SSG2 - Week 47 - Sozay

The sun beats down
On the footpath
Tries to say
‘It's a beautiful day
To start again'

[Chorus]
But as hard as it tries
The sky's still blue

I would put those together as a chorus. You repeat them in order 2 out of 3 times anyway and the chorus as it is seems to be short and incomplete as a thought. To illustrate what I mean it doesn't follow the bridge to well to me. Try reading just the bridge and the chorus without the rest to see what I mean:
[Bridge]
It gets up everyday
Knowing no one will meet its eye
It hard to wake up to the thought
You know so many faces
But you don't know mine

[Chorus]
But as hard as it tries
The sky's still blue

Then try like this:
[Bridge]
It gets up everyday
Knowing no one will meet its eye
It hard to wake up to the thought
You know so many faces
But you don't know mine

[Chorus]
The sun beats down
On the footpath
Tries to say
‘It's a beautiful day
To start again'
But as hard as it tries
The sky's still blue

8) 8) I really loved the line"gave birth to the day"

thanks guys,
i've changed those lines as you suggested nroberts... well pretty much i made the second part of the verses a pre-chorus, just cuz rhytmical they are pretty different to the chorus.
thanks again
sozay

I suppose we can forgive you - but it'll take time, mind! - for not following the assignment to the letter.......

Lovely imagery, my mind's eye is full of colours.......chief among them the bright blue sky.......I like the way you've given me the image of a man hiding away from the sun, can't face the world.......

Works well for me.

:) :) :)

Vic

mods, move it to the songwriting club. :wink:
anyway, sozay, impressive stuff man. short and sweet lines. but the second verse needs work. good, good stuff here.

Sozay,

I thought this was very good:
It hard to wake up to the thought
You know so many faces
But you don't know mine

In fact, those last two lines may provide you with a springboard into a totally different song. I'd save those on their own.

Anyways, I'm with Vic. It's a nice, upbeat tune, and I liked it. Even if it didn't totally follow the letter of the assignment. It was close.

-- Scratch 8)

Thanks for the replies everyone, it does need a bit of polishing up. I kind of feel like i've been a bit vague and people are misunderstanding. as 'sunny' (sorry couldnt resist) as the verses are the idea was that the chorus meant "as hard it (the sun) tries, the sky is still blue (sad)", like the man in the room.
the bridge was supposed to reinforce the feeling that while the sun is so optimistic, getting up, providing all this glory/beauty to the world, our narrator hides away, cant get up knowing someone (take a stab and say a gorgeous girl, :P) hasnt seen his face...
i guess musically it would be a bright acoustic affair, that falls back on darker minor chorus. likewise the bridge would probably use that old beatles trick, an use the relative minors of the verse chords.
and thanks for putting up with this rant and the unweatherlike nature of the lyric :P
sozay