Though one, ......and short one ;)
Blessings.
Olav
V1
Weighty steps on familiar ground
Faithless walk inside the glass
Brought to a place of despair
Transparent walls I cannot pass
V2
A township of fear and doubt
Lack of faith enthralls.
Like a salamander in a bottle
Trapped in a prison of glazed walls
Chorus:
Beyond the glass, beyond the doubt
I’ll find you there, You said I would
Attuned to your presence
Resting safely in your hand
V3
As lifted by a child’s hand
The momentum brings me afar
To a place of no despair
To the place where you are
Chorus:
Beyond the glass, beyond the doubt
I’ll find you there, You said I would
Attuned to your presence
Resting safely in your hand
Hi Olav
This is really good stuff. I thought this week's assignment was a bit of a pain and would cause some trouble but you've sailed through it.
I seriously wouldn't change any of this.
Like a salamander in a bottle
Trapped in a prison of glazed walls
Love these lines
Excellent stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi Olav,
This is very good. I can't add much to what Bob said. There's nothing there I would change. The imagery is wonderful, and the whole thing flows very nicely. My favorite part is the chorus. Simple, catchy, and uplifting. Thanks man.
-- Scratch
I thought this week's assignment was a bit of a pain and would cause some trouble
umm... you were right on both counts, Bob. 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Olav,
I love short lyrics because they allow you to put more music in without words and still keep the song a reasonable length.
As Scratch said, the chorus is really good.
That said, it seems like making the listener wait two verses for the chorus in this song might be a crime, especially when the two first verses really reiterate some of the same ideas. Depending on how this is sung, this could be a good thing, but as someone who's name rhymes with "flick" once wrote: "If you can say it in fewer words, why don't you?" I think I'd go ahead and sing the chorus after the first verse, or consolidate verses one and two and then add a bridge to bring back any ideas that get lost.
But it is your song, and I think you've done a wonderful job with a tough assignment.
Doug
Hmmm…….
Doug. I never thought about it like that. These are some good ideas to take into consideration. I’m going to do a little rewrite this weekend and see what I can come up with, guess I also need to come up with some music for it, to feel the effect of what you are suggesting. I appreciate your advice. Thanks
Bob and Scratch.
Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to critique my song
Blessings. Olav
I am a big fan of the short phrase format. You did
an awesome job here and it was a pleasure to read.
Any changes would need to be pointed out by you.
