SSG2 Week 51 Nick

At the moment this does not seem like a letter.

And if you are going to use this section,
When pen and paper fight
Like man and wife
say black is white and day is night
which as I understand it, is always up for review.

Then how about re-wording it to..

When pen and paper fight
Like how man and wife
Swear day is night, and black is white.

I like the line, rings from whisky glasses, but the rest of that section seems to elaborate.

May be just me though.

hey nick,

i like what you have so far. nice imagery, but am lost a little bit on story, if there is a solid one. you have a good start, you certainly leave me wanting a whole lot more.
I've got a pocket full of lines
And words to write
And they can't get me what was mine these are my favorite lines here. but i don't quite like/get the last line here. :? what was mine? i think i just figured something out here, a few mins after writting that. are you talking about the words can't get you your woman back?

can't wait to see what changes are to come.

-CheapThrill

It's still very rough, this is just my initial spew of thought. I try not to limit or edit myself to much at this point.

Eventually the letter will be about writing the letter. I think.

and yep, the words won't get the woman back.

I think it's all very good so far.

Good to see you scribbling again, Nick.

A :-)

i like the idea of writting a song about writting a song. or writting a letter about writting a letter. "black is white and day is night" is on the cliche side of things. i also personally believe, though you may not and that's fine too, that ryhme should not be predictable. i suppose it depends on who you're writting to/for. i'm not even sure who this is to if you are writting about writting. i guess to nobody. or maybe yourself.

but if i had to help you out (and i'm not good at helping, i usually just say "what would i do if i wrote this?" so beware!) but if i had to i'd...

When pen and paper fight
like man and wife
the children are harmed.
(assuming this should (slant) rhyme with "wrong"

actually. i'm not sure what your rhyme sceme is or even the flow of everything.. so i actually don't think i can help you without completely assuming everything. but who knows. maybe my blabbering helped

sure it did, It helped me see the obvious cliche that slipped through.

This is still in first draft stage and incomplete, I'll try to get more done tonight.

Hi Nick,

Because this is still in the first draft stage, there's not much yet that I could say about it, except that I'm really quite keen on seeing how it shapes up. I really like the last verse:
rings from whiskey glasses
etch the bedside table
reflecting double rings of gold
The only thing is, I think "reflecting" isn't the best word here. As I'm reading this, I take your meaning to be that the character in the song sees the water rings left by his whiskey glasses, (possibly overlapped) and it reminds him of the wedding bands. If I'm right, then there must be a better word for it than "reflecting." I'm sure you're familiar with Mark Twain's axiom about the right word vs. the almost right word. And I think in this case, reflecting is the almost right word.

Really looking forward to seeing how this progresses.

-- Scratch 8)

I'd change that last line to

Mirror those old golden bands.....

She's given you the ring back, it's on the bedside table - along with your own...the rings from the glasses mirror the entwined wedding rings which are, sadly, on the table instead of on your fingers......

Vic

just some new scribbles:

If I only had the time
to keep my secrets straight
I see the clock but it's just too late

Hey nick, great ideas. Its good to see other writers show their process. :D :D I'm looking forword to the finished song--the dog