OK, I'm new here. This forum is great!
Here's my contribution. It's not finished and I know it needs polishing. But I thought I'd post what I have so far.
A Different Tale
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Watching the world go by
She was thinkin' ‘bout why he left her
And wonderin' how she could've been so blind
She thought he was Prince Charming
But she didn't see the villain within
And when he ran off with Alice
Her Wonderland came to an end
Chorus
She said, “All the kings' horses and all the king's men
Won't make me love him ever again.
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll prevail
And he'll wish that he'd been in a different tale.â€
Well along came a spider and sat down beside her
And Little Miss Muffet just winced
Because this ugly, creepy crawly thing
Reminded her of her Prince
So she stretched out her foot and without a pause
She crushed it into the ground
Then she got up and went after him
And his body's never been found.
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Gina
This is really good.
I really can not find anything I would change. Maybe the meter is off a couple of places, but you may have intended for it to be so.
Try to go over it again and see if your tongue stumbles anywhere.
I love the story you are telling.
Thumbs up. Olav
Hi, Gina and welcome to the party.
It works for me. As you say, it needs some polish but on the whole I think it's fine.
Best,
Alan
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
Heya Gina,
This is fantastic! it sings (to me anyway) exactly like a nursery rhyme does, is simple & really funny too. I love it!
Great work..
;D
If Practice makes perfect & nobody is perfect.. Why practice?
Well done Gina, really great to read. I do agree that the meter is off in the chorus bit and a real mouthful if you are trying top sing it, but easily changed.
Go well
Jamir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi,
Thanks for the compliments! I agree, the chorus needs work. One of the hardest things to write (for me, anyway) is a simple lyric. I always get too wordy. I know what I want to say, the challege is to say it in a way that's short and sweet! But at least I know I'm on the right track.
Thanks again! Can I add that I've really been creatively stagnant lately and this forum is a fantastic way for me to get the creativity flowing again.
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Welcome, Gina!
I really like this song, but the following leaves me puzzled:
So she stretched out her foot and without a pause
She crushed it into the ground
Then she got up and went after him
And his body's never been found
Perhaps this could be clarified a bit. Again, welcome and good work!
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
I too was confused by the last line, but overall
it is a very well done.
Yeah, I know, I had trouble making that clear. I was trying to compare him with the spider, and that her action of crushing the spider was a metaphor for her killing her cheating boyfriend. (wow, metaphors! I've never done that in a song before 8)) It was kind of a lame ending, though! I'll try and rework the song at some point.
Thanks for the feedback! ;D
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Hi Gina
Welcome to the SSG and I hope we get to read a lot more of your lyrics. This is great!
I know what you mean about writing simple things without getting wordy. It can be close to impossible sometimes.
My only suggestion is in the last verse. Just changing the second and third lines a tad should clear up any confusion that might arise (I, like Maxwell, lost sight of whom "him" was). Something like this might work:
So she stretched out her foot and without a pause
Crushed the crawler right into the ground
Then with a smile quite alarming she went looking for Charming
Whose body has never been found.
Just a thought.
Peace
This is good and welcome Gina!
Hi Gina
Welcome to the SSG and I hope we get to read a lot more of your lyrics. This is great!
I know what you mean about writing simple things without getting wordy. It can be close to impossible sometimes.
My only suggestion is in the last verse. Just changing the second and third lines a tad should clear up any confusion that might arise (I, like Maxwell, lost sight of whom "him" was). Something like this might work:
So she stretched out her foot and without a pause
Crushed the crawler right into the ground
Then with a smile quite alarming she went looking for Charming
Whose body has never been found.Just a thought.
Peace
Yeah, yeah! I see what you mean. I like that! That works out great. Thanks for the tip. ;D
"And if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." -- George Harrison
Hi Gina,
It's really hard with fairy tales, but you want to be as conversational as you can be. Fairy tale rhymes make that an almost impossible balancing act.
I wouldn't worry about it too much here.
What I do like about your song is you have a well thought out story with beginning and middle and end.
You tied the fairy tales in well.
I like the Alan Green method of walking around and reading it out loud. See if any parts strike you as things you want to fix.
Super song!
What I like best is how you insert well-known phrases from a wide variety of nursery rhymes
("huff and puff," "all the king's horses" "Wonderland" "Prince Charming"). It shows great creativity and adds to the contrast between fairy tale and reality.
I think it's excellent as is, but if I wanted to be picky, here's the suggestion I would give:
In verse 2, you rhyme within with end:
She thought he was Prince Charming
But she didn't see the villain within
And when he ran off with Alice
Her Wonderland came to an end
The rhyme is workable, but here's another option: rhyme inside with died as follows:
She thought he was Prince Charming
But she didn't see the villain inside
And when he ran off with Alice
Her Wonderland promptly died.
Other than that (the only reason I'm telling you is that I read the song through a few times and I kept dwelling on those lines), it's great!
- silly putty
