SSG week 41b

Hi Tokai 12 string,

This is the second song I've read today sung by a guitar. It's quite well done. The meter and rhyming is quite good, quite easy to pick up on a first read-through. I liked the 2nd verse particularly, where the guitar wonders if it's been replaced. Reminds my of Willie Nelson's beat up old guitar. He still plays it. I'd better stop now or I'm going to wax nostalgic and become very tangential. But this is really a good job on this week's assignment.

Thanks,

-- Scratch 8)

hey tokai,

how dare you reply before me scratch!!!! :x i might be able to forgive you one day. :wink:

ok i really like this song. i like the fact that the guitar isn't actually mentioned till the end. it was fairly easy to pick up who the speaker was. but it wasn't so obvious that it made it bad.

i have to agree with scratch about liking the verse where the guitar wonders if it is going to be replaced. good job getting into the mind of the object.
the chorus is my favorite part. i like the contrast of the gentle touch and the clumsy fingers and that the guitar doesn't care. through those words you get a sense that this is the guys first guitar and he played it a lot, it makes you feel for the guitar really hoping that it isn't going to be replaced. and that the guy will come back and play it again.

the thing that i have to say i don't like about this song is the ending. you did such a good job at just alluding to what you want to say. you don't tell us out right that the speaker is a guitar and you don't out right tell us that the guys isn't playing the guitar because something has happened to his fingers. but then at the end of the song you have to sit us over the head with it. there is no need to end it with love the guitar, although it is sweet but shouldn't be in this song. plus the line "because his stitches come out today " just sticks out like a sore thumb. you don't need to all the sudden be so obvious. we can get what is going on from the rest of the song, there is no need to tell us exactly what you were meaning at the end of it.

you could end it with something more like saying i hope you healed well and i missed our time together. just a thought, i think it needs to be ended softer, don't hit us over the head with the ending.

i don't mean to jump on you about the ending. it was just something that really stood out so much to me. hope it helps.

-CheapThrill

hi tokai:))

I love it, it's a sweet song...the part with the clumsy fingers could have been my guitar speaking :D

when I first read it I liked the ending, didn't think it was too much or anything...yet now that I've read cheap thrills(I think cheap thrill always comes up with good ideas, new opinions in her replies) comment on it...I can't tell I guess it's really not 'degrading'(sorry couldn't think of another word) your song if you let it as it is, but if you want to change it, fine:)

I like the 'sqeek' of the floorboards;)) made me think of 'tonight will be fine' by leonard cohen(weird, your song really has no relation to that cohensong whatsoever :wink: )

bye
bluenightangel

Thanks for taking the time to critique my work
I agree completly with you CheapThrill, about the guitar saying it missed me that was supposed to be a P.S not part of the song, I've removed it so there will not be any more confusion about that.
As for the stitches line that shouldn't have been there at all it was orginally the last line of the last verse which I thought I had deleted(sorry) It too, has been edited out. sould have proof read it after I posted it.

Thank again for your comments good or bad.

F.Y.I
It was sticking out more like a sore middle finger...Seven stitches so glad they're out.

hey tokai,

i read the edited version and it reads so smoothly. without those last lines. good job. ok just one last little picky thing that needs a bit of tweeking.
something just not right did you mean to say something's instead? the wording is just off.

i can't help but get a little picky. that is just how i am.

-CheapThrill

hey Tokai

Nice job, only have one question and one comment

Is the guitar your Gibson L6S ???
I always thought there was something between you two. LOL :lol:
by the way this is the way to spell squeak

It was only about half way through I realised it was about a guitar........

I can't add anything to what Scratchmonkey says, but I'm still chuckling cause it caught me a little off-balance...and the best songs are supposed to do that......

Vic

:D :D :D