Youth is wasted on the young ones ( week 34 )

Hey Trevor,

I'm really impressed how you've been coming along with your writing! Gee, I guess if you tell yourself it's easy, you may find that it really is!
I like the sentiment of this song a lot. My only thought on this one is that IMO you need a transition verse. Something that bridges your memories of that old man and whatever happened to him. Maybe something expressing how you grew up and lost track of him.

Good work Trevor! You're, of course, going to record it for us soon, yes?

Neil

Hi Trev

I agree with Chefie, your writing is getting better all the time mate.

I love the song, but have two suggestions (take or leave them :) )

First, the change in rhyming scheme between verse 1 and 2 threw me a bit - AABB then ABAB - maybe keep to one type?

Perhaps:
When I was a younger man
I met a old guy alot older then I am
He used to play guitar and sing simple songs
Me and my mates would sit there and sing along

He would make up songs as he went along
Always a tale to tell , and we'd sing along
To space ships from the moon
With rockets firing, creating doom

Of course, if you wanted the change in ryhme then ignore me :P

My second point, you lose the rhyme at the end of the fourth verse - it looks like you're going for the 2nd and 4th lines to rhyme:
I don't know what ever happened
To that old music man
I'm sure his life wasn't easy
And he would have sang to the end

Could I offer:
I don't know what ever happened
To that old music man
I'm sure his life wasn't easy
But to the end he would have sang

I know technically it should be "sung" not "sang" but it's just an idea :D

Other than that, a solid piece here mate. And as you said so yourself;
Hey I posted a song , that got to be a good thing
Right you are!

Pete

Hi Trevor,

This is a nice bit of reflective writing. The old song man is a great topic and a song staple, and we all have stories of musicians who touched our lives when we were young, so the theme will strike a chord with lots of listeners.

The age old addage that youth is wasted on the young borders on cliche here, but I think you've managed to do something with it.

I agree with Pete's assessment of the rhyme scheme, though I do not agree with his suggestion to change the line

And he would have sang to the end
to
But to the end he would have sang

It is rare that singing like Yoda is warranted. I think Nick once said "if you wouldn't say it that way, don't sing it that way," or something like that. I would also correct the grammar to use "sung", as Pete mentions.

The word "along" gets almost overused here. You might want to change it up, unless you have a melody worked out which makes use of that repetition to help form a hook. And if that's the case, then the last verse needs to include it.

I also think that the subject of the song (the old guy) deserves to have a bit more of a picture painted. What did he look like when he sang his made up songs? What were the melodies like? Right now I've got some old guy with a guitar whose voice is crackly and knows two chords...but he's got no face. Was he all smiles when he sang? Or was he dead serious, almost to the point of comedy? Or did he have a poker face and you couldn't tell? Did he look at you while he sang? Did he do magical things with those two chords? Or were they just kind of there? Was he an example of someone who was young at heart? Or was he bitter about being old and having lost his youth?

I know it is hard to add a lot of detail without lengthening the song. But a few well placed images peppered in can really bring this guy to life for the listener and make the song more memorable.

Doug

Thanks guyes for the feed back

Neil : mmm I have the flu my singing is bad enough with out this dry old Voice I have at the present being . Maybe I ll have a go when things get better thanks ..

Pete: Thanks mate yeah I see what you mean cheers

Doug : I know what you talking about , probably my head isnt too clear at the moment from the flu ..

I am working on the syllabels in each verse this was pointed out to me by a member who thought it might have been too harsh ..Thank you ...you know who you are ...

thanks again
Trev

Hi Trev

Definitely agree with what was said in the other replies - consistency and development being the two key themes.

Definitely a good start and one worht working on here mate.

Keep em coming

Good stuff

Bob :wink: