This is an old one, but i'd rejigged it a little and added a bridge recently, so thought i'd put it here... just so ppl remember that im still alive and kicking too :P
Saw an ad on late night TV
It said "Just five dollars could change a life"
So i sent my money with a note saying
"Could you please change mine"
Day by day, week by week
Been working on, my losing streak
Chorus
I hope that comfort will come to me in my sleep
Now that you don't anymore... (repeated)
Lost count of the days since you left me
Well I've started to stop keeping track
Had it tallied right up until
It totalled you'll never be back
One by one, two by two
Working on believing, I don't need you
Chorus
I hope that comfort will come to me in my sleep
Now that you don't anymore... (repeated)
Bridge
Beds are for sleeping now
Candles just for light
Roses are for other people
At least this empty house is mine [edited: originally 'Nothing feels right']
chorus
I hope that comfort will come to me in my sleep
Now that you don't anymore
now that you don't anymore....
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
Alive and very much kicking!! This is really good!
Well I've started to stop keeping tracking great line, although I think you mean just 'track'.
Had it tallied right up until
It totalled you'll never be back and then you follow it up with that. Superb stuff.
However, I would have to say your new bridge seems weak. It seems added as an after thought (which in a way it was!). Might I suggest removing the second 'now', the one in the third line? That tightens it up a little. I'd also change the last line. You've got beds, candles, roses and... I think it would work better with something more tanglible in that 4th line.
But yeah, other than that, really great!
Hope to see you here on a more regular basis!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
wow loved reading this, its quirky and interesting, i especially like the first verse!
thanks guys,
ive made those mods suggested, thanks gj. ive changed the bridge too... dont know that it is really that much better...
thanks again
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
I liked it. It has this here and now quality that I don't feel with most songs. Plus I get this visual image of a poor kid in some third world country when you say,
Saw an ad on late night TV
It said "Just five dollars could change a life"
I remember those ads on TV and I wonder where Angela Lansbury went off too. I did think that your bridge was building up great then I was disappointed in your final line of it. Perhaps just moving the lines around would give it more of a climactic feeling to it. That is just my peace. Its good writing. Enjoyable to say the least.
No words no explination just music
I like this a lot and have to agree with gjbrake:
'Well I've started to stop keeping track
Had it tallied right up until
It totalled you'll never be back'
These lines are truly superb.
well not much I can say because it's all been said so I'll just join the club and say well done
But you can not have the repeated lines in the chorus remember only 2 lines for the chorus .
but just ignore me :D
Cheers
L.K
:arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
I think most folks can relate to this in some way, this would be a good country song! I can see the stones doing this one. i like this alot, the only thing i might do is extend the chorus a few more lines(after this week is over,lol)-the dog
