hullo!!
um this is a song i wrote a while ago... well its actually the edit of another one, but yes. im not sure if it has enough imagery but i just thought of it because it's kind of about a journey...
yeah!!
Escape
In the white garden of flowers
That is my foreign home
Your life the peace and power
That shows me alone
You have all the wisdom
Of the hurting world
You know every wrong turn
But your advice is curled
Is somebody watching me, in case I fall
Is anybody there to see me, through it all
If I keep walking
I will find my way
But only darkness
Is in my sight
In my mind
Control is now, my imagination
I need, an escape
In the light of shadows
Thoughts dillude all sense
Poison sand the wind blows
Is now a present tense
Lifting me downwards
As angels fall
Because the broken mirror shards
Ignore my screaming call
If I keep walking
I will find my way
But only darkness
Is in my sight
In my mind
Control is now, my imagination
I need, an escape
Upon that star, I c, I wish, if I may
To know the thoughts, I think, I feel, and want to say
Trapped in the dream of pain, fear of every day
A lifelines all I need to find me, or am I here to stay...?
you have plenty of imagery here... when i read it i really felt the imagery come to life.
If I keep walking
I will find my way
But only darkness
Is in my sight
In my mind
Control is now, my imagination
I need, an escape
its something everyone can relate to... sometimes i feel that i want to escape but i cant cuz its all dark and stuff
In the light of shadows
Thoughts dillude all sense
Poison sand the wind blows
Is now a present tense
Lifting me downwards
As angels fall
Because the broken mirror shards
Ignore my screaming call
i can feel the intensity of the imagery is this part... i dunno this whole thing i can just feel myself being part of the escape and everything... it feels real... well GOOD JOB ON IT!!! :) check out mine... "art of war"
Wow. Mary-Jane that was really good.
Hey MJ, this is very good. The first few times reading it, it all seemed pretty random, like you were just trying to write down as many poetic images, and reversals as you could. But after reading a few more times I could see the progression and structure. Good work.
The only line that really stood out to me that I would change is the "advice is curled" line. That really just seemed like a rhyme grab. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything better.
If you're looking for a chorus for the song, I think the two line part would work well to be repeated at the end.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Hi MJ,
Ive been sitting on this for little while now. Overall I think its very good, as XT says great imagery, but I have to admit that I have trouble with this verse
In the light of shadows
Thoughts dillude all sense
Poison sand the wind blows
Is now a present tense
Lifting me downwards
As angels fall
Because the broken mirror shards
Ignore my screaming call
Im still not sure what it means, but hey that's not a prerequisite for a good song. I get the feeling that this is verse is trying to verbalise inner thoughts in conflict, not an easy task by any means.
Good work MJ keep them coming :D .
pb
Hi Mary-Jane
I like this very much sure like mentioned there could be a little tweeking here and there but over all I think this very well written
well done
:wink:
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Mary-Jane
I think you are right on with the imagery.
Very Good!
Celt
hey!
wow! thanks everyone!!
um lets c... pbee the bit you werent sure about
In the light of shadows
Thoughts dillude all sense
Poison sand the wind blows
Is now a present tense
Lifting me downwards
As angels fall
Because the broken mirror shards
Ignore my screaming call
it basically means:
when your thoughts are dark you don't see sense and those poisonous thoughts are happening now. I'm getting pulled down, but because it would hurt you, ignore my cry for help.
um... yes, slowplay, you're right the "advice is curled" was really just for the rhyme... well the "curled" bit was... but twisted and messed up didn't really fit or sound as good... and it sort of has the same meaning...
but yeah! thanks everyone!!!!
cya!
mary-jane
