hey, im new here. this place seems like a great place for songwriters. a lot of other internet forums arent nearly has friendly looking as this one. my song is the sex pistols/clash punk style. tell me what you think. its not my first song, but im not very experienced.
edit- i rewrote the second and third verses, which i tried to put more imaging into. criticism would be appreciated.
Verse 1
the unforgiving streets becomes their bed
respectable people just turn their head
if youre not there now youve been there before
we need to save ourselves and save the poor
Chorus
calling out to the home of the brave
now we have the chance to save the day
calling out to the land of the free
lets make poverty, history
Verse 2
theres no way out once youre there
and dont expect anyone else to care
theyll think youre beggin to get stoned again
or they dont think theyve got the cash to lend
Chorus
Verse 3
johnny is a dad, living in his car
people tell him hes gotta golden heart
thats not worth much when youre out of luck
him and his victimized kids are stuck
Chorus
Verse 4
give what you can, an thats all we need
give in to love, give up your greed
do what you can, and sing it loud
well tear poverty to the ground
okay. haha, tell me what you think.
euge
Hey Euge, first of all welcome to Guitarnoise!!!
You say you're not very experienced at songwriting, that does show - this is a little simplistic and naive, and lacks imagery in places.......
BUT.........
There's a lot of good points....reading this in the style of the bands you mentioned, I can see exactly what you're aiming for....it's tightly focussed, it scans well, and it does get your point across.....the reader can feel your anger, and tell who your anger is focussed at...
All in all, a good effort....look forward to seeing more from you!!!!
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Welcome Euge
I have to agree with Vic on it being a little simplistic but I
also agree with his good points.
I like the chorus and verse 4 gives nice closure to the song.
I think verse 3 would work better as verse 1 . That way you introduce
Johnny and his kids right away and the other verses tell about what they are going through. This would draw the listener into the song by making
it more personal.
Looking forward to more.
Celt
