SSG year 2 week 42 - Fire and Ice - with MP3

Wow^3.

Jamir,

This is going to sound gratuitous, I know, but I can't help it. This is just amazingly beautiful. The contrast is wonderful, the imagery is sublime, and the story has such a wonderfully even flow to it. There are too many wonderful lines here to pick out just a few favorites, but here are a couple that struck me:

Brass monkeys glazed in the icy doom

I don't know anyone else who could've made that line fit in this context. But you did, and it works very well.

The flame is doused, the ice now steam

Excellent concise description of the two extremes cancelling each other. I love the way that line expresses it.

a couple other phrases that struck me as masterful:

glacial eyes (wish I'd thought of that one.)
and
a frozen comet with a flaming trail very very nice, and a nice use of alliteration.

Okay, I've gushed enough. But though it may sound gratuitous, it's really not. This song really struck me. I hope I get to hear it.

Thanks, Jamir.

-- Scratch 8)

Hey Jamir
Welcome Back

This is absolutely BEAUTIFUL, FABULOUS, WONDERFUL, GREAT...ETC. ETC. ETC.

I love every single line. I can't wait to hear this one.

Great job. that's all there is to say.

I can't add anything to the above comments except to say I whole-heartedly agree.......you have a beautiful turn of phrase, this is haunting and ethereal, very moving.....sends a shiver down my spine.....

WOW! about sums it up.......

Vic.

:D :D :D

Just read it again - one tiny question - is "Illusive" meant to mean "like an illusion" or should it be "elusive" as in hard to get hold of? It works either way, I'm just curious....because it would sound the same whichever way you spelt it.......

Vic.

hey ja'mir :D

yay, the others are right, this is fabulous!
your work is always so inspired with unusual phrases...(I might be a little jealous here... :wink: )

my favourite lines are:
with frosted breath she seals their fate
Mercury rising
With a dance of destruction he leaps to her side
The fireworks consuming her thoughts, they collide
The flame is doused the ice now steam
Happiness just a fleeting dream

you've definitely got a winner here:)

hope you'll post now on a regular basis again;)
bluenightangel

Jamir

can't say anything somebody hasn't already said except for...
in this verse below, for a lack of a better definition, they have destroyed each other. correct??
so why not change become to became, or were as one. only because in my mind they are now part of the past
or change the position of lines 3 and 4 with lines 5 and 6
does that make sense to anyone beside me??? no matter it is one fine piece of work.

Elementals like air and earth
Fire and ice the lovers curse
The flame is doused the ice now steam
Happiness just a fleeting dream
But for a moment in time they become one,
The ice queen and the fiery sun.

So Im trying to get back into being an active member of this forum. No better place to start then here I think.

This is definately one of your better one's Jamir (in my mind). It definately carries your fingerprint. This kind of "mystical" vibe that you always get going. Along with this tortured romance theme you often use.

I don't see anything i would change.

Good stuff,
-marv

Wow Jamir - you paint such beautiful pictures in your songs. I would love to hear this one. The chorus is great. There is only one line that sounded a little strange to me - "Mercury rising causes body heat sheen" - I mean, I understand what you're saying, it's just that causes body heat sheen sounds kinda odd to me - then again, it could just be me being dense and not reading it right, since no one else seems to have a problem with it - I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, it's great writing one way or another.

:) Portia

Thanks Scratch, Tokai,Blue and all for the grand feedback. for those with questions....

Vic...... it is meant to be ellusive !!!!! I am just a horrific speller !!!!!

Dreamer #9........ hmmmmmm..... i see your point and I do agree it
should be past tense as they have destroyed eachother, but then I would have to put The flame is doused the ice now steam the in the past ...... what do you think ?

Marv....... mystical and tortured.... ouch !!!!! :wink: still gotta get you to do Midnight... haven't forgotten that tortured one have you ? :roll:

Portia........ Him yip i agree with you and it is a nightmare to sing.... any ideas are most welcome
Go well
Ja'mir

Oh my, what a truly lovely piece of work I love this song. I too like the line:

"Brass monkeys glazed in the icy doom"

And these lines:

"Glacial eyes and a stiff frozen smile,
Chill the heart of all in denial"

This is just filled with wonderful stuff I would not change a thing.

Thank for the vote of confidence Bluenotefla, I hope to have it recorded before the weekend !!!! so any help on the sticky lines asap would be most appreciated.
:wink:

go well
Ja'mir

Jamir,

are the sticky lines:

Mercury rising causes body heat sheen,
and
But for a moment in time they become one,

if so... what about something along the lines of:

Mercury rising makes her body gleam (dunno, just a thought)

and :

For one fleeting moment, they were as one.

just a thought (or two)

-- Scratch 8)

Hi'a Scratch,

UUmmmm... I like the use of the word gleam, I'll just see how I can fit it to the melody.... sorry i have to line them up in order or i have to keep going back and forward to see the rest of the words

Mercury rising causes body heat sheen,
He turns to meet the illusive ice queen.

Mercury rising makes her body gleam
He turns to meet the illusive ice queen.

Mercury rising, her body now gleams
He turns to meet the illusive ice queen.
***********************************
For a moment in time they become one,
the ice queen and the fiery sun.

For one fleeting moment, they were as one.
the ice queen and the fiery sun.

Yip, this works much better.... thanks a mill. :D

go well
Ja'mir

Hi Jamir

Another fantastic submission from you - this is wonderful. Let us know when you've got it posted as I can't wait to hear it.

Excellent Stuff

Bob :D

For those that are interested here is what I have come up with for this song...... it was a lot more difficult then I imagined, that will teach me to write a long song and try and record it in under 4 minutes, when my first attempt took 6 :?

I am not sure how to hyperlink this so ..... just go to my web address below then go to the music studio and you will find the song there under
Fire and Ice
until Adam manages to get it up on moosoft !!!

Comments always appreciated.
go well
Ja'mir