Week 47 Weathering the storm

These times are what I call volatile
Im walking on eggshells and all the while
she is looking like an orchid swaying in the breeze
Feeding on electricity

As a whole I like it a lot, but I think you could do better to introduce your topic. When I read the first line I am expecting something more political or reason why "these times are ... volatile". It takes me the better part of the first verse and chorus to figure out that this is not what the song is about.

Your imagery is excellent, but this first line, because it is in a position of such importance, kind of throws it for me.

Hi Jackal,

I'll second nroberts. I think the first verse could be a bit stronger as an intro. However, the imagery is excellent, the meter is very good. And I thought the chorus is superb. I love the chorus.

Funny, when I read this week's assignment, I thought, "I wonder how many 'girl-is-a-storm' metaphors this will spawn." So I'll put this one down as 1 tic in that column.

Anyways, as a whole, I love it. I think if you leave it as-is it will be good. If you re-work the 1st verse, it will be a fantastic song.

-- Scratch 8)

Thanks for the kind words both Scratch and nroberts.
In review, it seems you guys are right. For me, writing the song, I know exactly what the first verse means but I am not singing to me. I will have to rework that a bit. I also have been reading the beginners tips and thought about changing the chorus from

Her eyes are as clear as a day in the spring
A smile like a summer morn
Her tears are just like the rain on the ocean
and Im livin with the eye of the storm

to

Her eyes are as clear as a day in the spring
Her smile is a summer morn
Her tears are the rain that blows in from ocean
and Im livin with the eye of the storm

This is in reference to the tip -- tell me what it is not what it is like so i got rid of a couple of "likes"

What do you think?

TheJackal.

It was a good change in the third line and seems to have made it better. I am not so sure about with the second line though...I kind of liked it the way it was but then again like the new version as well. So I am undecided about the second line.

Sorry guys,

Haha just had a thought on the first verse.

These times are what I call volatile
We both think we're right and all the while
she is looking like an orchid swaying in the breeze
Feeding on electricity

Not much of a change but it brings the argument into the mix earlier right?

TheJackal.

Jackal,

Most of what I had to say has already been addressed. You are on the right track with your edits. As far as the chorus goes I liked the first one fine but the second seems to make a little more sense. I might suggest that on the line:

"Her tears are the rain that blows in from ocean "

You could try somethihg like:

Her tears are the rain blowing in from the ocean

Good work.

Celt

Her eyes are as clear as a day in the spring
Her smile is a summer morn
Her tears are the rain that blows in from ocean
and Im livin with the eye of the storm .........

It's the "eye of the storm" image I'm having trouble with, you're talking about a volatile girl, right? temperamental, a bit stormy-natured?

the eye of the storm is the calmest part......so you've got a clashing metaphor....if you'd continued along the volatile theme,ie "Anything can happen in the next half-hour" (memories of Stingray there for those of us of a certain age!!!)..then yes, you would be living in (not "with") the eye of the storm.....

you could try changing it to ........

A) "but that's just the eye of the storm" (the word "just" could be dropped if it makes the line too long)

or B) "but for now we're in the eye of the storm".............(i.e. things could get a little rocky when the storm passes over/ moves on.......

for the first verse, I'd keep the "electric" image......fits in well with the storm theme....., but maybe change the last line line to something like "but she's pure electricity".......got a nice contrast there to "she is looking like an orchid swaying in the breeze......

"Her words like the wind in perpetual motion,
are as sharp as those rocks that lay wait in the ocean" - heh, that's beautiful, a good a couplet as I've ever seen.......

Your best lines seem to be your more poetic lines.....you have a nice turn of phrase, nice lyrical imagery, play to your strengths.....

Oh yes, by the way, I do like the song!!!

:) :) :)

Vic.

Hi jackal,
don't change your first line. your revised first verse is better. the "volatile" kinda works as a metaphor too for any kinda political or similar situations. hey Vic, jackal has written a song with a lot of flexibility regarding its interpretation. At first look, it feels like its about a girl but it also portrays the ferocity and the cunning of a real weather storm. So, I guess jackal you really are a jackal :wink: nice work.

hey jackal,
Funny, when I read this week's assignment, I thought, "I wonder how many 'girl-is-a-storm' metaphors this will spawn." So I'll put this one down as 1 tic in that column. guess i should really start reading these songs when i am more awake, when ever that might be. :D i missed the whole "girl-as-storm" thing. :oops:

even though it is still a fairy good song. i was thrown off by the same line as vic. "livin with the eye of the storm" at first i wasn't too sure what exactly that meant. i understand after reading everyone else's comments. nice over all song and imagery. i enjoyed reading it even if i just thought it was about a storm.

-CheapThrill

Thanks so much for all the feedback guys. I dont know if anyone noticed but I am yet to post an opinion on anyone elses work. It will be coming I promise. Just feel a little green to be laying down dos and donts for anyone else.

Here is how I see it, as far as the purpose of a song goes anyway. What I am most happy about is to hear you guys discussing what a particular line in this song does or does not mean. That to me is what I want my lyrics to do. To evoke opinions and emotion. I think if I am too exact or precise about meanings, then there is not much left to think about.
Vic -- I will say this in defense of the eye of the storm line --- the eye of the storm is responsible for many deaths during hurricanes. Many a fool has seen the rain stop, the wind settle and the sun come out and ventured out only to get hit once the eye passes. Perhaps I should change it to living "in" and not "with" but she "is" the eye of the storm -- sunny and beautiful trapping fools. haha

Think I might change my nic to RamblinMan. ha

Speaking of rambling -- one more thing. Orchids do feed from electricity. I like the thought of that. Something so beautiful and sometimes fragile feeding off a lightning strike. Stronger and more resourceful than its appearance eh?

Thanks again,

TheJackal.

Vic -- I will say this in defense of the eye of the storm line --- the eye of the storm is responsible for many deaths during hurricanes. Many a fool has seen the rain stop, the wind settle and the sun come out and ventured out only to get hit once the eye passes.

Point taken, my misunderstanding........

Perhaps I should change it to living "in" and not "with" but she "is" the eye of the storm -- sunny and beautiful trapping fools. haha

That works better for me.......

Speaking of rambling -- one more thing. Orchids do feed from electricity. I like the thought of that. Something so beautiful and sometimes fragile feeding off a lightning strike. Stronger and more resourceful than its appearance eh?

I didn't know that, and it does make things a little clearer....

:) :) :)

Vic.

Hey thanks again for the feedback Vic.

I hope I didn't offend at all with the rambling. :lol:

TheJackal.

hey jackal,

i didn't know the whole thing about orchids feeding on electriciy either. interesting to know.

hey, don't think that you aren't good enough to comment on other people's work. if you can read a song and have a thought about it, you cam comment. i commented for weeks on other people's stuff before i wrote my first song. and i don't know anything about music, and thought at first that i wouldn't ever be able to write anything that i wouldn't be embarassed about. anything that someone thinks about a song is a valid comment. just think most of the people that would hear a song if it was on the radio don't know anything about music or songwritting but they do have thoughts about the song. so please don't feel inhibited about sharing your thoughts and feelings on other's songs.

we are just one big happy(not that you would always know from our songs) family here. we would all love to hear you comments.

see you aren't the only one that rambles on. :lol: :lol:

-CheapThrill

hey jackal,

i didn't know the whole thing about orchids feeding on electriciy either. interesting to know.

hey, don't think that you aren't good enough to comment on other people's work. if you can read a song and have a thought about it, you cam comment. i commented for weeks on other people's stuff before i wrote my first song. and i don't know anything about music, and thought at first that i wouldn't ever be able to write anything that i wouldn't be embarassed about. anything that someone thinks about a song is a valid comment. just think most of the people that would hear a song if it was on the radio don't know anything about music or songwritting but they do have thoughts about the song. so please don't feel inhibited about sharing your thoughts and feelings on other's songs.

we are just one big happy(not that you would always know from our songs) family here. we would all love to hear you comments.

see you aren't the only one that rambles on. :lol: :lol:

-CheapThrill