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SSG-week 14- Red Skies

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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

First timer.  Great forum.  I'm a beginner songwriter & OK guitar picker, love the creative outlet.  I don't have too much problem getting words, but would love to hear how to craft a better song....be gentle, I'm nervous.

This is a first draft, i just wanted to get something in:

Red Skies

Red skies in morning...
I should really take warning
Forecast skies of gray
Get up today anyway

chorus:
Got a black cloud overhead
Can't change it for sunshine instead
It follows me around,
Drenching me in dread
It follows me around,
A black cloud overhead

Blue skies I haven't seen,
In such a long time it seems
Where are the yellow sun beams?
That I long for in my dreams

When the shadows get long
Shake the blues with this song
Welcome the evening settlin' in
Solace from the darkness it brings

The black night hides my eyes
From people living normal lives
Sitting where it's not so bright
Waiting for a red sky night

***too cliched? simplistic? Clunky??too depressing? suggestions?


   
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 jane
(@jane)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 59
 

i like this song particularly the last two verses. and yes, some part seem too cliched, but so what? it's an exercise, just for fun. you can write another!!!

formerly "new writer" until someone said they didn't like my name


   
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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago
Posts: 0
 

Denim_Tonque,
I have no idea what sort of melody you envisioned, but I completely imagine this as one of those songs with a light, happy tune, but darker lyrics.

As for the chorus,
Got a black cloud overhead
Can't change it for sunshine instead
It follows me around,
Drenching me in dread
It follows me around,
A black cloud overhead
the rhythm of the second line tripped me up a bit. Perhaps consider taking away the "shine":Can't change it for sunshine instead Ooh, or
Can't exchange it for sunshine instead
Just some thoughts...

Well, welcome, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

- SP


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Thanks for your input.   It wasn't until after I had posted it here, that I realized how dark it was.
Last night trying to put chords to it, I couldn't sing it too slow because it made it to depressing.  Still working on that.

I'm not happy with the line, Drenching me in dread.  Any alternate suggestions? I liked 'drenching' for the black cloud/rain connotation, but 'dread'??

And really, to make it more 'playable' for people, etc. I might consider changing the 'black cloud' to something more palatable ??


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
Topic starter  

Moderators, any thoughts?

Denim


   
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