SSG week 31 My attempt

in my opinion you need to revised it. it does have a lot of potential. I dont hear the connection between the sentences except for a few line, just revise it and it should be fine! Good Luck!

I think you done a fine job

the only suggestions I have, If I may are;

1...maybe lose the chorus between the first and second verse

2...What township are you in
Christ's or your own

how about
what township are you courting
Is it Christ's or your own

(MY OPINION ONLY)

thanks tokai, i like your suggestions. . . i think i'll take them!

Revised version:

Untitled

Stand up all you faithless ones
Be strong in what you don't believe
Let the momentum take you
To the place rivers don't flow

Attuned to receiving your desires
You seek the Holy Grail
Searching for what can't be found
You beat a path into the ground

A fish out of water
A man on the ground
You must be one of these
No salamanders can you be

What township are you courting
is it Christ's or your own
Will you stand or will you stall
In giving pain to the Lord of all

A fish out of water
A man on the ground
You must be one of these
No salamanders can you be

He is the answer to your quest
The only one who can conquer all
His scars will cover these
All your fears and iniquities

Hi Rue

This is good stuff. I like the revised version. My only query is about these lines

A fish out of water
A man on the ground

It seems you're trying to say that you can't be a fish out of water or a man on the ground because you can't exist in both environments. It's an either or situation. The lines just don't sit right with me.

A brief suggestion

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

Hopefully I've understood what you were trying to say.

Otherwise good stuff

Bob :wink:

Rue, Rue, Rue,

... and you'd come so far. :wink:

"... To the place rivers don't flow" is completely out of sync with the rest of the first verse. And that verse is particularly strong! Look:

Stand up all you faithless ones --> A command to attention! establishes a good meter
Be strong in what you don't believe --> also very strong, and an interesting phrasing as well
Let the momentum take you --> Yes! , I'm ready for that strong definitive closing line now,...
To the place rivers dont' flow. --> huh?

It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't fit the meter, it's just out of place. It's like that piece of fuzz on the edge of the cinema screen that keeps flitting back and forth. There's a terrific story being told, but your attention keeps going back to that fuzzy thing.

Understand, I only say all this because I always enjoy reading your posts. And this song has much in it to commend, as the previous posters have noted. The point you're making here is quite good, and the imagery is also very good. Maybe you could tighten up the rhyming and the meter a bit though. I thought the salamander line was a bit forced, but that falls within the constraints we were given. and I could easily gloss over it if the other line were fixed.

I did mention that I like this one, didn't I? If not, then I do. 8)

ooh..ooh -- what about "where the flowing rivers cease"?

Anyways, that's my tangential rant for today. Remember, it's just my $0.02, and it's only one line.

-- Scratch

first of all, i apologise to the most high scratch! :D yeah, i told you i had a hard time with this one! ARGH!

Revised version # 2

Untitled

Stand up all you faithless ones
Be strong in what you don't believe
Let the momentum release
you where the flowing rivers cease

Attuned to receiving your desires
You seek the Holy Grail
Searching for what can't be found
You beat a path into the ground

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

What township are you courting
is it Christ's or your own
Will you stand or will you stall
In giving pain to the Lord of all

Not a fish out of water
Nor a man under the sea
You are no salamander
You must be one of these

He is the answer to your quest
The only one who can conquer all
His scars will cover these
All your fears and iniquities

Well done Rue,

Even the salamander line flows! This revision is really good.

Ever-so-humbly, :oops:

-- Scratch

i made scratch blush! w00t!

Not a lot to add here as you've done a great job revising and re-revising.

I can almost hear it. I'm still a little hazy as to what the chorus means, but I guess that's part of the allure. I think what you are trying to say is that you can't be a fish out of water, and you can't be a man in the sea, and if you want to have the best of both worlds, you have to become a salamander. If that's the case, then I think the last line of the chorus is a little unclear in what "one of these" refers to.

Still, that's just a nitpick

But it does still need a title. I think I'd just call it "Fish out of water".

Marco

Polo

Regards,

Doug

thanks doug. . .

the courus means you ahve to be one or t he other, you can't be both like a salamander, so you ahve to be "one of these" not both. . .