It's been a long time and I'm a bit rusty. Hopefully I will have another in two weeks time. Let me know what you think.
Violence explodes in the street
Their target goes down
The shock of steel toes
Happens everyday in this town
The assault is fast
It's a survival instinct
This is what happens
When men are pushed to the brink
The flurries of fists
The necessity of this
To break down and fight
'And if you tell yourself it's easy,
you may even find it is
Violence explodes in the street
While a crowd gathers 'round
Frozen in time and thought
Watching the horror go down
The watchers are blank
Cowardice coincides with terror
But the spark ignites
A man wakes up in fervor
The flurries of fists
The necessity of this
To stand up and fight
'And if you tell yourself it's easy,
you may even find it is
You've got a good set of lyrics here drunkrock
The verses are fine, I really like the phrase
The watchers are blank
Cowardice coincides with terror
My only quibble is that I feel the chorus should have a more closing end on it
Perhaps something like:
The flurries of fists
The necessity of this
To break down and fight
'And if you tell yourself it's easy,
you may even find it is
To stand alone, defend yourself
With the flurry of your fists
Just my 0.02 cents :)
Pete
ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"
Hey DR,
I like the overall feel of it, and there are some nice vivid (if not disturbing in a good way) images that leap out and give the words life.
I really like your use of the "catch phrase" here, as well as the subtle difference between your two choruses (going from breaking down and fighting to standing up and fighting).
I am bothered by some of the words though. Your first line "Violence Explodes in the Street" evokes mental pictures of terrorist attacks, or bombs exploding, or something much worse than the fisticuffs that are the topic of the song. The second line "Their target goes down" then makes me think of someone getting shot in a drive-by or something. But then the "shock of steel toes" evokes thoughts of someone being kicked, so now I'm thinking it's not terrorism or gang shootings but some beating going on. By now my brain is confused and I'm not sure what the song is about.
I think it would make the song stronger if you reworked some of the words to elicit images which fit your theme, and clarify it at the same time. This will help draw the listener in and keep his attention.
My only other beef is the rhyming of terror and fervor. It seems awkward.
All in all, nice work. We all have to knock off the rust on occasion.
Doug
Well done Doug
I like the way you used that line Bob gave us ..
fervor I m not too sure but should that not be Fever ?
Good writting here
Trev
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Lot of good use of imagery D.R……..You gotta stay off the coffee at night!!!!! ;) Dough has a good point. I was thinking terrorist also in the beginning, but at the end I was leaning more towards a bunch of Red-necks in a bar fight. You may want to consider sticking with one of them. I do like the symbolism of the phrase line….my son is a Marine, and I know a lot of times this is what similar to what he has to tell himself…..so you touched on something I can relate to in your song….which is good.... and bad. Anyway, glad to see you back
Blessings. Olav
HI DR
Maybe this is my liberal senses coming to the fore here but I get images of a police state crackdown with this song, I guess it's in the listener's (or reader's) interpretation. Very powerful indeed .
I like Pete's suggestion of an additional line on the chorus and I think it works really well.
Good powerful imagery to match up with the subject matter.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Thanks for the feedback guys. I wish I had time to follow up on it properly, but I'm pretty busy. The points on vagueness and imagery will be taken to heart, and an addition chorus could be helpful.
