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SSG Week 16-Illusion of a Perfect World--Revised

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(@jenlyncat)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

Here it goes.  Please give suggestions.  Don't "sugar coat" it!!

Illusion of a perfect world

You toyed with my emotions.
You ripped out my heart.
Now you say you love me
and we cannot be apart.

My mind is so conflicted.
My heart just can't decide.
You make me feel wonderful
but you spread your genocide.

I have this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
All bad times disappear.

Bodies intertwined together.
Feeling such ecstasy.
Intenese bursts of pleasure
while making love delicately.

Feeling your love every night
and waking to see your smile.
Wrapped up in your happiness
could make the pain worthwhile.

I have this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
All bad times disappear.

But you are a cat on the prowl
in search of love and peace.
You think you'll find it elsewhere
But you can have it all with me.

I have this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
All bad times disappear
All bad times disappear.


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi again Jenlyncat

I like the simplicity and straight-from-the-heart honesty of the chorus a lot. But when i try to link the singer of the chorus to the singers of the verses, the thing seems to collapse on itself, particularly with the last two lines before the first chorus. "Genocide" really seems misplaced and overdone.

What I'd like to suggest is that you change the chorus' first line, specifically using "live" instead of "have." First, it makes the song more active and less reflective:

I live this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
All bad times disappear.

Then what you might do is to make the verses more of a description of that "perfect world" instead of simply an exposition. You already do that, very well, I might add, in the second verse. Why not make that the first verse instead?

Bodies intertwined together.
Feeling such ecstasy.
Intenese bursts of pleasure
while making love delicately.

Feeling your love every night
and waking to see your smile.
Wrapped up in your happiness
Makes any pain worthwhile

I live this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
All bad times disappear.

And go on from there. The big difference is that your lyrics are now showing us things instead of just telling us. We're involved in the action and not just being spoken to.

I hope this helps. I think you've got some good stuff here and I look forward to reading more.

Peace


   
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(@jenlyncat)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

Thanks for the suggestions.  I wrote another verse and tried to do what you requested.  It's not as good as the first verse though.  Is this the direction you were thinking?

Illusions of a Perfect World

Bodies intertwined together.  
Feeling such ecstasy.  
Intenese bursts of pleasure  
while making love delicately.  
 
Feeling your love every night  
and waking to see your smile.  
Wrapped up in your happiness  
Makes any pain worthwhile

I live this illusion  
of us in a perfect world.  
No more tears, no more heartache,  
all bad times disappear.

Life outside doesn't exist
as we lay in front of the fire.
Basking in feelings of eternal bliss,
lives filled with passion and desire.

No fears or insecurities
about where you may have been.
Such sweet devotion between us,
both lovers and best friends.

I live this illusion
of us in a perfect world.
No more tears, no more heartache
all bad times disappear.


   
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 Rob
(@rob)
Trusted Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 53
 

hi jenlyncat

your redraft looks good to me.

the allusion to the real state of affairs in the chorus is much more powerful than when you told us straight out in the first version.

rob


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

I have to agree with Rob - this redraft is great! You've painted this perfect picture and you erase it all with just one line. I'm impressed.

But I guess the important thing is what do you think?

Great writing.

Peace


   
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(@jenlyncat)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

David & Rob -- Thanks so much for your help and compliments!!  I really like the redraft, especially when I compare the two.  I'm still very open to any other suggestions or criticisms.  As always, I am very grateful.

Jen


   
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