SSG Y10W22 - Notes In My Pockets

Hi Renee,

Good job with this one :D It's a bit of a sobering song b/c no one really knows if they might fall victim to this themselves. I think you did good with the angst/confusion/uncertainty/fear of the singer.

This could make an interesting last line for the song
....whose jacket is this anyway?

Thanks for sharing :D

James

Hi Renee

I really like that - its very true to life!
All those notes and the calendar that arent where they should be & so are of no use at all - so ironic.
I think the final verse is particularly strong with the fear and withdrawing.

Kris

I really like the last two verses. They are the most gripping for me.
I noticed the wording is a little clumsy in the middle of the first verse. Maybe if you get the "hang on the wall" part up to the first line, your rhyme sequence won't be thrown off.
The date is on the calendar that I left somewhere.
Forgot to hang it on the wall. Who am I supposed to call?

might look like:

On the calendar (that) I forgot to hang on the wall
is a date and a number, don't know who to call

Just a suggestion. Personally, I'm trying to break rhyme sequences in stuff I'm writing lately. Still haven't figured out how to really make things like that work.

Good job on this one. I'll check out your others, too!

A lot of quiet power in this song, very nice. The chorus especially
Notes in my pockets at the end of the week.
I should write one to remind me to eat.
I'd tell my kids, but they'll put me away.
So here I'll stay.

I was wondering if a slight edit might be of value

Notes in my pockets at the end of the week.
I should write one to remind me to eat.
I'd tell my kids, but they'll put me away.
So here they'll stay they wont put me away

or something like that, just a thought, good work

Paul

Thanks for all of the comments. I'm not completely satisfied with the last line of the chorus and am still thinking about that. I don't want to change it to imply that this person's kids will take care of him/her. The lyrics are based on someone that I know, a very smart guy who realizes that his memory is going. He's doing his best to compensate and doesn't want his kids to know how bad it is. He really does write notes to himself and puts them in various pockets depending on what they're about.

I may change the second line in the second verse to this:

If I had hung it on the wall, I'd know who I'm supposed to call.

I made a few changes. Changed the brief instrumental ending. Changed some lyrics. Played it on electric instead of acoustic. The acoustic seemed too mellow for the mood.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11538927

verse:

I had notes in my pocket with the day's events.
Might be the wrong pocket or different pants.
Whose birthday is this week? I hope it's not here yet.
I'd buy a card if I knew what to get.

chorus

Notes in my pockets at the end of the week.
I should write one to remind me to eat.
I'll tell my kids and they'll take me away.
But not today.

verse:

The date is on the calendar that I left somewhere.
If it was on the wall I'd know who to call.
I'm supposed to be somewhere. Maybe yesterday.
Or maybe in an hour. Or I could be late.

chorus

verse:

I had an important thought. Now it's gone away.
I'm trying so hard, but my thoughts won't stay.
Old memories don't die, but new ones are gone.
I feel so afraid. They say I'm withdrawn.

chorus

Renee,
I like the change to the last line of the chorus and the depiction of dementia from the first person perspective. :)
Andy