The New Guys 1st try: Somebody like you

hello lever&welcome:)

I don't know how to say it...don't wanna offend you(especially when my stuff isn't that great either)
ok, let's put it this way: I like the line "somebody like you here"
but in my opinion your song is a very simple one and I like things to be a bit more paraphrased or bizarre even...it is a good song if you want to go for the simple lovesong thing...man, I dunno...it's just what I think.
maybe the choruses could stay as they are, if only the verses wouldn't be so obvious, maybe try to work on them?

maybe something like this:

the snow has dressed
naked trees in white
and the only thing missing
is you here tonight
but the fire is burning
holes in my heart
and I'm waiting for your laugh in the wind
and I'm waiting for this storyteller to start

this is not really good...but my attempt on this;)
if you don't want to change anything it's alright, just my suggestion.

don't give up on this.
bluenightangel

Hey Lever,

I'd like to second what bluenightangel said. You have an excellent framework for a song here, but it needs to be fleshed out a bit. You're telling us about it, but we're not feeling it. It's almost as though you're detached from the situation, and describing it as a dis-interested observer.

I don't want to sound totally negative, because like I said, it's a good beginning. You can fluff-up the imagery some, bna's suggestion of the "...snow dressing naked trees in white..." is a good example. You also could describe what the waiting is like, so we understand the longing you're trying to express. As it is now, it doesn't seem very different from waiting for a bus.

In this verse:

I've waited forever
and I'll wait even more
for a girl like you to come
and knock on my door
but now your here with me ...

2 things:
1. if now she's here with you, why will you wait even more? I think the waiting would be over by now.
2. "for a girl like you" -- girls don't like that kind of talk, it can't be a girl "like" her, it has to be her. She's it, dude, the ONE and ONLY, the whole reason you've been waiting and longing lo these many years, the pinnacle, and personification of human perfection itself, all wrapped up in this exquisite package etc...
(sorry, got carried away...)

And lastly,
"I'll come to know harm"

I think this is probably the exact opposite of what you meant. Spell checkers are wonderful, but nothing beats a thorough second read-through.

Now that you probably feel like I've totally trashed your song, (which is not my intent) let me encourage you, as bluenight said, don't give up on this. re-work it, and build it up. There's a great deal to work with here and I think you have a wonderful basis for a good song here. Hope to read more from you.

-- Scratch 8)

Hey,
thanks for your suggestions. I'm new to this whole thing and I see where improvment is needed. just to elaborate.

1. don't always go straight to my point.
3. feel the words more because if I seem uninterested. the audience will too.
4. Try and make the girls listening seem like it's just for them.

Thank you again.

One thing that struck me as being really great about this song was it's simplicity.

You might not know why he wants "her" over another woman that could provide the basic Love, Caring, etc that he desires - but maybe it doesn't get much more specific for him than that.

I agree with the previous posters in that you *could* give us a little more detail. Maybe even a couple more verses that explain more about who the woman is. What's she look like? How does she make you feel when she walks into a room? Her eyes, hair, lips, curves, nails, legs, smile, sarcasm, etc.

Great songs are built from good foundations.

I hope to read more from you - and maybe a revision of this song in the future wouldn't hurt. Think over the reviews and come back to it fresh in a couple days.

ok, lets see how this is.
I do have to say you guys are putting me in a creative mood so I had to get home and work on the song... thank you
heres my revision including a new verse which gives you guys idea of the features of the girl that makes her stick out. and is the most attractive in my mind.
I kept the Chorus the same because, although you guys think it could be better. my people at home think it kind of makes the song it's own. so I'm gonna keep it. oh well hope this is better.

The snow is falling
As it glimmers in the light
And the only thing missing
Are you here tonight
But the fire is burning
Burning holes in my heart
And I'm waiting your travels to end
So our love can finally start.

Chorus
Cause all I wanted was somebody to talk to
All I wanted was somebody who cares
All I wanted is somebody who loves
All I wanted was somebody like you here

With hair like a ravens
A striking crimson black
I find myself thinking
“Just go get her back”

Now I imagine
My hands on your hips
Swaying back and fourth to the music
And the sweet taste of your lips

Chorus

And now you're here with me
Laying in my arms
Finally being
Graced by your presence
And amerced in your charm

I'm finally happy
finally at peace
Now that you are laying beside me
I can finally go to sleep

All I wanted
All I wanted
All I wanted was somebody like you
Here…

Hey guys. just wanted to give you a warning. I plan on having atleast one typo in the lyrics per post.

like my last post. 1st verse. "Are you here tonight" should be "is you here tonight" sorry. didn't mean but sometimes spell checkers aren't the best for correcting lyrics. anyways just wanted to clear that up.

Hi Lever,

You're gonna hate me. I'm not obnoxious,... really. There are a few things though, that I think you might consider on this revision. First, let me say that the revised version is much better than the initial post. And you did provide us with a bit more detail. Now we know she has black hair. (at least, I think she does.) I think you're too fond of similes where metaphors might serve you better. consider:

"With hair like a ravens
A striking crimson black "

Initially, I'm thinking that ravens in Maine have hair, or this girl has feathers. I know that's absurd, but by simply saying something like:

With raven hair,
or
with raven black hair,

or some such, you make your point very clearly, and open another line for something other than her hair. And the second line of that exerpt:

A striking crimson black.

