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SSG Week 46

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(@dduckett)
Active Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
Topic starter  

Hey this is my first one so here it goes... I am a poor college student so I don't have anything to record it with... I may add some progressions or something later so maybe you can come up with what you think it should sound like... for now just raw lyrics. Maybe in the genre of blue, and I would like the guitar to "word paint" since we're talking about the sky which is so high above us... i'd like to use higher pitched tones.... anyways

Molding Music

In this little world of mine,
music is all I'll ever need,
sound will be my stream,
notes will be my trees,
and my blue sky of sound will run free.

That mist in the morning will form a cleff,
and behind it hide buildings outlining the staff,
the rustling leaves are part of my orchestra,
along with the animals, wind, and sea,
they all come together,
under the blue sky of sound and become free.

Musicians are all that live in this world,
they play no instruments for the music is around,
they desire to create but can make no sound,
for the world works perfect as you see,
and for any other sound under the blue sky there is no need.

It's a very joyous place but there are unhappy parts of it... it goes to show that things aren't always as they seem. Now it's off to bed before classes probably... tell me what you all think.

Peace


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi DD,
Welcome to the forum. Its an interesting thing how different types of people relate to the world, some people are audio people and pick up on things they hear, where as I am a visual person, I see patterns everywhere I look (enough of my ramblings). The first thing that struck me when I saw your song was – hey this song looks like a triangle (I'm not kidding), it gets wider as it gets longer. What this means from a song perspective is that you've started off with 7 syllables in the first line and ended up with 15(16) in the last line. When you put this to music I think you might have a little bit of trouble. You might want to restructure the song so that each stanza has approximately the same number of syllables.
This line:
they desire to create but can make no sound,
I'm not sure I get this cos the way I read this song is that every part of this world is part of the orchestra and that just by being, we are making a kind of music. Nice sentiment by the way.
Now heres something I just thought of
for the world works perfect as you see,
maybe this line isn't accurate cos I reckon there are parts of this orchestra playing out of tune.
Anyway I hope Im not being too critical cos I like what you've started here, and think with a bit of tweaking you could end up with something pretty damned good, well done :D .

Cheers
pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@dduckett)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
Topic starter  

With opinions and ideas there is never any harm done... and some tweaking is always definitely in order.


   
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(@karla)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 137
 

Good entry, I like the subject you choose. Guess pbee is right though, some things probably won't flow nicely when you try to sing them. Feel free to record something and surprise me though =D


   
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 geoo
(@geoo)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2801
 

Hey there Ducket. Nice first post!!

To me, what is important in song writing is the ability to take a concept and weave it into words that first make people perk up, take notice a little, and maybe get that "Hummm" kind of feeling like if they had never really thought of it that way. They also need to walk away with it thinking, "Ya know I feel that way"

Your song does both for me. Never really thought of the world as a big musical score, but now that you mention it... It sure does.

The words we use to mesh that together can be worked out. As Pbee pointed out with the lengthening of syllables. But on that note, your really going to be the only person that can say if the lyrics fit. There are some musicians that can just ramble on and on in a sentence and you would look at the line thinking "AHH that will never work" but somehow they squeeze it all in there and it just seems to fit somehow. John Mayer and D Matthews comes to mind. But ya, usually it should be pretty close to the same amount of syllables.

Keep up the great work. Its good to see yet another fresh, humm, face?

By the way.. I am a feely kind of guy (not visual). In fact, my ex wife used to say that because I am a sensitive feely emotional kind of guy, that I was more woman that she was. Her words.. not mine.

Geoo

“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)


   
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(@chris-c)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Hi Dave and welcome to SSG,

A couple of questions:

1. Any chance that you can record an mp3 to show us how you intend this to work musically? Or maybe give us some other clues about how you intend singing that "triangle" and what chords, tempo, or whatever? You don't need fancy recording gear, a quick and dirty job through a basic computer sound card can be good enough to get the ideas across.

2. How robust are you? Serious question. Many beginners arrive here with a first songs and say "what do you think?" or "all constructive criticism welcome", but when it comes it's obvious that what they really meant was "praise only please". :D

So what praise/criticism are you looking for? 50/50 90/10, anything goes, or...??

I can see some good things in your song, and some stuff that I think could be improved on, but I don't want to be too heavy or too light.

We're all walking the same road here, but the regulars all want (and expect) to have flaws or weaknesses pointed out. We all want honest reactions, even if they don't line up with what we thought about our songs. Where are you at in that respect?

Cheers, Chris.

