SSG2 wk 12 (family photograph)

Inkpen.
I like the story. It flows well. However, I do think it is a bit long.
Maybe try to shorten the lines to something like this

Framed memories, childrens laughter
My hand in his,
Its like it was yesterday
But time faded the colors,
And turned my hair to gray

I dont know, that may just ruin it for you, but do you see what I mean?
This is just my opinion, and it is YOUR lyrics. And I do think its great writing. Your writing that is
Blessings. Olav

Inkpen,
  Very good writing (it has a lonely undertone, a sort of Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle" type of message).

As for Olav's comments: I agree that there may be places where you can tighten up the lyrics (though not necessarily as drastically as he suggested...unless you want to).

My only comment is that it's sort of confusing when you say "my children's ...". I can't tell whether it's supposed to be one child or multiple children. Perhaps, there's more than one child, you could say "my kids have" or "my kids are." That fixes the singular/plural issue.

Keep it up,
silly putty

Thanks Olav and Silly_putty :)

I will give it another go and try to tighten it up a little Olav,
Silly_putty I never realized that, and besides kids will fit and sound better I think.

Thanks again guys
Inkpen :)

Hi'a Inkpen,
What type of music do you play?
I can visualize it shortened, but also like it the way it is. I play folk and ballad and as it stands, would work very well that way. ( so don't change it tooooo muc ok  ;)

Go well
Ja'mir

P.S. Glad "himself" is still alive and kicking, does he realized he's been immortalized in song before his time

Thank-you Jamir  :)

I try to write country, but tend to lean toward folk and ballads.

P.S. Glad "himself" is still alive and kicking, does he realized he's been immortalized in song before his time.

;D ;D  Me too,
No he doesn't   ;)

take care
inkpen :)

If  you write country/ folk,  I personally wouldn't change it at all, it would take away that home sweet home type of feeling.
when are we going to hear it ?

hopfully soon
Ja'mir ;)

Really good, and it sounds like a country song!

My only criticism is that in the first verse, lines 1 and 2 rhyme, and lines 3 and 4 rhyme. But in the rest of the song, it's only lines 2 and 4 that rhyme. So the rhyming is a little uneven. I also thought that in the first 2 lines "round" and "around" was a little repetitive.

Maybe try switching the lines around:

I'm looking at a picture, where my children circle round
I remember when it was taken, like it was yesterday
My husband holds my hand, smiles are everywhere
Now time faded the colors, turned my hair to gray

Well, my 3rd line needs work but I think you get my suggestion!

Thank-you Gina ,

I never noticed that  :). that is whats so great about these forums, other people see what we don't.

Thank-you Jamir, I'm not sure when I'll get it up, I'm sorta at something else right now I need to get finished.

take care
inkpen :)

I like the song as is, but would change "children's" to "kids are"  and "kids have" for grammatical reasons.  Other than that, can't wait to hear it.

Just a thought.  You could consider adding more impact to this line: A family photograph, Now just for me with something like A faded family photo, a moment of life to me , or something like that to show that it is not just a piece of paper, but moments of time captured within the photo; the sounds, the laughter, the joy, the weather, the argument, the stain on the tie, the torn stocking, etc., all the memories that come to mind when you look at that photo.  Its alive!