I don't know that this fits the assignment perfectly because I have no third verse but it is close so I thougth I would submit anyway.
I know you gone miles away
Stepped once or twice around this place
I know you gone Miles Away
Skipped around another life I can't save
I know you Gone miles Away
Stayed around dance for another day
They Say it washes clean in the rain
Still you Fly Miles Away
I know you gone miles away
Ran once or twice Still remember your face
I know you gone miles away
Stirred clear but still you found this place
I know you gone miles away
Stick around the last dance I'll save
they say it washes clean in the rain
Still you Fly Miles Away
I still remember the pain
Everytime you said you'd stay
Everytime that long gone day
Everytime you said you'd stay
They Say it washes Clean in the Rain
Still you Fly Miles away
hey dictator,
I havent read any of your stuff before, and this is quite good. The only issue in my opinion is the tense. the repeated line 'I know you gone miles away' suggests the person has already left, but lines like 'Stick around the last dance I'll save' seem to contradict that. The last line of the first verse 'Stayed around dance for another day,' works because it the fact its in past tense makes it sound like this still happned beofre they left. perhaps just read through it trying to make sure the tense is consistent, and well then your on a winner, imo.
In terms of everything else, the imagery is good, the chorus sums up everything really well.
I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
I like it too, slow blues? I think that would be perfect but maybe you've got something else in mind.
Sozay gave some good advice there.
They Say it washes clean in the rain
Still you Fly Miles Away Great Chorus too!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
They Say it washes clean in the rain
yes, that was my favourite line, too :D
beautiful image(well not really 'beautiful' as I see the blood everywhere-as I interprete it- but you'll get the point)
good stuff
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
