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SSG12 - Week8 - Castles in the sky - mp3 - Remastered

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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

I've been trying to get a song out for the last few weeks (at least 1 more before the end of the year) but for one reason or another just haven't managed it, so here's my last chance. It is minimalist but I'm only looking to convey 1 simple idea.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12623214

Castles in the sky
©2013 Paul Brady All Rights Reserved

final version
==========
I’m your King, you’re my Queen
in this fairy tale, this is my dream
I look at you but I see right through
those clouds to a life that could have been

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

Cos every once in a while you know you get it right
and right now your right in my mind
And who’s to say what’s is real and what's a dream
In this fairy tale your still my Queen

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

I wish that you were here

version 3
========
I’m your King and you’re my Queen
in this fairy tale, this is my dream
I look at you but I see right through
those clouds to a life that could have been

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

But every once in a while you know you get it right
even though it’s just in your mind
And who’s to say what’s is real and what's a dream
In this fairy tale your still my Queen

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

I wish that you were here

version 2
========

If I’m your King then you’re my Queen
my fairy tale, this is my dream
I look at you and I see right through
the clouds to a life that could have been

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

But every once in a while you know you can get it right
even though it’s just in your mind
And who’s to say what’s is real and what's a dream
who are they, who are you and who am I

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

I wish that you were here

Original version
==============
If I’m your King then you’re my Queen
my fairy tale, this is my dream
I look at you and I see right through
the clouds to a life that could have been

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

But every once in a while you know you can get it right
even though it’s just in your mind
And who’s to say what’s is real and what is not
who are they, who are you and who am I

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

Castles in the sky they make me cry
Castles in the air
Castles in the sky they make me cry
I wish that you were here

I wish that you were here


Check out my Reverbnation page here


Quote
(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Hi Paul

Minimalist is usually a good thing when it comes to songwriting, and I think it works here very well.

Like the choruses and the first two lines of the second verse a lot. You might tweak the third line of the second verse to tie it back in with the "dream" idea of the first verse:

But every once in a while you know you can get it right
even though it’s just in your mind
And who’s to say what’s real and what's a dream
who are they, who are you and who am I

Hoping we get to hear this one at some point! And, as always, looking forward to more. Happy New Year!

Peace


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

Thanks David,

yes I like your suggestion thanks

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@andygetch)
Reputable Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 328
 

Hi Paul,
I like the internal couplets added to the end rhymes. Hearing kind of a folkie country John Denver style song in my head but thats just me. I am wondering if you thought about slipping a bit of imagery in the lyric. For example in version one
I look at you and I see right through
the clouds to a life that could have been

perhaps "the clouds" could be "gray clouds" "pale clouds" "blue clouds" or some other descriptor to help develop the image and feeling. Maybe one or two other places in the lyric as well? Just a thought, use it if it helps :D
Andy

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1228093


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(@hobson)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 794
 

Always the question when songwriting. Keep it generalized/minimalist or add some specific description. In this case, I think adding some modifiers would help. Instead of "dream," use something like "fondest dream" or "long-time dream" or "fervent dream."

In the second line of the first verse, "my fairy tale" is kind of hanging out there. Does it refer to "my Queen." Maybe reword this line to:

This is my fairy tale, my dream.

Renee


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

Thanks Andy and Renee.
I think version 3 is nearly there.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

mp3 posted here

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12623214

I've left space for a lead, I'm thinking a flute at this stage

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Flute would certainly be nice, as would a pan flute. Marimba, maybe? It's got a bit of a calypso feel so even steel drums might be nice.

Very wonderful song, Paul. I'm going to be singing this all week, I suspect.

Peace


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

Thanks David,
I'm going to be singing this all week, I suspect

yeah me too its quite catchy :D

I've revised it one more time and tightened it up a bit, the second verse always worried me.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 948
 

Very catchy is right. When I read it, it seemed to be overly simplistic but it came out nicely as a song.
I could see this going somewhere in pop life.


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

Thanks John,

Ive uploaded the final version here

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12623214

this one has a flute in the lead break

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

Really like the mp3, Paul, and the flute works beautifully! Two TINY little things....minimalism's cool, up to a point, but....and this is just my opinion, and a suggestion which you can feel totally free to ignore....I'd love to hear the guitar track double-tracked with a tiny bit of delay, give it just a touch more depth and a bit of spaciness - might work well. As for the guitar, I think you might try pitching the chords a semitone or two higher....although the voice is pretty good, as always, you seemed to waver just a tad on the lowest notes. Use the same chords, try a capo on either one or two frets up. Again, feel free to totally ignore - hell, it's your song, and it's a good one!

Sorry mate, but you're only getting 9/10 for this one - jeez, I'm getting nasty in my old age!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Had this song in my head all New Year's Eve. Now I'm going to have it in my head the rest of the week as well.

Nice work with the flute. And though I can hear Vic's ideas (and they'd certainly be worth exploring), this version works just fine, too.

Peace


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
Topic starter  

Thanks for comments Vic.
The 2 points you raise are very valid. As far as the guitar track is concerned you may not believe it but I spent well over a hour trying to get the effect you mention, I agree a bit of spacial placement would be good. I tried the double-track and delay technique but it just didnt work. I tried using mono tracks using the same technique, again no cigar. I eventually opted for a stereo track using a delay plugin and inverted channel plus a 5.1 placement plugin still not the best. What I really want is the guitar to appear to be right at the sides of the headphones (in the cans themselves), I'll keep working on it. As for the vocal yeah G is such a hard key for me I've either got to go high or low. My guitar is normally tuned 2 steps down but this time I grabbed an old (but a goody) classical guitar that's in standard tuning and started writing. I think in the live versions of this I'll find a more comfortable key

David
Now I'm going to have it in my head the rest of the week as well
Cool, that means job done :D

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2976
 

Hey Mr Brady ,
Long time huh ..
1 st of all I must say what a pure delight it was listening to this I loved the flute , I will be around more now - I am looking forward to reading and listening your work more and more now -
I just love this song - well written beautifully preformed , well done Mr Brady
Bravo !

Trev

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


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