Well,... it seems folks are keen on that inanimate object POV. I was rather partial to trying the multiple POVs one. So, after coming up dry on the "three blind men and an elephant" angle, I came up with this one.
Man without a home
[v1]
He's my son and I sure tried
to teach him wrong from right
don't tell him that I cry
when I think of him at night.
you know he finished college,
the top tier of his class,
sometimes I don't know why
things come to pass.
[chorus]
You're a man without a home
your sign says you'd work for food
but when I tried to give you some
you acted kinda rude
you said you needed money,
you didn't want a meal,
just thought I'd say
my love for you is real.
[v2]
He's my brother and it hurts me
to think of him this way.
I knew he could do anything
way back "in the day".
he taught me how to bait a hook
and how to change a flat,
I don't know how he landed
where he's at.
[chorus]
You're a man without a home
your sign says you'd work for food
but when I tried to give you some
you acted kinda rude
you said you needed money,
you didn't want a meal,
just thought I'd say
my love for you is real.
[v3]
He's my daddy and I love him
but I don't see him much.
we talk through the fence at recess,
it's how we keep in touch.
He said he's on a mission,
so I can't write or phone,
but when he's finished,
I won't be alone.
[chorus]
You're a man without a home
your sign says you'd work for food
but when I tried to give you some
you acted kinda rude
you said you needed money,
you didn't want a meal,
just thought I'd say
my love for you is real.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hey scratch
believe it or not you got me crying now.
and certainly not because it's a bad song, it's a real good one:))
the idea of a homeless person seen from different point of views but always seen by someone who loves him is excellent.
through the first verse I didn't get it(I know, I'm dumb :wink: ) I thought why does this person love a homeless stranger? yeah but then finally I got it;)
I like the fact it's not so obvious( yet maybe it's only this way for me and others would have seen it coming miles away)
I like all the verses but I think the 3rd one really stands out, it is heartbreaking...the image of them talking through the fence(maybe her classmates laughing at them in the background)...yes I'm sentimental;)
great job, great song(this week I haven't seen anything I didn't find fantastic yet...why is that? good assignment I guess.)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey Scratch
Nice song, but it not reading the words, but when I actually hear the song sung that I get misty eyed, and I hope to hear the the actual song.
the only thing I really wanted to change was the chorus from
[chorus]
You're a man without a home
your sign says you'd work for food
but when I tried to give you some
you acted kinda rude
you said you needed money,
you didn't want a meal,
just thought I'd say
my love for you is real
to this
chorus]
He's a man without a home
His sign says he'd work for food
but when I tried to give him some
He acted kinda rude
He said he needed money,
He didn't want a meal,
just thought I'd say
my love for him is real
not that this does anything to improve the song. but it just sounds like your belittling him for being homeless, but when I read my version it still Comes across the same way. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much.
As always just my opinion.
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
hey scratch,
believe it or not you got me crying now. well blue is not alone in this. :cry: you got my teary eyed for yet another week.
you did such a great job yet again. it is nice to see that someone decided to take the challenge of the multi povs. *sits back to ponder if there is a topic scratch couldn't write a good song about*
ok there is always something that i can find in a song that could stand improvement. i am picky enough to be able to find something. and i did find something in this fine song. the same kinda thing that i found in your last song. there is one line that falls short is syllables. I don't know how he landed
where he's at. this should all be one line. don't know if that even matters when it is sung or not. but i had to try and find something to comment on.
with each passing week i am more impressed with you and your work. the consistancy that you manage to have each week. i don't know how you can have or just not run out of compasion and emotion that you put into each subject. i would love to see what you could do with an inanimate object. :wink:
i think it might be official now that i am your biggest fan. :D
-CheapThrill
Hi Scratch
thanks for another good song. It is a real source of inspiration to me the way in which you take a simple story (a mentally ill man I take it) and describe their life in such simple well chosen words.
If I must be pernickety I just wonder about the chorus. Is it being sung by the 3 different people?
Did the little girl/boy really offer her dad some food and did he act rude when she did?
Keep writing
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
tell me you love me and i'll get to getting sick
i came here to quit those hypocrites
cuz you give me so much of what you think i need
you'll only feed your conscience, i bet it tastes like greed
all i need is something to keep the world away
a little every hour to make it through today
i see the pity in your eyes, you don't even hide it
i can read just fine my son, even if i don't write it
you're the one that hurts me now, though you'd probably deny it
but there's no point anymore in tryin to fight it
so i just ask for something to keep the world away
just a little an hour to make it through the day
Beren --
I don't know if the guys mentally ill or not. Just homeless.
The chorus is meant to be sung by each of the characters in the verses.
Each of them tried to help and was rebuffed for whatever reasone.
brothertupelo --
At the top of the page for this forum, there's a "FAQ" post. Following that, there's an assignment for the week. The songs we post here are supposed to address that assignment.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
my post was just a response to your chorus
