This one gives me kinda of a Leonard Cohen vibe.. So I went with it to expand on the story and who exactly this mystery character (entity?) is....
Hope ya like it.
(verse 1 curtesy of Olav, Bluenightangel and ATB)
The night has sunken all around
still a lantern lights a path.
To a place hidden deep within
where I respite this mask.
Flowers rot underneath my feet
Death lives in the footsteps I leave
Concealed in a cloak of confidence
Your world I seek to deceive
(verse 2)
And the moon shines line a beacon now
To contrast the darkened days
I walk proudly in the sunlight
That once drove me away
The seeds of a sick and angry world
Sewn by these cold and twisted hands
The serpent speaks through a TV set
The wolf walks among the lambs
(ending)
And I see ragged men carrying signs
And looking to the sky
"The end is nigh! The end is nigh!"
And my friend..
They're right.
-Marv
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Marv
You drove this one in a totally different direction than I had anticipated when I started, but you sure did an awesome job.
The only thing that made me stumble a little is the first line. Not sure if there is anything you can do there though. I dont have a good suggestion
Blessings. Olav
Hey Marv,
Well Done!
I don't have a problem with the first line, it seems to fit well. The only line I don't really care for, is "where I respite this mask." Respite is a noun, not a verb, and it's awkward to use it as a verb. As I read somewhere else, I can't remember where -- "Verbing weirds the language." You might try:
"To a place hidden deep within,
I take respite from this mask"
Pretty nit-picky I guess, but excellent work.
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Actually from this definition it seems it can be a verb.. though the usage may still be a bit off... sort of a moot point as it isnt my line to change hehe.
Respite (Res"pite), v. t.
[imp. & p. p. Respited; p. pr. & vb. n. Respiting.]
[OF. respiter, LL. respectare. See Respite, n.]
To give or grant a respite to. Specifically: (a) To delay or postpone; to put off. (b) To keep back from execution; to reprieve. "Forty days longer we do respite you." Shak. (c) To relieve by a pause or interval of rest. "To respite his day labor with repast." Milton.
its fun to nit-pick sometimes.
-Marv
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Well, I'm certainly not going to argue with the dictionary, but it's still awkward. Nevertheless, I'm not one to quibble with the likes of Shakespeare or Milton with reagards to linguistic matters.
I know it wasn't your line, but I always feel like I'm not working at it hard enough if I can't find something to improve, even just a little. Who's line is it, anwyway? Olav?, Bluenightangel?, ATB?
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
I do believe that line belongs to Olav.
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Scratch.
Actually, the usage of the word respite is my doing, and yes you are right it is not correct grammar. Your suggestion works well and it says what I wanted it to say.
Thanks.
Blessings. Olav
Duh.
So what did I want it to say?
Rhymezone.com gives it this definition
Respite:
Noun: a (temporary) relief from harm or discomfort
As in getting relief from the burden of being someone he is not. That’s what I was trying to say, although the grammar was not quite right.
Thanks guys
Blessings.
Olav
Well.. that's three of us that use rhymezone that I know of.
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
I LOVE Rhymezone. It's golden.
Olav, your meaning rang through clear as a bell. It was just the way the line was structured that threw me a bit. And additionally, it's a terrific word, fits very well in this context. I just wasn't accustomed to seeing it used as a verb. But as I said originally, it's very nit-picky on my part. However, I'll probably continue to be nit-picky on your posts as well as Marvs, now that I know that you hail from (close enough to) my homeland. :)
So no worries, Olav, the meaning was clear and the word was / is good. Just a matter of re-ordering.
Best,
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Marv...you really take me by surprise every time I read some of your stuff, you're great :D
I adore Leonard Cohen, so how could I not love what you made with it?
It's stunning...thank you.
I walk proudly in the sunlight
That once drove me away is cool...kinda like a vampire;)
and the ending, yay,and just everything.you're so talented.
I can feel this.
oh and I just listen to your "everything's eventual"...so you even got a beautiful voice, too*littlejealous*, no I like it when voices are not 'smooth'and so on but rather rosty(?), hoarse and always like close to breaking(kind of reminds me of my beloved Conor Oberst)...ah I'm sure you know what I mean...emotion is carried through the tongue
but I wanted to say something about your song...maybe you remember that I was dying to hear the bridge which I loved from the beginning- it turned out awesome, real emotional I'm touched.
also I like the music...and the way you slightly change the rhythm in the 3rd line of the chorus...argh I want to be able to do that too...the way your lyrics rhyme although they sometimes don't really seem to when you just read them...oh and I like the 'hover over' thing:)
alright, thanks for sharing this with us.
I take a bow.
bluenightangel
