here's my song for this week. please critique.
[verse]
the sun is dawning red
my bullets are all but spent
the vultures can smell their prey
my sweat has turned all thick
i hear the whispers of the dead
the damned prepares my grave
[chorus]
this is how it goes
my life on the holster
six shots from the barrel
el diablo here i go
[verse]
men has fallen real hard
my six shooter in my sights
the devil in me has come
'm the last man standing
my cigars tastes of blood
now i lay in the dust
That's killer. I had a mudvayne toon stuck in my head when I was reading it. "the devil in me has come","my cigars tastes of blood
now i lay in the dust","el diablo here i go". these were my favorite lines.
Keep it up!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
unusual, but I like it ..... possibly the first song since Marty Robbins' "El Paso" where the narrator dies....
you might want to tidy up the grammar a little...."men HAVE fallen real hard".....and if I can make a suggestion, while your song doesn't follow a standard rhyming pattern, maybe change "the devil in me has come" to "the devil in me is loose"......
and possibly follow up the line "men have fallen real hard" with "in my six-shooter's sights.....
only a couple of minor tweaks, that's all it really needs.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Constantine
Welcome and Good Song
Seem that every posting I've read today I've followed Vic on the thread.
So all I can say is the man gives good advice.
Fix the grammar give it a little "tweak" and this will go from good to great.
Looking forward to seeing more in the future
Celt
