Guns-a-Blazin'
The dusk turned into dawn.
The dark became red light.
His shadow aproached
and was ready to fight.
I saw the fearless in his walk.
I saw the faith in his eyes.
I had my trust put into him.
But I couldn't help to ask him why.
I asked him, "How can you be so confident in yourself?"
He said, "I really have nothing else left."
He doesn't know what kind of turn his fate will take.
I only wish I had that kind of faith.
With a dead stare now.
He looks at his enemy.
The sun beats down.
And forms shadows on everything.
He says his last words.
Visualizes his win.
It's a shame he doesn't know
his enemy has the same for him.
I asked him, "How can you be so confident in yourself?"
He said, "I really have nothing else left."
He doesn't know what kind of turn his fate will take.
I only wish I had that kind of faith.
The turn for the worst is thinking you've won.
The mistake that was made can't be worse of one.
The shot was too quick and the pain was too real.
He couldn't even care because he couldn't even feel.
On my knees and asking, "Why were you so confident?"
Hoping he will reply, "I have nothing else left."
He could have lived for me.
He could have lived for us.
This damn turn his fate did take.
Now how the hell am I going to regain my faith?
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
This evokes memories of all those westerns where the hero ends up in a gunfight at the very end....
Needs a couple of minor alterations here and there to my mind, though, just to help the flow of the song....if I may be so bold?
"I saw the fearless in his walk" ....I'd change this to "I saw no fear in his walk"....better grammar.....and the next line, "I saw the faith in his eyes" - I'd change that to "I saw no doubt in his eyes"...simply because you're using the faith theme as a kind of recurring motif throughout the choruses (I love the way you change it round at the end of the song though!!!! Clever!!!) so the word "Faith" looks out of place....or overused....if you use it in a verse as well....
The last line of the second verse, "His enemy has the same for him"...struck me as a little forced....maybe "what's in store for him" would work a little better....
All in all, this is s really good first draft....a few minor alterations, it could be excellent...and of course, you don't have to take my suggestions as gospel, you can probably come up with something better....these were just quick first impressions off the top of my head....
Nice job!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Pierson,
Good song.
I think Vic pretty much said it all although I do have a slightly
different take on some of the suggestions he made.
"I saw the fearless in his walk" to "I saw the fearless way he walked"
"I saw the faith in his eyes" to "I saw the steel in his eyes"
Not that I disagree with Vic's suggestions This it just what I thought as I was reading through. Just one mans opinion do with it what you will.
I think these two lines are particular stand outs:
The shot was too quick and the pain was too real.
He couldn't even care because he couldn't even feel
That's just good writing.
Celt
hey thanks guys. I'll try to tweak it a bit and put it back out. Your advise does improve the song. I really like "I saw the steel in his eyes." I might use it or get some motive from it.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
