SSG untitled song...FIRST TIME POSTER

cmon can i get some sort of feedback or is it that bad

Even if it's bad you'll get some feedback :)
The song has a great feel of desire, think you've done well in expressing that. Love still is the best subject to write about huh ^^
What I didn't like that much is the layout and such. The sentences seem long, and you're not using capital letters or anything, also quite a lot spelling mistakes. That's not necessary and it would be a lot easier to read otherwise.
Hmmm can't think of a title now.. Maybe I'll get back to ya later with one.

Welcome to the SSG btw :D

First, welcome to SSG Beans. Hope to see you around here.

Secondly, Karla is right. It would be a rare day if noone EVER posted a comment about a song. Just might not happen as fast as you would like.

I read the lyrics first and then your explaination at the top. I didnt want to be tainted by anything describing the song. I love the idea. Love is such a terrific force cause you can everything from the mushy gushy true corney love all the way down to dark seething stalker love. But with your song I couldn't peg where that was. I couldnt tell if the boy was gushing and wanting her in an honest way or if he was kind of stalking her and she'd rather he just kind of go away.

There was too much rhyming for me and without structure it was hard to tell where one verse or line in a verse ended, and where another began. For you, the songwriter/performer that isnt such a big deal. It will probably just flow when you are performing it. But for the person reading it for the first time without music, it makes it difficult to give proper comment/criticism. Just something you might think about for future songs.

When I read it I felt Rap. Usually always when I read a song a certain genre will come through for me. Usually, I am incorrect. Usually, I feel country but that is probably because that is what I listen to most. But with your song I felt Rap. Which isnt a dis cause I like good Rap as well. But then when I read your explaination at the beginning I realized that you were going for "free flow" like Jason Mraz and it made more sense.

I think you have a great use of words and storytelling. For me, you picked perfect words to descibe what the character was feeling and I felt like you were very good at staying in first person.

A couple of nitpicking things. I already mentioned using structure. I would also avoid abbreviation and internet speak, such as "Cuz, Ur" etc.

Terrific go at it. Keep it up

Geoo

Hi Beans,
Welcome to the forum.
cmon can i get some sort of feedback or is it that bad

its definitely not that bad. When I first read it I also though Rap. I've got to tell you that I dislike Rap and I'm not familiar with Jason Mraz, but I can see how you could sing this song as a constant voice over a melody. If it was mine Id probably put a few more of these
what is this feeling of mine
suddle urging of butterflies
what is this feeling inside
genuine spark of desire
little bridges into the song to give some relief from the monolog and make the song more interesting musically. I don't know what you had in mind musically for the choruses but Id be looking to change the melody there, again to contrast the monologue.
For my part the difference between a speech an a song is that in a song you've only got 3 minutes to tell the story and get the message across. What I find with monologs is that its almost like sensory overload, I'm still trying to understand what was said 2 or 3 lines ago and end up not listing to what being said in the present. Actually the same problem exists when delivering a speech as well. My point is that in a song sometimes less is more if you know what I mean. I don't want to criticise too much cos there is some good stuff in here and just because its not my style doesn't mean that its not valid. Thanks for posting it and pushing me out of my comfort zone, BTW Id love to hear it :D .

Cheers
pbee

for everyone who wants to hear it you can listen to the song at my myspace
http://www.myspace.com/spencerbeasley
it is the first song on there
youll get what im talking about after u hear it
thanx for the comments too guys i really enjoyed the input and btw i think this whole idea of songwriters coming together to help one another better hone there craft is an excellent thing

Bravo Bravo Bravo 8) 8) 8) (did the temperature just drop outside or what ?),
that was just oustanding, I loved the guitar playing, and your voice was as smooth as silk well done mate. I still think its too long though, but that's just my taste. I think you did that song real justice and I look forward to hearing some more your stuff.
cheers
pbee

Firstly and fore most

Welcome

I am sorry for my late response on your piece but I have been really crook ( sick )

I would say for a first post this is quite good ( not knowing what sort of music you have in mind for it ) I'm thinking soft rock ???

suddle ? I'm not aware of that can someone assist me there it has a beautiful sound to it and it fits so well but what does it mean ... (encumber ?)

May be shorten your lines would be my only critique on this but it's your song please advise me on the tempo and chords and maybe your lines could fit rather well .

Don't be too impatient about not getting replies my friend patience is a virtue

cheers

L.K

the chord i play are a c# minor E A and i vary the fourth chord between a G#maj and little fills when i do it live, on the recording im pretty sure i stuck to a g# though

Hey that was alright.

I like your style.

Keep at it! 8)

Hey I really like it too.. Thats why I hate reading lyrics without hearing them. Can never really tell what it sounds like.

BTW.. I saw the reference to "manontheside" are you the same manontheside from here with a different screen name?

Keep it up. Song was fantastic

Geoo

i dont think so lol, ive never posted ne thing on here before aside from like waaaayyyy long ago when i accidently posted it in the wrong forum that just happens to be my screen name cuz im also inspired by john mayer alot and man on the side is my faveorite song by him.

I've never actually heard John Mayer but have heard many people rave about his performances.

I need his CD's to evaluate.

Send me all you have and I'll give you my honest opinion. :D

im not the biggest comp wiz, i would have no idea how to possibly do that, try downloading some off of a site or explain to me hwo to do it

Is it okay to only give you a wow as comment on your singing & guitar playing? :D