EDIT: You also might like to check out the many articles here on songwriting Songwriting articles on Guitarnoise

This one, by our esteemed moderator Nick Torres, is a good start:
Songwriting for Beginners by Nick


   
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(@dduckett)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
Topic starter  

The feeback here I have to say is fantastic. I like how quickly everyone jumps in because I feel at home here. Let me take everything here in order first pbee.... we do see things different I didn't notice how it ended up looking.... I didn't notice the way it ended up.... I ponder whether to fix it or not because that sort of lengthened syllables could create something very interesting (or disaster but lets think confidentally :-D). About the meaning behind the song it has to do with a few things I have observed in the world. As I recall back in the day there was a group called the Dieists.. they believed that God made the world, and left it and it worked perfectly. I in my soul am Christian, but at the same time this belief makes a lot of sense to me, and I think that humans are very flawed, and that when compared to nature they have no power. It's a kind of humans vs. the world theme. I hope that clears it up too much. You are NOT too critical at all! It is all fine, and the ideas let me know what all to fix. I really appreciate the feedback... what would make me feel bad is none at all lol, but it happens sometimes. Karla as with pbee you both make an interesting point, and it is very true that hardly any work is good without the proper effort and time put into it. On to geoo... I believe that you are correct when I look at the piece I notice that I focused more on the idea than the musical structure. Yet however I believe I have an idea that will work for it, but this involves 2 guitars I have a friend who also has one. It's gonna be hard to pull off and syncronize, and the song won't be very formed, but like the word painting of blue sky it will be very free. Still a central melody with additions as the song progresses could work. Experimentation would be the best. And on to Chris_C... I can record mp3's once I get the money for a mic because my friend has recording stuff, but no access to a mic so I will definitely work on getting it up here. I am going to give you an idea... this weekend I will have time to work more on it, and either balance it or find a way to make it work. As for how robust am I.... Anything goes... you can flail on it, love it, present ideas, tell me why it won't work, or anything. I understand that people all have opinions or ideas, and I present mine freely, and I believe you should too, and I don't mind what you all think. Be heavy on whatever you think is appropriate. Thanks so much for the feedback all... I will get this going :-D. Keep on writin, jammin, and playin. (P.S. I am probably going to by a cheapo mic tommorow I need a good one though maybe 20-40 bucks my friend has good recording stuff but no good mic any suggestions would be greatly appreciated :-) I may also post this somewhere else.


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
 

Wow. I really liked this piece. This is exactly how I feel about music. Phenomenal :D . (This is my opinion. others can disagree with me if they feel so.)

Welcome to the forum! I really want to see you posting more here. I'm suprised to see that your first song was for the assingment! I don't see much here. Anyway, for your first song, it was awesome. Keep it up.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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 geoo
(@geoo)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2801
 

Hey DD, sorry I dont know the brand name ( I can find out tomorrow if you wish) but my local music shop had a decent vocal/instument mic for 36 bucks. I bet you can find one in your area if it suits you needs.

Geoo

“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)


   
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(@chris-c)
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Posts: 3454
 

As for how robust am I.... Anything goes... you can flail on it, love it, present ideas, tell me why it won't work, or anything. I understand that people all have opinions or ideas, and I present mine freely, and I believe you should too, and I don't mind what you all think. Be heavy on whatever you think is appropriate.

Good for you! :D

OK. I thought the theme was great. Definitely different from usual first songs here, which tend to be very focused on internal issues and various self struggles. You took a strong and original feeling and weren't afraid to run with it. :)

I also though it started well. If I were to suggest an improvement it would be to tidy up verses 2 and 3 as they seemed to get a bit out of shape and also a wee bit top heavy with imagery. The last line was also a bit on the clunky side. Just tidying really. 8)

Because we have to crank out a new song every week we don't alway get to complete the editing and re-writing. But it's interesting to keep the songs and revisit them a few weeks down the track when they've "gone cold" in your mind. Sometimes you see them in a different light. Something you thought came through seems a lot less obvious, or some new angle hits you.

I'm sure you'll soon have a box full. 8) Good start. Hope to see more from you. Good luck finding a way to record.

Cheers, Chris.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey DD,
I ponder whether to fix it or not because that sort of lengthened syllables could create something very interesting
you absolutely right. Im not sure it needs fixing either, I would really be interested to see what you can do with it. People like Jack Johnson manage to to get lots of words into small musical spaces, so it can certainly be done. I look foward to hearing what ever you come up with if you decide to record a demo.
cheers
pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@manontheside)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 179
 

People like Jack Johnson manage to to get lots of words into small musical spaces

People like me too? :P

I think Jason Mraz would be a nice stop if you want to have that gargantuan amount of syllables that still flows neatly. Usually takes some rewriting though, if you want it to match perfectly.

But on the other side, I don't know what you have planned for this yet, IMO this doesn't look like the typical song for that kind of singing (but you're welcome to prove me wrong :))

Go buy a mic, I'm excited about this and want to hear! :)

"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"


   
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(@dduckett)
Active Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 7
Topic starter  

My friend and I are going to hit the road today, and go find a mic and do some recording. If I change the lyrics (minimally most likely) I will post them with the mp3 and kill two birds with one stone.
Keep Jammin :-D And I believe I can make this all work.... but only time will tell.

Thx all & keep jammin,
Dave


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
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Posts: 2096
 

People like me too? :P
and people like manontheside too :D


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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