are known traps that we're usually advised to try and avoid, both in poetry or lyric writing if possible. Perhaps that's a better spot for your "adore", by making it:

I know you're the one I want, to cherish and adore?

Or perhaps something a bit like:

I am scared and I want you to know I'm going to do my best
To love you and support you whatever life has in store.

Just quick thoughts anyway. :)

Cheers,

Chris

Thanks so much Chris...... such nice people here !!!!!! will re work it tomorrow when I have written all these great ideas out. Watch this space :D

Jamir.....so nice to see you! You were one of the first people who encouraged me when I joined the SSG, and you wrote some pretty good songs as well, as I recall.

There's been quite a few suggestions already for this song, so I'll resist the temptation to add my 2c worth and wait for the MP3 - I'm already looking forward to it!

:D :D :D

Vic

OK took all the suggestions pasted them into my lyrics and suddenly a lot of it changed, so please if you have the time have a look before I get going on the recording .... Hey there Vic... can always do with your 2c worth !!!! :D
Oh it also has a title now LOL

Forever more SSG7 Wk 36 Ja'mir

Hello , would you like to come and let me hold you in my arms
For the dance that will become the dreams we share forever more

Tomorrow is a new day, the start of............... you and I
but tonight we dance beneath the stars, know I'll never be to far.... away

I'll do my best to be there, in the good times and the bad
To hold you and support you, in every thing you do

But if I slip,
if I fall,
if I turn away

Make a plan
come for me
don't let me run and hide

Talk to me
Hold me close
Hold me by your side

Let me know
you are there,
as I will do for you ........forever more

Hello , would you like to come and hold me in my arms
For the dance that will become the dreams of dreams forever more

Tomorrow we fly away, from all our family and friends
To be alone , just you and I, I couldn't ask for more cos I ..... love you

I am scared and I want you to know I'm going to do my best
To love you and support you in whatever life has in store.

and if you slip,
if you fall,
if you turn away

I'll make a plan
come for you
I won't let you run and hide

I'll talk to you
Hold you close
Hold you by my side

and let you know
I am here,
as you will do for me............. forever more

Looks like it's ready to be rolled out to the launch pad.

+1 to KR2

Press that button and light that fuse....

I really like that you did away with having six "ore" endings and went for something freer. It sounds a lot more 'direct from the heart' now, rather than 'from the heart, via the thesaurus'. Look forward to hearing it when you feel ready to go. :)

Cheers,

Chris

Hi Ja'mir

Nice to see you around these parts again.

Good job on the original and the rewrite. I must say though that when I first
read the original I took the !st verse as Male and the second as Female.

I guess that's because I have a tendency to retreat (run and hide) emotionally
in my relationships so it's a slightly different view from James.

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John