Crimson isn't black. It's red. So.. does she have reddish-black hair? Or blackish-red hair? Ravens don't.

So your imagery is improving, but be consistent with it. Also be consistent with your tenses, in the chorus you say
All I wanted was....
All I wanted is....
All I wanted was....
flip-flopping from past to present to past.

And so maybe you won't think me a total jerk, let me end with this...
As Shawn noted, the simplicity of the song is really very nice, it's one of the things that makes it so good. Also, your sincerety comes through crystal clear, and if your "people" like the chorus, by all means keep it, (assuming that you also like it). It is after all, your song. The things I mentioned are things that I think would help to polish it up a bit. Not meant to taken as tearing it apart.

-- Scratch 8)

hey lever.

so you've worked on it;)

the revision is definitely much better.
the first two lines are nice;)
"Swaying back and fourth to the music
And the sweet taste of your lips " =>that's good, too

but the thing I like most is this:

"Finally being
Graced by your presence
And amerced in your charm" that's really great :lol:

as for what scratch pointed out...
I gotta say this:
"With hair like a ravens
A striking crimson black "
sounds damn good in my ears! ...yet scratch is right about the feathers(but that would never have come to my mind) and crimson is not black(that is the thing is was going to ask you, too). without the raven in the first line the crimson black might be kept though, I think.

still some little things you could work on but overall a nice sincere song. well done.
bluenightangel

Simple and I like it.

Naturally, however, improvements can be made. I think the revised lyric is better but true to form one or two things got me.

First is the aforementioned raven. Now I don't doubt that a song about a red-black raven with hair would make for very interesting listening but let's not go their or we'll be writing about naked molerats next week. Anyway I agree with Scratch as goes amending the problem.

Another thing that I think you should change is a good tip that you should try and use in all of your writing, therefore because it is a good tip it is obviously someone elses and not mine. Nick always used to tell me and many others this. What you should do is show not tell. It helps the listener/reader get more absorbed by your lyrics - puts them in that time and place.

I will elaborate.

In the opening bit:
The snow is falling

Now how exactly is it falling? What does it remind you of? What does it look like covering the ground you walk on? how does it feel underfoot? How does it feel in your hand?

I like you way you say it glimmers in the light that gives you a vivid image immeadiately. The sun shining through the glistening snowflakes as they dance towards the ground. Pretty picture.

Just use imagery and show us the picture rather than telling the story.

Another thing is that in this song there is a longing, a pain, an emptiness of sorts. This man is cold without his true love. There is definately some opportunity to link in the weather outside with this guys feeling. Snow and ice is bothy deeply romantic as well as being desolate, dangerous and gives a feeling of complete isolation.

Use it to say how alone he is - is he the same as that solitary snowflake tumbling, being swept this way and that never knowing where he will end up?

You can also use the weather as a positive thing - while he is lying on that bed watching the snow drift down can he imagine himself and her dancing the same way that two little snowflakes seem to be as they drift to the floor?

Obviously don't overdo the snowflake thing but link things together - it gives the song a common theme which will help it flow.

Also check the meter/rhythm when read it seems a little out at places, it may be fine with the music but it's just something I noticed.

Anyway it's a nice simple song which with some work could be really good. Keep working on it as it's a great happy ending love song and I like them - they make me happy. Which is good.

Happy writing,

Pete. :)

First of all, I would like to just say that I would love to hear a song about a red-black raven with hair. P_Allen that actually made me laugh out loud.

I would definately build on the snow/cold theme some more

just an idea...

The snow is falling
As it glimmers in the light
the flakes search out new ground
Wonder where you are tonight

I really like where you are going with this.

hey lever,

first let me say i like the revised version of this song. i have a few things to comment about.

i agree with the previous comments made.

there is a part of the song that doesn't sit well with me here.
"And I'm waiting your travels to end
So our love can finally start. "

the confusing part for me is the "finally start" part. so you are waiting for this person to come home so you can start loving her, or so a love relationship can start? so is this girl someone you already know and have been with, or is she just any woman that you are waiting for?

someone else mentioned tense. and i have to agree that there is an inconsistancy in the tense. you start off saying snow is falling and fire is burning but then you go in the chorus to say all you wanted. you go from talking in the now to talking in the past. i don't see where there is a reason for the tense change. at the end of the song i can understand the tense change since you now have the girl you can say that you wanted, since you don't have the yearing any more.

i am not sure if this is the case but from what i gather in the revison you were trying so hard to change the metaphores and adding better description that the story got a little lost. you skip from thinking about getting her back, to imagining her with you, to all the sudden her with you.

i do like the simplicity of the song. there is good frame work here. for a first song, feel good about how well it turned out. i don't even like to show people my first song i wrote. the last 2 verses are great, i like how you ended the song. wonderful how you did the happy ending. one little thing is the "somebody like you" line. i am not sure how to change it but it needs to be more direct or personal, not sure exactly how to word what i mean. hopefully you get the jist.

keep up the good work. just think with every new song you write you will get better. look forward to reading more.

-CheapThrill