SSG5 week 15 I remember

Hi Jamir,

lovely song, and well written IMO

cheers

Paul

Nice work jamir

I agree with Pbee

Trevor

OOOOOH - i think you've got a good one here, Jamir!

I immediately got caught up in the rhythm of the song, I know your style of music by now so I can almost hear you singing and playing this - imagination's a wonderful thing!

I like the way you vary the last line of each verse......I just wonder.....if they could be even more varied?

"A helium balloon with a shimmering ribbon string
Rising in the breeze past the highest building
A note of love tied to its tail, letting you know
I remember

I watch with squinting eyes against the glaring sun
Think of your spirit weaving and darting with fun
Swooping high then low, teasing all who watched
and remembered"

can't pick fault (and that's what I'm doing, playing Devil's Advocate...) with "I remember" although in the second verse, it seems the tense you've chosen might suit "teasing all who watch" and "and remember".....

Third verse, it seems you're talking almost directly to another person....

"It brought back memories, when we were young
Riding on our bikes, full of laughter and fun
Growing up, and talking about our teenage friends
I remember"

......maybe here, the last couple of lines might be better as,

Growing up, and talking about the (or possibly omit the word "our" altogether, not replacing it....) teenage friends
We remember

"Still you stay in my view, it's nice having this chat with you
While you bounce around on a puff of air, a perfect view,
Of the sister you hadn't seen for so many years
and remember"

Maybe "but always remember".....making the point that you haven't seen each other, but still write, exchange birthday and Xmas cards?

"You're heat in the sun, the rustle in the leaves
The fragrance of the flowers and the tall strong trees
So I watch a balloon, floating on the gentle breeze
and remember

Now out of sight above the clouds, the balloon gone floating free
But you stay in my thoughts forever, you're a perfect memory
I know you'll be waiting, watching and talking to me
and we'll remember."

These two verses, it seemed to me, could be swapped around - that way the last verse (as it stands) could stay exactly as it is, ending with "and we'll remember".....then the previous verse, which would now be the last verse, could end

"So I watch a balloon, floating on the gentle breeze
and I remember....."

brings the song full circle, and the repetition of "I remember" from the first verse adds emphasis and brings closure.....

just my thoughts, anyway, I hope you're going to record this, I'd love to hear it.....

:D :D :D

Vic