Week 41 part b

hey blue note,

i think this is nice. i could see it as a country song, it even kinda has a bluesy feel to me. with either style i agree with the airy feel here. (don't know what a droped D means, i don't actually know anything about music)

the song is just missing something. i like the feel and the flow but there needs to be more of a definine allusion to a real thing. when i was reading it i was thinking maybe you were refering to a action figure or maybe a bike. i would like to know what you are taking about in the song. i am sure that is part of what you wanted to show in the song is that each person that reads it will think of something different. you did a good job of writing it from this objects point of view. i would like to actually have the object in the song.

that is just me.

i am glad to be of help. happy to know how much these little rants really mean something to you.

-CheapThrill

Hey bluenotefla,

This is quite good. I like the simple chorus -- it speaks volumes with very few words. The only nit-picky thing I can find in it is that the first verse doesn't rhyme. Some folks don't care about rhyming, but I like it. It's one of the things that makes the song "stick in your head." The ideas in that verse are wonderful, though. Particularly, "When you caress me, I become magic."

Very well done.

-- Scratch 8)

p.s. Hope Charley passed you by.

Hey bluenotefla
Your guitar needs you too, I love it

some of the lines seem awkward to me maybe it the rhymes
the first verse has none
the second has first three/last three
the third has 1-2/3-4/5-6
It dosen't seem to flow for me

other then that I love the idea.
Just my opinion

scratchmonkey beat me to the punch

Here are some revisions. I thank you all for help and giving me the feedback. I too like the chorus in this song, I think it is the best part of the tune. I fear that I may have done too much and I still am having trouble with the first verse but I think it's a little better now.
I was very lucky the storm past just south of me and we got no damage what so ever from it.
I will be looking at all of the post form you folks and will try in the most humble a way tell you what I think. Again I am thankful for the help it means a lot to me . For the longest time have felt that my writing was to elementary, not clever enough, juvenile but coming here and sharing helps build my confidence and make me want to try and write more.

MY OLDEST FRIEND

I sit here alone in this room waiting
Waiting for the touch of a human hand
For without you I’m as dead as a old tin can
You bring me to life give me a voice let me expand

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

Without you I am just wood and metal, static
But when you caress me I become magic
And the magic brings us closer to our souls
For together we make music not part but whole

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

Take me with you today don’t leave me alone
For in your hands I have found a home
Take me I’ll bring you the unknown
I have brought you women they have left you alone

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

I know you want to take me I can feel it in your hands
For when you hold me you are in command
I might even bring you to a far off land
To a beach somewhere or to the burning sand

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

You know you’re addicted to what I can bring
You have told me all about you everything you can
You pour your heart out every time you hold me in your hand
I know you I was there when this all began

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

So listen to the call of your oldest friend
You know it’s on me you can depend
I was there even when you were on the mend
You know I’m out just around the bend

Hold me
Play Me
Bring me to life
You will love me
For the rest of your Life

Repeat fade

hey bluenotefla.

the first version of your song didn't really get to me...didn't strike me
BUT I love the second version, this one is much better!
this is going to be a long song, right? maybe it would be too long for jamir, but I like it:)

hey I like the line with the women
and like the old tin can:)

only thing I might change is the line 'you bring me to life', verse#1 for it is in the chorus as well and you repeat the chorus very often(6 times!)
...maybe it would do to let it slip and have 'You give me a voice, let me expand' instead? anyway just my opinion.

keep it up.
bluenightangel

hey blue note,

well about your edited version, i am not wild about it. i liked the titdyness of the first version. i think this new version rambles on a little much. and i still don't know that it is a guitar. the only reason i know that is because someone else mentioned it.
To a beach somewhere or to the burning sand could do without this line
I have brought you women they have left you alone i know the idea of what you are saying here just don't care for the wording

personally not a huge fan of this song. look forward to seeing your work next week.

-CheapThrill

Hi blue note
I just wanted to drop you a quick line to say that I actually prefer the first version of this song. I think you have diluted the power of what you are trying to say in the second version - some good ideas spread a little too thinly.
I think if you could work with the first version but get the first verse to rhyme then you would have a really winning song.
Beren

hey bluenote

I like the revised version, but I think you repeat the chorus to often, maybe you could lose every other one.