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WEEK 35 NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB

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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

Hey everyone :D
this was a little hard to do this was my third go at but here it is i think maybe it should be a little on the heavy side ??

NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB

hey you whutcha gonna do
you say there ain't no work for you
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB WILL DO

sleepin in the park
no roof for you
ain't got no money
the ground will do
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU

you put out your hand to the workin man
can you spare some changes
he says your back is strong
were did you go wrong
that's the path you choose
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU

in the paper in the store
helpers wanted, work galore
you got no ambition
you say your in transition
that job will never do
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB WILL DO..........

mystic :D


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

It's a bit difficult to put a rhythm to this...

Two lines, title...four lines, title...five lines, title, five lines, title repeated twice....

If you can give us some sense of the structure, maybe it'd be a little easier to read....I can see where you're coming from with this, just can't fit it to a coherent rhythm...

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

hey vic :D

well lets see what i can do i got your drift .. and i think i have made a few changes that might help thanks for your input

NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB

heeey you...whutcha gonna do
you say there ain't no work for you
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB WILL DO

sleepin in the park no roof for you
ain't got no money the ground will do
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU

you put out your hand to the workin man
can you spare some change
he says your back is strong
were did you go wrong
that's the path you choose
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU

in the paper in the store
helpers wanted, work galore
you got no ambition
you say your in transition
that job will never do
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU

you put out your hand to the workin man
can you spare some change
he says your back is strong
were did you go wrong
that's the path you choose
heeey you...whutcha gonna do
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB FOR YOU
NO MINIMUM WAGE JOB WILL DO.......

mystic


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

reads a lot better now...to me anyway....originally your song looked to me like "right, I've got something to say, and I'm darn well going to say it loud....." - pouring out your frustrations onto paper, in a sort of stream-of-consciousness fashion....

Now it's a lot more focussed (that's the third time in the last couple of reviews I've used that word, but it seems to fit...) and a lot easier on the eye...

I can see the first two short verses sung (shouted!!!) over just a loud drumbeat, then loud guitar coming in for "You put out your hand to the working man".....

I like your point of view, and I like the way you put your point of view across....

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

thnx vic :D

i also think it reads much ! better still room for improvment but i like the way it's heading

mystic


   
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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
 

i liked this a lot, i like the repeat of the title at the end of each verse/chorus. It read like an anthem kind of song if that makes any sense!


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi mystic,

This is an interesting slant on the poverty theme. I think the rewrite is much better. For me what you have here is good in terms of painting the picture for us, I feel it could be improved even more by adding some stuff about, either why he or she doesn't want to work for the minimum wage or from the narrators perspective as to how society views our characters stand. Some black & white statement that makes me want to yell out “Yeah” or “Nah”. As it is though the song is still valid, good work :D .

pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

thnx for your input and i will keep workin on this one i kinda like and may have some potential (my husband even liked it) lololol......

thnx mystic


   
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