Well, I'll I have to say is practice makes perfect, I look forward to hearing any input, please do not hesitate to make a comment, good or bad!
'Grim Suspision'
V
i can't stop glancing
over my shoulder into the dark
I've stopped breathing
to listen for a paranoia inside
C
another cryogenic feeling
consumes a grim suspision
V
i can't seem to find my way
so i look behind once more
and again am led a stray
in my own problematic puzzle
C
another cryogenic feeling
consumes a grim suspision
V
i can't even find
what I was looking for
i have no one to look to
lost in a paralyzed confusion
C
another cryogenic feeling
consumes a grim suspision
Hey xposed,
havent read any of your stuff before, and this is not bad.
To turn this into a song, it would probably be easier for you if you had the same structure (number/length of lines) in each of the verses.
ie the first verse could be something like;
i can't stop glancing
over my shoulder into the dark
stopped breathing to to listen for
this paranoia that lies inside
the last verse, you could quite easily put the first 2 lines together
the chorus is interest, i especially like the term 'cryogenic feeling', a new ineteresting way to put a familiar idea, nice stuff.
look forward to reading more of your stuff
thanks
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
Thanks for the input Sozay, I hope I can gain some new found expression in my writing through your advice! I have edited to reflect some symmetry in light of your words.
hi.
as you're talking about the structure.. I can't quite explain it but as I read the first verse it felt like it should be like this:
I can't stop glancing
over my shoulder into the dark
I've stopped breathing
to listen for a(n inner/secret/innate/...) paranoia
would make a nice ABAB.. but then your other verses are different. just a feeling I had. ..and songs don't have to follow a certain structure anyway(but I discovered that at least for me those with a structure are easier to turn into music..but also a bit more plain/boring).
I like this piece. (1st verse and chorus are my faves)
well done.
cheers,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
'cryogenic feeling'is indeed a really good way of describing it. Love that line.
Generally I like it. I can't help but feel it would be nice to have more about what's giving you this feeling - not something really obvious but just a further hint. But that's your call.
Well done!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
Thanks so much for the comments!
gjbrake, can you give me an example of something that it makes you think of?
Or is it SO ambigious that you can't adopt it in your own sense?
