SSG3 week 2 - Ja'mir

Jamir,

This is really quite good! Although it may not seem to be pulling together for you, it's a remarkably poignant piece of writing. Honestly, I think all it needs at this point is a chorus to tie everything in.
It seems to me that it'll be tricky trying to come up with something that organizes the notion of disorganization., but something along the lines of how the picture evokes a maelstrom of thoughts / emotions / memories. Like you've done with the verses, but more concise. I really don't feel as though I should be suggesting anything to you regarding songwriting, but that's just what I see here regarding the structure. A good chorus would round this off very well, and you'd be happy with it, I think. If I manage to think of anything in terms of an outline of ideas or anything, I'll let you know.

-- Scratch 8)

Ta Scratch,

I wanted to bring in the line about

With finger tip I kiss your mouth and trace the dimple on your cheek

or something similar into a chorus, as it is something many people can connect with, or is it just me who kisses their finger and puts it on the lips of the person in the photo :oops:

Ja'mir

..., or is it just me who kisses their finger and puts it on the lips of the person in the photo :oops:
Yeah,... umm... I'm not a good one to judge the prevalence of such a practice. But it's a wonderful line, the one that follows, I think might be strengthened a bit:

"Your image burnt into memory from your head down to your feet "
or
Sometimes I close my eyes and find, you're still here with me.

Or something along that vein. I dunno. Maybe that verse could be the chorus, with only slight modifications. You start each verse with "A photograph of jumbled thoughts", and so the chorus ought to distill that idea some. Doesn't it just gnaw at you when something is really good but unfinished? I'll keep on this for a bit and let you know if anything gels. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be writing software. (without choruses :cry: )

-- Scratch 8)

Hey Ja'mir,

How do you feel about this (or something close to this) for a possible chorus?

A picture's worth a thousand words
but none of them make sense.
I've a thousand perfect memories
of things we did back then.
Still I don't know why you left so soon,
why you couldn't stay.
A picture's worth a thousand words,
but there's nothing left to say.

-- Scratch 8)

i think this need some photography jokes in it..

why are we just paper scraps in boxes? heaven knows.
i feel so over-exposed!!!

Thanks Scratch,
Let me play around with what you've given me, it sort of conveys the person got up and left thought and what happened was he died !!!!!

geoffrey

Sorry but considering the subject matter, I don't appreciate the joke

Go well
Ja'mir

it sort of conveys the person got up and left thought and what happened was he died !!!!!
Well, I thought you conveyed that pretty clearly in the verses, so I left it more generalized. But you'll come up with something grand for it in any event. My hope was to just kinda help get the wheels turning, as it were. I'll be eager to see how you finish this one.

-- Scratch 8)

WOW this is really good man
I am truely learning from reading material like this and thank you for posting it .
I am now starting to believe that one must capture the moment an I believe in tis material you have .

cheers :D :D :D :D :D

I think this is an excellent expression of a picture of a lost friend or loved one. I've exprienced the loss of a few close friends and loved ones and I don't think I could have expressed any picture as beautifully as you did!