I Am Braving the Road Again

Hey PoeticSmile,

firstly welcome to this forum. There are some nice things about this song that I like, for example the structure C V V C V V C. And these lines:
Sparkles of scattering dust
Create an amazing fading sea
For me to leave inside my head

There are also some things that bother me, like the repeated use of “again” in the chorus, when its sung it might be ok but on the read I'm not so sure. I'm also having a little trouble with this verse, it feels a bit awkward to me.
Steam slowly rising
Up ahead as I forget the temperature
And smile at the reason
Why it's what I'm seeing
Maybe something like:

Steam slowly rising like a dream
And in my head I forget myself
Then smile as I recall the reason
Of why I'm here not where I've been

I've tried to stay true to your theme (I'm not sure I succeeded)

Good work :D

pb

I like your song. This part seemed a little awkward though....
Why it's what I'm seeing

Could you maybe say...

I smile at the reason
I'm seeing what I'm seeing

And I didn't quite get this...
Sparkles of scattering dust
Create an amazing fading sea
For me to leave inside my head
On my way past its bed

I actually kind of like it, I'm just not sure I get it.

Hey PoeSmi,

Glad you've joined us here at the SSG as well as the other Song Writers forum.

Good points by Pbee and Joe. I'll add that I think it's great that you never really talk about what you're leaving behind. It subtly hints at the fact that the singer is looking straight ahead, not looking behind. Good stuff. However, I think that what he sees ahead of him (or her), should hint at the story of what was left behind. Instead what you have in the verses is pretty cryptic. In fact it is cryptic to the point that I'm not sure if you know the story of what was left behind. But I'm being kinda harsh here; I'm sure you know the story you're telling, I'm just pointing out that its hard to interpret.

Lots of potential here, keep it up. Look forward to seeing your submission for next weeks assignment (or rewrites if you are so inclined).

heylo PoeticSmile!!
i really like your song, it's really good and like... positive!!
i thought these lines were awesome
Sparkles of scattering dust
Create an amazing fading sea

the one thing that i wasnt too sure about was this line
Up ahead as I forget the temperature
i just feel like the word "temperature" is a bit too long...
maybe something like "Up ahead as I forget the heat"...
but yeah! all up a really good song!
cya!!!

Thanks you all for the comments. I will be revising it.

You guys commented on this line:
Why it's what I'm seeing

I know what I'm trying to say. Sometimes it sounds great and clearly says that I want but then other times it seems confusing as hell. So that will defintely be one part I work on.

Then Joe said something about quite getting this part:
Sparkles of scattering dust
Create an amazing fading sea
For me to leave inside my head
On my way past its bed

It's like when your in desert or somewhere in the middle of nowhere and the dust is blown by the wind. Sometimes it is in large amounts forcing you cover your eyes or just a little bit, it fluctuates. So one moment it is this huge mass like a sea than it fades into almost nothing. I think it is so beautiful and want to keep it as a memory, and as I move away from it or the place which is essentially its bed, where it rests and lives and stuff.

I hope the revision makes it easier to understand. Once again, thanks for the comments.

"I am searching the sunrise again
I am braving the road again"

That had me reaching for the rucksack right away. :D Strong start. And I rather liked the two agains. Three might be a tad OT though. The second one seemed to strengthen the first, but the third seemed to somehow weaken the effect a bit. Just my first impression anyway.

Some nice bits of imagery, but the general pulse or rhythm of it seemed still a bit uneven in spots.

Definitely worth pressing on with. :D

sometimes using the same word over and over again is a good way to stress the image but the word "again" i feel is overly used... who know maybe when its sung out it might not be that bad... i agree with wut pbee said... check out mine... "art of war"

Here is the new version of this song. I rushed it so I'm not sure if it is better or not I kind of have mixed feelings.

I Am Braving the Road Again

I am searching the sunrise again
I am braving the road again
I'm walking away
With some aging boots
And an intuition to keep me afloat

A man made park
Grows beneath the love
Of a young couple
Laced together
Promising forever

I used to be him
Look at me now
I'm a broken story
I meant for to be told
But now I try to forget it was ever wrote

But the broadening horizon
Smoothes over my eyelids
I scribble descriptions across the map
I have no certain destination intact

Steam slowly rising
Up ahead as I forget the pictures
Left within my wallet
I dropped two miles south
I smile at the reason
My future is growing back

I am searching the sunrise again
I am braving the road again
I'm humming along a song
I forgot I knew
So this must be true

Speckles of scattering dust
Creates an amazing fading sea
For me to leave inside my head
On my way past its bed

I'm going to learn new names
Passing through their homes
I don't know where I'm going
But the sun is pointing me forward

I am searching the sunrise again
I am braving the road again
I'm humming along a song
I forgot I knew
So this must be true

PeoticSmile

Welcome to SSG :)

I like your song.

Good job on the rewrite.

I do kind of miss the repeated "agains" on the chorus I like that part.

Oh Well, You can't please all of the people all of the time

Celt