SSG Week 34 - Easy

Nice little song here Doug.

I particularly like the lines
Roll back the sheets
Clock cries out the time
Fall on your knees
and worship the dime

that's great writing.

On my first readthrough, I felt that the chorus was a bit thin; however, after reading again (and again!) I actually think that the shortness of the chorus is just right, as it can be used to reflect any of points you've made in the verses.

Good job

Pete

I like this, as well, Doug...just needed to mull it over to see what it was that grabbed me. The words are full of images, and I particularly was grabbed by, "Slippery slope
for the unsuited tread " and this as well, "Grace's expiration" (which might be a bit tough to sing). I also think that starting a sentence with the word, "clock" can make it difficult for a singer, as if the beat is faster, it may just come out as "cluck" or even worse...! Is there another word you could put in front of it?

You're using fairly large words in this, which I like, sort of like Alanis does in her poems/songs. I mean, who else could use "redemption," and "salvation," in a song, but her, and now you! When one writes with mono-syllabic words, it tends to grab the large crowd, whereas songs like this one you've done here would gravitate naturally toward the learned. You'd need a really funky bass and percussion beat to overcome that, methinks.

I really like the way you end the last verse, "what chance have you and yet..." and then into the chorus. To me, that's a nice touch!

Ok, I was going to pull the 'artistic license' thing on you, but I realized that "And" IS in that sentence! LOL

Elle

Hi Doug

Good piece of writing. It's all neatly constructed and delivered with some very good imagery. The moral message delivered in the bridge fleshes it out particularly well.

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

hey:-)

i really really like this a lot!
it made me laugh (no offence.. i know it's a serious matter ..), because it's so cleverly written... and you got the quote woven into the song very well.

"exploit the poor
and middle class too"
that's brilliant. i love your song.

cheers,
straycat.

You're using fairly large words in this, which I like, sort of like Alanis does in her poems/songs. I mean, who else could use "redemption," and "salvation," in a song, but her, and now you! When one writes with mono-syllabic words, it tends to grab the large crowd, whereas songs like this one you've done here would gravitate naturally toward the learned. You'd need a really funky bass and percussion beat to overcome that, methinks.

Hmm. I'd neve really thought about word length in those terms. Definitely some food for thought. I think as long as the rhythm allows a full beat for the word "clock", and the singer is trained well enough to sing claw-ck, it should be ok. I agree that if one isn't properly warmed up and/or isn't forming his/her vowels properly, there could be an issue. If I get around to putting notes to the words, we'll see how it goes. I always wind up altering phrasing and words here and there as I deveop melodies, so it seems.

Thank you for the valuable feedback (everyone, not just Elle) - I appreciate it.

Until next week's assignment,

Doug

Good song, Doug. I especially like the chorus. Well done.