Hey all, first time posting here. I've been lurking for a few weeks, and LOVE the forum already. I've been on a writing kick lately, ramping up for an upcoming band project. But I'll post more about me and that stuff in a welcome thread somewhere.
I got to thinking as soon as week 23 was posted, grabbed my book, and feverishly turned to the page directed to see what my new song was going to be called. My book was Life of Pi by Yan Martell. I haven't finished it, and it's been on my nightstand for a month. p.123 2nd paragraph was a challenge, I couldn't think of much for it last night, but it started to flow this morning. Wrote the beginnings of a song in a different setting, and came back to it a little later in the morning, and had a whole new "event" in mind.
Here's where I am right now. As a rock song with a indie-punkish vibe somewhere between The Shins and Queens of the Stone Age (is that allowed here?), I think it could work as it is right now. But I'm loving the descriptive writing techniques I've learned the past few weeks, and I'll try to expand on this song throughout the week, as I'm just learning how to implement those writing tools. When I get a chance to work out the music, I may work this into a more conventional verse/chorus song style.
Sometime That Afternoon
Sometime that afternoon I heard a shot ring out
I jumped up on the desk and I began to shout
and cleared the papers lying there with a kick of my leg
as they flew through the room somebody started to beg
And I said "Keep your mouths shut and nobody here is gonna get hurt"
and about that time the manager slowly moved his arm
underneath his desk the boss-man sounded the alarm
and my partner looked at me with panic in his eyes
cause he knew that that this last job would be his demise
I screamed "keep your focus tight man and nobody here is gonna get hurt"
Sometime that afternoon I heard a shot ring out
and I didn't know what all the fuss was about
the sweat was on my brow but I had kept my cool
anybody gets out of line and man I'll take them to school
(chorus)
sometime that afternoon I was a one-man riot
some time that afternoon all of hell broke loose
don't know who was more frightened them of me or me of myself
don't know who was more frightened them of me or me of myself
Hi Stephen,
Welcome to SSG :D
The Shins and Queens of the Stone Age (is that allowed here?)
I hadn't heard of the Queens of the the Stone Age but as far as The Shins, I borrowed some ideas from them a while back for a song called "Chlorine"
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=48388
.....music inspired by "New Slang"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYwCmcB0XMw&ob=av2n
Regarding your lyrics, I'd say you've got a high interest topic. I tend to tread lightly without knowing what the music will be like, so take these suggestions as only that and only based on the read.
I keep imagining Reservoir Dogs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reservoir_Dogs
I like the ideas and word choices in the chorus :D
#1
The setting seems a highly emotional situation.....where as the the title suggests something "easy going" by using the word "sometime".....could be used for irony; depending on the delivery.
#2
Since the setting seems a highly emotional situation, consider revising the verses to be more staccato or bursts of phrases compared to complete sentences.
#3
After seeing how the music fits, check for contrast between the verse and chorus. Right now they are about the same in length which might limit contrast/interest for the listener.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Great ideas. I'll definitely keep them in mind when I'm putting the music together. I do have some ideas for changing the delivery of those chorus lines. They are about the same length, but I think those words will be held over longer passages, and sung in a more melodic way. Interesting you mention the staccato technique, I hear them as almost spoken like Bullet The Blue Sky by U2 or Dig, Lazerus, Dig by Nick Cave. Hope to work on this again tomorrow with music.
Stephen, good to see a new member on the SSG part of this forum. Maybe I'm not interpreting the lyrics correctly, but I disagree with James. I think that the story is told from the point of view of the shooter and that the shooter is methodical and detached. So the phrase "sometime that afternoon" works fine.
It seems like the verses as currently written are going to make it tough to set this to music. I'm not familiar with the two bands that you mentioned, so will have to wait and see.
Renee
that the shooter is methodical and detached.
Fore me, the chorus does not come across as someone methodical and detached....... I was a one-man riot...... all of hell broke lose........who was more frightened them of me or me of myself
James, good point. So now I'm confused. I still think that it's told from the point of view of the shooter. So, why does he hear a shot ring out as if he's someone not involved?
Renee
These are great ideas. Just was I was hoping as far as feedback goes. So yeah, I was thinking from the point of view of the robber. I hadn't even considered that the "partner" line could have been referring to a guard or something like that. I may need to clarify the setting a bit, maybe change or add some wording.
I was thinking the shot that rang out was the mind of the bank robber snapping from dream like fog (under control, methodical, as was mentioned) and the reality of the situation melting down. The shot ringing out could be his partner reacting to something or just the shock of the reality setting in. In movies, it's usually depicted with a silence and slow long shots, then switches to quicker action with all the sounds of the room turning on at the same time. Maybe a verse using those descriptive ideas would convey the setting better. Obviously the shot ringing out is a double meaning as there is gun play involved, too.
The chorus is retrospective after everything went down. This setting seems to me to start out cool and controlled, and something throws off the plan and the characters must deal with the situation somehow.
Setting it to music over a static groove is what I had in mind. Not overly melodic. We'll have to wit and see, I won't get a chance to work on the music for a few days. Hopefully before the weekend. Thanks soooo much for the feedback.
Nice work Stephen,
for me the "sometime that afternon" is consistent with our character having an out of character experience. And yes that would be scarey even to him, it would be almost as if the whole thing was a dream, sometime that aftrernoon.
I like it
Edit:
Ah, I see you've clarified the situation thanks.
cheers
Paul
Here's the verse section so far. Just a voice recording through the iPhone. That's all I have to work with for a while.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1243363&songID=11554891
It came out much more mellow than I had in mind when I was writing it. I'm very happy with the new pace and direction of this song. Thanks so much for the feedback so far. I haven't delved into reworking the lyrics yet, but plan on doing some more work on this tomorrow. I get to work it out with a drummer this weekend. It's going to open up after this section with a bigger chorus. I'd like to take into a very aggressive punk-ish feel before the song wraps up. More lyrics and section to come...
Hi Stephen,
Sounding good :D I could picture a v-c-v-c-v-c structure. I could also picture tremolo reverb style guitars....I hear a bit of Elton John in the melody, but I'm sure after your arrangements and chorus it will veer off into it's own direction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l4ouqmdHq8
I look forward to hearing more :wink:
James
Sorry I'm not working on week 24 right now. I have a few lyrics, but no song yet. I'm still working on this week 23 song with my (beginnings of a) band project. We've worked out most of the song, but I'm struggling for a catchy chorus and I don't want to just throw something in there, so I'm trying not to force it. Jamesoftee, I'm not hearing the Elton in my recording yet, but this is the direction I was hoping to take this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9ZIJxqPp5s& Hope we get close to this feeling soon. Still need a chorus. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the one-man riot line, but there's no follow-up to those 2 lines, and therefore, no hook.
Incidentally, I re-watched the Al Pacino movie, "Dog Day Afternoon" this week to try to get into the mindset of this character. It's the movie I was thinking of when I wrote the song (even though it originated from a line in the book, "The Life of Pi"). It's such an amazing movie, it helped me write a handful of lyrics to get this closer to finished. Feedback is appreciated.
More lyrics, and most parts of the song. Just need that last bit...
F#-
Sometime that afternoon I heard a shot ring out
----Bmin
I jumped up on the desk and I began to shout
-------A
and cleared the papers lying there with a kick of my leg
-----------Bmin
as they flew through the room somebody started to beg
-------------A --------------------------------G ----------------B7 ---------F#-
And I said "Keep your mouths shut and nobody here is gonna get hurt"
and about that time the manager slowly moved his arm
underneath his desk the boss-man sounded the alarm
and my partner looked at me with panic in his eyes
cause he knew that that this last job would be his demise
I screamed "keep your focus tight man and nobody here is gonna get hurt"
(chorus)
A----------------------------------------G#min
sometime that afternoon I was a one-man riot
F#min---------------------------------------(riffy riff) C#min--D--E
some time that afternoon all of hell broke loose
melodic interlude
build intensity
Sometime that afternoon I heard a shot ring out
and I didn't know what all the fuss was about
the sweat was on my brow but I had kept my cool
anybody gets out of line and man I'll take them to school
the calls are comin in from the psychos and the cops
and the hostages 'r all thinking that they're callin the shots
the crowds outside and the newsmen are all out for blood
things are getting out of hand in the name of love
nobody understands the pressures I'm under
and the headaches setting in and it makes me wonder
where were all of you when I needed you most
next time that you see me you'll be seeing my ghost
(chorus)
sometime that afternoon I was a one-man riot
some time that afternoon all of hell broke loose
(outro)
don't know who was more frightened them of me or me of myself
don't know who was more frightened them of me or me of myself
 
Hi Stephen,
Jamesoftee, I'm not hearing the Elton in my recording yet
No problem. This was the similarity I was noticing.
Sometime that afternoon------ I heard a shot ring out
(I ---don't want-- to- go- on ---with------ you like that)
I jumped up on the desk and I began to shout
(Don't wanna be another feather in your cap)
this is the direction I was hoping to take this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9ZIJxqPp5s &
Nice song. I noticed they didn't use the title for the hook.
Suggestion: You have minor chords in the verses like they do. They switch to major chords for the chorus, so if you want the similar feel, use major chords in your chorus......maybe like this......
A----------------------------------------B
sometime that afternoon I was a one-man riot
A-----------------------------------B..................G (one beat) F#m (intro riff) back into verse
some time that afternoon all of hell broke loose
possible line 3 & 4 for chorus
sometime that afternoon I asked for peace and quiet
some time that afternoon I ended up with nothing to lose
......so like this
A------------------------------------B
sometime that afternoon I was a one-man riot
A------------------------------------B
some time that afternoon all of hell broke loose
A------------------------------------------B
sometime that afternoon I asked for peace and quiet
A-----------------------------------------------B..................G (one beat) F#m (intro riff) back into verse
some time that afternoon I ended up with nothing; nothing to lose
Take or leave whatever suits your purpose. :wink:
James
