Hi :)
I know this is not structured the way you wanted, but I Liked the chorus and this is what I came up with. The chorus is by maxwell. Hope its ok?
Crimson Tears
He got a call he had to go
Fight for what he believed
The right to freedom for us all
Then kissed his family
He didn't know what was in store
Or where he was to go
Just a soldier following orders
Going where he's told
They faced each other on the battlefield
As their fathers had before
Urban streets and desert sands
In this never ending war
Steel machinery of Death
Turns its time worn gears
As the rivers and the seasons
Run full with crimson tears
The months they passed so slowly
He never made it home
Only message she received
"Whereabouts unknown"
She never gave up hoping
Until they laid her in her grave
Then she saw him standing
A top a crimson wave.
They faced each other on the battlefield
As their fathers had before
Urban streets and desert sands
In this never ending war
Steel machinery of Death
Turns its time worn gears
As the rivers and the seasons
Run full with crimson tears
Inkpen ;)
I like what you have done with this one Inkpen, it really does justice to the chorus . i especially like these lines
She never gave up hoping
Until they laid her in her grave
Then she saw him standing
A top a crimson wave.
excellent thought pattern.
go well
Jamir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Inkpen
I know this is not structured the way you wanted,
The structure was only suggested so don't worry over that.
This is a very well written song. I think the verses complement Maxwell's chorus really well. I think your rhythm is excellent and the rhyming scheme works really well. Good plotline logically structured and some excellent lines. This was an enjoyable read from start to finish.
Good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
I am pleased you did so well with the chorus. Very nice.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
Hi guys and thanks
I was thinking of dropping the last chorus and changing the last line though. What do you think?Crimson Tears
He got a call he had to go
Fight for what he believed
The right to freedom for us all
Then kissed his family
He didn't know what was in store
Or where he was to go
Just a soldier following orders
Going where he's told
They faced each other on the battlefield
As their fathers had before
Urban streets and desert sands
In this never ending war
Steel machinery of Death
Turns its time worn gears
As the rivers and the seasons
Run full with crimson tears
The months they passed so slowly
He never made it home
Only message she received
"Whereabouts unknown"
She never gave up hoping
Until they laid her in her grave
Then she saw him standing
Young,strong and brave.
Maxwell I posted this in another site and got back great feedback. Let me know if you want to check it out
take care
lucy :)
Yes, I'd really like to check it out. If for any reason you don't want to post a link here, you can send me a private message.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
How about "Peaceful, free, and brave" having thrown off the shackles of war and the perceived need for war.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
Can't see it being a problem :)
The freedom exchange
take care
lucy :)
I agree with Bob the verses fit perfectly to the chorus. I like it very much.
What I mostly like is how the chorus is in general, while the verses are personal. It gives it a really 'complete feeling'
Crimson Tears was one of my submitted titles, and
I am impressed with the words that have formed
around it. Great stuff Inkpen and Maxwell.
Maybe the last assignment should be the original
submitter has to perform the finished work. :o
I have a really hard time just picking a title and writing a chorus for it. Â Usually the title picks me. Â I read, re-read, and pondered all of the submitted titles many times, and suddenly Crimson Tears just grabbed me with an image of the futility of wars that rage on for generation after generation, be it Northern Ireland, the Middle East conflicts (plural, as there are more than just the Israel/Palestine conflict with which we are all familiar), Afghanistan (which has pretty much been at war since the time of Alexander the Great) the numerous African conflicts, the frequent revolutions in Latin and South America, the simmering Native American vs. "White Man" discontents of North America, etc., etc. Â Futile, yet never ending.
As long as there is offense (real or perceived), there will of necessity (real or perceived), be defense. The blood and the tears will flow forever. Â Crimson Tears. Â Excellent title MJ. Â Excellent enveloping of the chorus with your verses Inkpen. Â Thank you.
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
I'm new to the site and didn't know it was continuing throughout the lessons. I've already posted the song on soundclick http://www.soundclick.com/inkpen if I should remove it please let me know.
take care
inkpen :)
No, what you have done is fine. I think MJ was just thinking that might just bring the whole song full circle. I'd love to hear what kind of melody MJ would put to the lyrics too, kind of get a different perspective. Its all about learning, sharing, growing, improving, and having fun!
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
Yes,
MJbird I would like to hear you ideas for the music too. Sorry I jumped the gun.Like maxwell said we are here to learn from each other and have fun doing it.
Also maxwell thank you for helping me with getting the songs to play.
Have to tell you guys that the song is 49 on country general charts ;).
take care
inkpen :)
