SSG Y10W26 - No Rain

Renee,
I like the way you changed from the limerick rhyming pattern in the last verse. I like the sensory references, I am getting good imagery on this lyric. Just a thought, I am wondering if the second verse (since it is past tense) theme with revised structure could be turned into a bridge, and/or switch the third and fourth lines around to rhyme burn, wood or smell.

I like the real simple chorus. When writing, I forget to make chorus's simple enough for people to sing along.

Some of the verse rhymes seem a bit forced. Forced rhymes sometimes are very good, see:
I don't want a pickle
Just want to ride muy motorcycle.

Hi Renee,

Good start :D I like the 3rd verse best that gets into describing some of the effects of no rain. Kudos for pushing ahead and just doing it even if you know you're not completely happy with it. That kind of letting go can help open a lot of options.

Suggestions/comments:

I know you are not finished with this work in progress, so if the comment or suggestion doesn't fit...ignore. :wink:

Try to build each idea on the previous and have them all supporting the title.

As the reader, feel a bit cheated in the 1st verse to have a mention of a plane ride but then not taking one; it's like an idea is started and dropped……when I read it again, I realized the “maybe” in there and at the end….. maybe comes across as superfluous…call it what it is….take the plane or say there's a monsoon coming…..otherwise the ideas seem like “fillers”….I've read a lot about in lyric writing making sure each word and phrase has it's purpose and holds it weight in the song.

In the same way, bringing up what happened last year with the fire feels like its brought up and dropped... "The situation was dire."......but then nothing.....maybe too close to real life “chit chat” when people are fishing for something to talk about but not able to get a conversation going.

The way the rhymes are packed together now give a more light-hearted limerick feel. That could work fine, but emotionally the lyrics feel stuck in neutral; not dramatic like "The Great Dust Bowl" or a drought in Africa, not comical….just matter of fact that it's not raining.

If you wanted to go more comical, maybe build on the idea about wanting to see clouds (verse 1) because the singer like to have his/her head in the clouds (daydreamer)...but with no clouds they have to be pragmatic and boring. Then contrast the fantasies with the boring reality of no rain.

Thanks for sharing.

James

I rewrote the verse that I didn't like and rearranged the verses.

Revision 1:

verse:

The weather can be fickle.
The river is down to a trickle.
All the plants are dry.
The weeds two inches high.
Leaves becoming brickle.

chorus:

Every day is the same.
No rain.
Another day of dust.
No rain.

verse:

I think about last year's blazes
The hills still show the traces.
Fear, dismay and agitation.
Houses burned to their foundations
And blackened barren spaces.

verse:

It's been months since we had rain.
Maybe I'll see some, get on a plane.
Go somewhere with humidity
And dip my toes into the sea.
I want to see the clouds again.

verse:

Maybe showers will come soon.
We could get an early monsoon.
Humid days with precipitation.
Making the washes run.
Clouds hiding the sun.

Hi Renee
Ive just been playing around with chord structures over your song (C Am F G) and it started to come alive. I sang it a slow ballad style, I really wanted the song to be pensive and emotional, so that's the route that I would take if this was mine. Good bones for a good song here :D .

cheers

Paul

Hi Renee
Ive just been playing around with chord structures over your song (C Am F G) and it started to come alive. I sang it in a slow ballad style, I really wanted the song to be pensive and emotional, so that's the route that I would take if this was mine. Good bones for a good song here :D .

cheers

Paul

Paul, I don't think I ended up with a ballad, but am not sure what to call it. Maybe blues, but that doesn't quite fit.

I changed the lyrics again and did a very rough recording. Not a lot of time to work on it this week, but it's not going in the trash.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11605444

verse:

The river has become a stream
Replenishment is just a dream.
For the grass that's dry,
The weeds two inches high
And wildlife looking lean.

chorus:

Another day of dust.
No rain.
Every day's the same.
No rain.

verse:

The hills still show the traces
Of last year's raging blazes
Fear, dismay and agitation.
Houses burned to their foundations
And blackened barren spaces.

verse:

It's been months since we've had rain.
Maybe I'll see some, get on a plane.
Go somewhere with humidity,
A quiet condo by the sea
Where I can see the clouds again.

verse:

Maybe showers will come soon.
Maybe we'll get an early monsoon.
Humid days with precipitation
Making the washes run.
Clouds hiding the sun.

Hi Renee,

Nice job on the music. :) I know this will sound like a strange comparison, but it sounds like a chord progression a la Led Zeppelin...not that it sounds like any particular song, but a "feel"

BTW I don't know if you know a way to increase the volume on your mp3s.....or maybe sit closer to the mic when you record. I can barely hear them when I play them. I have my volumes all the way up, but it's still a strain to hear.

Thanks for sharing.

James

Well, this is a first. My music has never been compared to Led Zeppelin before.

It's time to confess that I'm lazy about recording. My music room really doesn't have enough space to leave my recording equipment, such as it is, set up all the time. If I do leave it set up, I'm tripping over wires. Usually, I just turn on the Zoom H2 and start recording. I've now uploaded a new recording of this song using the H2, a real vocal mic and my Carvin Stagemate PA. Recorded through the PA into the H2, giving it a lot more volume.

New version here:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11605444

I posted a newer version. The guitar is a little loud for the vocals, but that's all I have time for today. I sped it up a little and changed the lyrics slightly on the third verse to this:

It's been months since we've had rain.
I think I need to get on a plane.
Go somewhere with humidity,
Rent a condo by the sea
Where I can see the clouds again.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11605444

Much easier to hear. :wink:
this is a first. My music has never been compared to Led Zeppelin before.
BTW this was the Led Zeppelin song I was thinking had some similarities "Gallows Pole"...more so in the slower section than the "jam"/uptempo section
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kBX0K9nxPc&feature=related