Week 35--"Couldn't Be Me" (First Post)

SfDean

Welcome to Guitarnoise and the SSG.

This is very good stuff. The general theme is excellent it reminds
me of a poem about nazism.
First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

Pastor Martin Niemöller

Similar sentiment

I think the B part is great! Yes it has a Christian slant but it doesn't
come off too preachy or a holier than thou kind of thing.

Sometimes the song and the characters decide the direction
of a song and we as writers just have speak the words for them.

I won't say much about meter because I don't know what
you have in mind musically and nothing stood out as I read it.

The one small correction that stands out for me would be on the lines:
Though I'm just a car
In a crosswalk away

This might read better as:

"Though I'm only a car
And a crosswalk away"

Just a thought.

Welcome again and I'm looking forward to more from you.

Good Stuff!

Celt

Thanks--and I like your fix for the line.

SfDean

Agree with Celt, sometimes the subject chooses itself....you seem to have all the bases covered here...

I had no trouble fitting a rhythm to this, I'm guessing though...verse / verse / bridge / verse.....flows nicely, good imagery....look forwqard to more from you!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi sfdean,

Welcome to the forum. Definitely go with the fixed lines.

Nice song, the hook works well and I do like the “Just” variant at the end.
If your worried about the Christian slant I think if you changed this line
A young carpenter said
To some thing like
Someone once said
That would give it more general appeal. It doesn't really matter who said it. It would also leave the measurement line open to interpretation, you might be measuring yourself at the end.

Nice job, look forward to some more :D .

pb

Thanks, Vic Lewis and pbee.

I like your fix, pbee, to make the song more general, while I could preserve the original lyric for the Christian market.

sfDean

WELCOME!!! :D

I have to say, I liked the christian touch to it. It gave it more personall meaning, I think. What I don't see is how much of a protest song is this? It has your thoughts, emotions, and opinions, but I think that it lacks something that should make it stand out as a protest song. It reads like a normal song to me (and a very good one). Anyways, I liked the song and I would love to see you post more and also give your critique in this forum. Keep it up!

P.S. Dont be afraid to post some songs in the guitarnoise songwriting club. No lessons, anything goes.

hey. im new here too :)

i love the first verse. the imaging and rhyming are great, and the last two lines make you think. very powerful.

the second verse is great too. i dont think its quite as strong as your first, but never the less, very good.

im not sure if the third part is a bridge or what, but its pretty cool. i dont like the flow between 'at the end when were measured, our hearts and our heads' i dont know, it just doesnt sound right. maybe try 'at the end when were measured, by our hearts and heads' i think it sounds more natural. also, this may just be a personal preference, but i think itd sound good if you said 'it comes down to how we treat, our brothers around us who have the least' but thats just an idea. obviously change 'he was talked to' to 'he was talking to' the ending for this is awesome. i especially like 'could it?' its like the turning point in the song.

the last verse is good. the beginning doesnt make too much sense. id change 'now thhey say were too stretched for the old safety nets' to 'is seems that now we torn and stretched, the fabrics of our safety nets' or something along those lines. oh man. your ending is amazing.
i wonder whos left to lend the hand they need?
it couldnt be me, could it? it couldnt just be me.
^ that really has power in it.
good job man, i really enjoy this. if you ever record it, post it because itd be cool to hear.

euge

Thanks, all, for the comments and suggestions. I have trouble writing protest songs unless (1) they're funny, or (2) they're personal, because I'm afraid ("there were no weapons of mass destruction") otherwise they come off too preachy and they don't convince anyone. But when I make it personal (a father describing why he still doesn't understand why his son died near Fallujah) it seems to work better for me, and (IMHO) it's harder to argue with (what father is going to think his son's early death made sense?) and easier to let in.

euge453, as you guessed, the third block of text is intended as the bridge (the song was intended as an AABA format, with the hook/repeated line at the end of each A section.) Generally, one doesn't use that same line at the end of the B section, which is supposed to be musically and lyrically a departure (in this case in time and to the new testament lines.) But, as someone said above, at some point the material takes over and dictates its own rules. As you point out, I should probably rework that "hearts and our heads" section to capture a little more closely the concept that it's deeds, and the test is how you treat "the least" of your fellow man.

Thanks again, all. I may finish putting this one to music, but that will probably take me a while. (I periodically write with a couple of different guys who are better at the musical composition end of co-writing--the songs come out more musically interesting--but this isn't right for either of them.) If I do, I'll let you know what it turned into.

SfDean.

SfDean,

I liked the carpenter line. Fit nicely with measurement reference. Hopefully you post the final results. Good job! G. :)