week 17 Who are they with MP3

it must be worse then I thought

18 views not ont one reply

question remains to be answered

"How am I ever going to improve if no-one has the courage to speak their mind on my work , hey if it's that bad tell me so I can improve ?"

Silence is golden but don't !@#$%^ help me any

LOL Hey Hilch.. Dont take it personal.. Probly just 17 other people like me that have time to read but dont quite have the time to respond in detail just yet.

They'll get around to it, and so will I.

Citiquing takes a little more brain power than just normal ol posting.

Write more about it later.

Geoo

OK well I'll be the first reply......

Well no-one can ever accuse you of going at it half-heartedly....sounds like you put everything in to this....the voice was wobbling a little bit at the end.....

Nice guitar, nothing fancy but there in the right places playing the right chords.....

Where it does fall down a little is lyrically - you really need to expand your vocabulary, use similes, antonyms and so on - you really need more imagery....

But for someone who's only written a handful of songs, you're moving in the right direction.....

1 - You've managed to put a decent tune to it, ie a recognisable riff, that doesn't sound like it was pinched from anywhere else

2 - You've managed to create a song from an off-the-cuff remark.....

3 - You've managed to get the whole point of the song across by your slightly tortured vocals - you put so much into it, after 20 goes it's no wonder the voice was slightly wobbly at the end

All I'd say is, capitalise on your strong points - flair for melody and a riff, decent voice with a goodly amount of soul.....and work on your weaknesses - lack of vocabulary. lack of imagery....

You've got a fairly decent song here, it's listenable, and I could probably stand to listen to it a few more times.....but if you're going to write songs, don't forget you have to be fluent in English as well as chords.....

I might have pitched that a bit harshly, if so I apologise - but hey that's what critics are for - to criticise - hopefully it's constructive rather than destructive.....

:D :D :D

Vic

(and oh yes - I've had weeks where I've written a song, thought it was a good one, waited for the replies to flood in.....they didn't......it happens to all of us, might as well get used to it!)

Hilch,

They must be the same 18 people who read
my post and did not respond. :lol:

Oh Well ! Life goes on.

Actually I've been known to read a post 3 or 4 times
and somehow never get around to responding.

I like this! It sounds very much like Tom Waits

I agree with Vic on all points but one.

In the long run it wouldn't hurt any of us to improve
our vocabulary but here I think the simple works best.

To me this song comes across as raw
emotion. That's what I like best about it.

Great take on the assignment

Anyways our pet Zebra Finches loved the birds.

They got very excited when they heard them.

Keep it up

John

Hey Hilch

Told ya I would respond. Kids homework done, dinner served, ex wench picked em up. Life is grand.

OK. What I love about this song is the rawness and emotion. You can feel the passion of the man looking at his photos of his beautiful wife and dreaming about their past.

However on this part
A dust covered photograpgh hanging in the hallway
He's got hair hanging down
She's smiling Oh she's smiling
I don't see any frown

I feel like it would have been better to say
A dust covered photograpgh hanging in the hallway
He's got hair hanging down
She's smiling Oh she's smiling
In her white silky gown (or pretty gown)

Cause when I read it I was thinking, why would she be frowning? Is it just a "filler" word? No offence at all, cause to be quite frank we all do that time to time.

I felt like this song could be elaborated on too. Maybe thinking back to the feeling of that day. To the feeling of excitment. Maybe, more detail of the wedding or reception. But then it wouldnt make it the raw song that it is, so I am not sure.

Sorry it took so long to respond. Keep up the songwriting.

Geoo

PS Honestly, I thought your vocals were terrific for this song.

Thanks everyone

Will work on the imagery a little harder from now on .....

Sorry about my 2nd post here was just a bit too excited about this as I thought it was pretty darn good .

I'll start from the end and work my way to Vic ( if no-one objects ?)

Geoo- the frown ( mate I'm married to the same woman for over 20 years frowns are what I get on a hourly basis )-but will work on the more details in future ( thanks Geoo)

The Celt - you know I never knew who Tom Waits was until recently I had a conversation with Nick . The birds ( bugger) I recorded this about 20 times and you can bet every recording had those birds in it ..so in the end they won birds 1 hilch 0

Vic - "you really need to expand your vocabulary, use similes, antonyms and so on - you really need more imagery.... " Thanks mate needed that from now on will work harder on this ..

Not pinched but borrowed a bit one might say mmm but they are just chords no-one owns them ( right ?)
capo on 1st fret Open D-A-and I think it's called ASus 9 ( not real sure )
But I know how to play it :lol: :o

Vic no not harsh - honest and that's what I like honesty so I know where I'm going wrong .

Once again thank-you all for helping me improve

Hilch :?:

Ahh Hilch, me old cobber,
So it was your page that I looked at 18 times (just joking).
This is great work here, it is raw and that's its charm. But I do agree with Vic, you've got to expand your vocabulary, Minimalism his harder to pull of than you might think, at least that's been my experience. I loved the vocals by the way real emotion in there, great to hear. If I could offer one thing it would be that I think the song could improve if your chorus used a different chord progression to the verses just to create a bit of contrast. And this line
I don't see any frown
Just borrowing from geoo you could use
In her pretty wedding gown.

Well birds might be a problem for you but I have to deal with Cicada's, if its a fine day and I want to record, they make an absolute racket out there, so I have to close all the doors and windows then I roast from the heat :roll: .

Well done

cheers

Paul

Thanks paul

One question now begs to be asked , Do I post the lyrics on the song I have written then alter it if need be then record it ?

I am what one might call a writters virgin ( can I say that ?)
But I'm sure everyone understands what I mean ..

Step 1) -Idea from Bob

Step 2)- Put idea into my life ( some how )

step 3) -Write a rough draft of whats going around in head

Step 4)- Finalise lyrics

Step 5 )- Post Lyrics

Step 6) - wait for replies and alter if required

Step 7) - Record song

Step 8) Post Recording

Step 9) wait for other G N members lawyers to send defimation suits for hearing loss .. :lol: :lol:

Have I covered everything ?

Hilch :?:

sorry about that out burst a bit embarrassed
( very excited I think it rocks )
I maybe biased

You call 4 songs being a "writters virgin." :lol: I've wrote some songs, but no music to go with any yet.

The Bob Dylan influence is strong with you Hilch.

It's hard for me to add anything more to what has already been said. The audio is still one of my main concerns though. I don't if anything you do can help it or not. It would be great to hear you and the guitar clearly.

thanks

Yeah recording still learning , when to have mic up / where to have mic

that sort of thing

but thanks mate