WEEK 40 "ME"

hilch,

Great first attempt
41 year old father of 3 and just starting to learn to play the guitar , now write songs ( oh my god mid life crises

Welcome to the club! I've been told it's not how long it took you to get there, but how you drove the horse!

I'd like to hear what and why you're stubborn as a mule, maybe you won't give the kids the keys to the car 'cause they ran it out of gas or can't buy your wife an anniversary ring 'cause you spent all your money on her teeth? lol, of course just kidding. But you get the idea. G. :D

thanks rocket and yeah I understand what your saying , stubborn as set in ways ? anyone know that I just like the things I like and no persuading can alter my mind . Once I make up my mind that s it it full steam ahead or not at all . Hope that clarrifies Rocket and yes she spends far too much but on clothes more than anything ( now I can spend $hit loads on guitars and amps and mics oooo the list goes on . :o
see ya :wink:

Sounds like a darn good start to me too. :)

Like Rocketgirl I'd like to see the story fleshed out a bit too, and a bit of tidying up of the metre (i.e. even out the rhythmic "dum da dum da dum" thing that you get from having the right number and arrangement of syllables in each line.

And I spotted six typos. :shock: The good news is that they were all the same typo - "Your" should be "You're". What a pedant I am. :roll:

Keep hammering away at it - good start. :D

Interesting point you have brought up Chris

your = possession

you're=you are

I'm not being a smart alec but isn't my stubboness is my possession ? there for I own it it's mine . Would not that make your rather than you are ?
please don't get me wrong I'm glad you pointed this out , but now I am thinking .
we are not talking a beautiful woman aka you are beautiful

rather my stubboness aka your stubborn ????

mmmmmmmmmm oh forget me like I said married with children lifes like that

hilch

Hilch,

For a first time songwriter this is pretty good.

I like the title but it would work better if you were to
change it to first person .

As in "I'm as stubborn as a mule"

The verse about the children bothers me a little
I'm sure you see them as more than something
that cramps your style and cuts into your drinking time.

I think you should expand on things on that verse
and prehaps the whole song so it gives us more emotion.

Example;

I love my daughters and my son
And this family life is fun
But I sure could use an old time drinking spree

I'm as stubborn as a mule
Sometimes I act like an old fool
It's time I learned to grow up
can't you see

I think you have a really good start and you
will get plenty of help here so you can mature as
a songwriter.

As far as " growing up" goes, I've got 9 years on you,
2 grown daughters, 3 grandsons, a lovely wife who
tolerates me but I still the words "grow up" far too often.

Celt

PS I read your comments in Bluenightangels thread.
Thank you for the compliments
I feel honored to be included with such a fine group of people.

Hey Hilch

Welcome old mate have seen you in Q&A lots of times , your first song rocks , the Celt nailed it on the head I love what he did with it please take advise from the very many gifted and talented people in here .

I would like to echo The Celts comments about what you said in
B A's thread

and I do believe Chris is right about your just for the record
Keep it up ( YOUR writting I mean )

Cheers
L.K :arrow:

your = possession

you're=you are

I'm not being a smart alec but isn't my stubboness is my possession ? there for I own it it's mine . Would not that make your rather than you are ?
please don't get me wrong I'm glad you pointed this out , but now I am thinking .
we are not talking a beautiful woman aka you are beautiful

rather my stubboness aka your stubborn ????

:D :D
You are stubborn aren't you mate! :D

Well, it could be "your stubbornness", but the word wasn't stubbornness, so it's still "you are stubborn" or "you're stubborn". Unquestionably true either way and, hey, it's your song so I say do it however it takes you fancy, eh. :wink:

hey;)

a fun song, eh? I like it, but would second lotto king's comment on taking advise from the celt, just a little expanding... would be great;)

to give you my two cents about "your stubborn"(if you still need them that is): to keep your as a possession thing you need to have a noun following (e.g. stubborness) but as you have an adjective "you're" would be better, anyway do as you like(when singing nobody will hear a difference anyway :wink: )

keep it up
cheers,
bluenightangel

Hey thanks everyone

The Celt wow man you got what I was trying to say wow impressive , and to think 3 of my favourite writters relpied and posted so quickly I 'm , mmm impressed .
Chris I was only fishing to see what sort of response I would get but hey now I know the rules I 'll try to post more songs.

Bluenight Angel thanks for your comments along with my old tipster L.k

hilch

Hey Hilch,

Im glad you summoned the courage :D , as a first up this is great. You have the bones of good song here with a little tweaking. The Celts ideas are good. What would really boost this song for me would be a couple of lines that give us an insight as to why your so stubborn, and why we should care. And what your stubborness has to do with your relationship with your wife and kids. Great start, look forward to some more :D .

pb

HEY HILCH :oops:

Just reading some other threads Q&A I might have to start calling you the piano man :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hope the hand gets better soon mate :cry:

cheers

L.K :arrow:

Thanks Lotto King yeah 6 weeks in plaster it s a good thing beer comes in cans now days ( lol )

hilch

Nothing much new to add here. I like the direction of the Celt's changes. The metre you use initially makes it very difficult to say much more than you did; the Celt adds some syllables (cheating sort of), but gets a better flow and a deeper meaning. There's a deep story here waiting to be explored. Even if you don't work anymore on this song, be sure to revisit the theme.