Lost inside a tangled mind (Portia)
And now I'm searching for a place to hide
A place to find myself
But threads of hope and despair entwine
I'm lost inside a tangled mind
(Alternative last line)
Lost inside a tangled mind
Ennui as usual (Geoffrey)
Indifferent heart
You let me down
Dissatisfied refusal
I felt that we had love to share
You felt ennui as usual
Early Morning, Tasteless (bluenightangel)
We took the bite, forbidden fruit
Now conscience in distress
That early evening bitter sweet
Now early morning, tasteless
Dreams Die Hard (The Celt)
But dreams die hard
You know they do
And when you're gone remember this
I only dream of you
Pbee,
My first reaction was " He sure did a better job on Early Morning, Tasteless than I did " Bravo !!!
Good job all around I like what you did with Dreams Die Hard.
Did you find yourself drawn towards the writing style of the person who's title you were working on?
It seems you pretty much nail it on all of them.
The only criticism I can find is very minor and just my opinion.
On Lost inside a tangled mind you might think of leavimg out the word
I'm at beginning of the last line. I think it would improve the flow.
Well written stuff :D
Celt
Hi Celt,
thanks for your comments.
Did you find yourself drawn towards the writing style of the person who's title you were working on?
I would have to say yes but in a roundabout sort of way. Not so much in terms of their writing style but more in terms of the things I thought they would say.
I'm lost inside a tangled mind
I know exactly what you mean here. "I'm" has been in and out of that chorus too many times to count. I like in there because I'm the one whos lost trying to find myself. But without it the flow is better. So I thought Id leave it to our distinguished panel of judges :D
Hey pbee,
I agree with the Celt:
1) "Tastless" was great.
2) The "I'm" in "Tangled" should go. I think everyone will be able to figure out that it's you that's lost, given the first two lines.
Also:
But threads of hope and despair entwine
Is a great line.
In "Tangled", if you want to avoid the use of the word "place" twice, you could try sanctuary in the first line:
And now I'm searching for santuary
A place to find myself
Maybe you liked "place" twice, or maybe you hate aliteration, but take it as food for thought.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Hi Slowplay
Thanks for the comments.
And now I'm searching for santuary
A place to find myself
This would work well, but my preference would still be: And now I'm searching for a place to hide
A place to find myself
One of the reasons I like this is because the of the contradiction between hide and find, for me it binds those two lines together. I also quite like a little alliteration :roll: in choruses as again I think they bind things together.
pbee.
One of the reasons I like this is because the of the contradiction between hide and find, for me it binds those two lines together.
Good point. I missed that. :oops:
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
pbee,
Really liked Lost inside a tangled mind (Portia). They are all great, but that's my favorite. I like what you did with Ennui as usual (Geoffrey), but "ennui" seems like it might be an awkward work to sing. Good job. G.
Hey rocketgirl,
thanks for your comments, What do you think about
I'm lost inside a tangled mind
should I leave the "I'm" in there or take it out :?: .
pbee
Slowplay saidThe "I'm" in "Tangled" should go. I think everyone will be able to figure out that it's you that's lost, given the first two lines.
I agree with this, but I also think it depends on the music. Lyrics alone I think is better without. G. :)
I'm not sure why, but my favorite was "Early morning, Tasteless". Maybe it was because it was simple, :?: I also Liked "Dreams Die Hard"--the dog
Ok guys heres the deal,
I agree with rocketgirl but I also think it depends on the music so the chorus now has an alternative last line.
(Alternative last line)
Lost inside a tangled mind
I think the two last lines change the meaning of the chorus too much to be interchangable.
pbee
hey.
thanks for choosing one of my titles;)
I liked the celt's approach and yours is great, too.
I would have to say yes but in a roundabout sort of way. Not so much in terms of their writing style but more in terms of the things I thought they would say.
definitely. yes. that seems like something I could have written:)
I also like "ennui as usual".
you did a good job, pbee.
thanks.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
I liked early morning tasteless.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
I liked early morning tasteless. I wrote a song involving the garden of eden, if that what yours was really about.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
Thanks for the encouragement you guys.
peirson
I wrote a song involving the garden of eden, if that what yours was really about.
Not really, its more about a (any) "one night stand" that seems pretty good at the time and the guilt and self reproach the next day.
pbee
