Hi all
I'm new to this. I've had fun with task 41 - and will be catching up to the current week as fast as I can.
Here's what I came up with. Its (in parts) very much my usual main style - so I'll be really interested to see how that changes over time. Hopefully I'll lean a bit of discipline!
My usual style is folk/blues stuff
1. – title
The confidence trick
2. – hidden meaning
How the “trick” of appearing confident will become real after a while
3. timeline/plot
- small child satisfied with self – no self-criticism or comparison
then starts to take on board criticisms from others & make comparisons
then adolescent starts to build an impossible archetype to live up to
then young adult learns to assume “confidence” as a mantle
then older adult realises is confident
then middle age discovers has lost fear of failrure
4 - stripped down chorus:
naked the day we were born
all that we are is all that we need
but the tree of knowledge once being climbed
rots its fruit and plants its own seed
and so we must cover ourselves up in tricks,
confidence tricks and emperors gowns
and slowly must learn to walk again, stripped,
naked, shameless and crowned.
5 - imagery source : textiles
loom, cloth, pattern book, dyes, colours, threads, design, darning, bolt of cloth, tack, stitch
spin, embroider, lace, homespun, rough,
6 - verses outline.
V1 : child absorbed in own world – happy with self
V2 : child sees watching eyes & starts to be selfconcious
V3 : adolescent builds archetype to live up to
V4 : learns to assume behaviour of confidence
V5 : discards the pretence & finds confidence has become real
7 – the verses in full
I laughed at my toes and cried for my feed
I played at cowboys and tag
My own opinion was all I would need
And I dressed up in beads and rag
I climbed up a tree and ripped my skirt
The hole in my skin ran red
I ran and I hid myself under the dirt
To hide from the eyes in my head
I fashioned a woman of wondrous Design
From a pattern book all of my own
I stitched myself up with a piece of my mind
And worried myself to the bone
I made me a coat to cover my wound
With patches I copied or stole
With threads from the warp of a piecemeal loom
I darned up the tear in my soul
When 40-odd summers had come and had gone
The child stood once more revealed
My coat fell away but my skin held strong
The wound in my world had healed
8. analysis
Initially I felt this method was way too confining. Normally I write from whatever bubbles up from my head, and the story and meaning can change as it emerges. This way I had to decide what I wanted to say, and then stick to it - which meant that the intention shaped the words instead of the words evolving their own path. Grrrrrrrr.
The chorus was really hard to write – and I don’t really like it – it’s a bit over-worthy (and over-wordy). (I totally failed the stripped-down chorus bit!). Probably it should be the kind of chorus that appears only twice – once at start & once at end & with different tune because it’s a different rhythm. Plus that last line makes me wince every time I read it, so that wants changing.....
Tasks 1 – 6 were done on one day, then I came back to do the verses as task 7 the next day. Bizarrely the verses just flooded out in the usual way, but guided by the outline I had written already. I am much happier with the verses – but perhaps that’s just because its my familiar style. I wonder whether my subconcious had been mulling things over while I slept & hence the second day things flowed whereas the first day had been like digging clay. I suspect, though, that the ideas that flow best are ones that probably only make much sense to me ? – so I don’t think the song will really communicate its “hidden meaning” very well!
Most of my songs come out within about 30 minutes, and this one took two days – but then I didn’t have to wait for the inspiration to strike – so I guess its quite a good method really.
Rewrite after getting together with the guitar & finding it was a bit unsingable:
Chorus:
Naked as the day that we were born
we are all that we need
but the tree of knowledge once being climbed
rots its own seed
so we cover ourselves in riddles & tricks
confidence tricks and emporors gowns
and never show our face again
until the 40th summer comes around
V1:
I laughed at my toes and cried for my feed
I played with cowboys and kings
a small back yard was all that I needed
and the spread of my arms for wings
I climbed a tree and ripped my skirt
the hole in my skin ran red
I ran and hid under the dirt
cried all night in my bed
chorus
V2
I fashioned a woman of wondrous design
from a pattern book all of my own
I stitched myself up with a piece of my mind
and worried myself to the bone
I made me a coat to cover my wounds
with patches I copied and stole
with threads from the warp of a piecemeal loom
I darned up the tear in my soul
chorus
V3
When 40-odd summers had come and gone
the child stood revealed
the coat fell away but the skin held strong
the wound in my world had healed
I laughed at my toes and cried for my feed
I played with cowboys and kings
a small back yard was all I needed
and the spread of my arms for wings
chorus
And now (damnation!!!) I've just realised that "cried for my feed" is going to sound too much like "cried for my feet" !!!!!!! - but I'll worry about that later.........
Another rewrite after singing together with my daughter:
Chorus:
Naked the day that we were born
we are all that we need
but the fruits of knowledge taste like bitter scorn
rotting the seed
so we cover it up in riddles & tricks
confidence tricks and emporors gowns
and we never show our face again
until the 40th summer comes around
V1:
I was the queen of a magical breed
I played with cowboys and kings
a small back garden was all that I needed
and the spread of my arms for wings
I climbed a tree and ripped my skirt
the hole in my skin ran red
I ran and hid myself under the dirt
the magic drained out of my head
chorus
V2
I fashioned a woman of wondrous design
from a pattern book all of my own
I stitched myself up with a piece of my mind
and worried myself to the bone
I made me a coat to cover my wounds
with patches I copied and stole
with threads from the warp of a piecemeal loom
I darned up the tear in my soul
chorus
V3
When 40-odd summers had come and gone
the child stood revealed
the coat fell away but the skin held strong
the scars and scratches had healed
I was the queen of a magical breed
I played with cowboys and kings
a small back garden was all I needed
and the spread of my arms for wings
chorus
It sounds not too bad at all when daughter & I belt it out nice & loud. I suspect there are still a few changes to be made, but its nearly there as far as I'm concerned.
Hi'a
Love your imagery, dunno what kinda tune you have in mind , let me know ok.
The only suggestion I would make is simplify the chorus a bit, it is quite long and involved and sounds like a verse rather than a chorus.
Other than that I really love it :D
Go well
Jamir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
cheers Jamir
You're dead right about the chorus - its trying to say too much I think. Now that I've got the tune sorted it will probably have to stay that long, or else the melody line won't make sense. I think that if I were starting again I'd try to make a much shorter catchier chorus, but it'll probably stay the way it is now. We are planning to sing it this weekend, so we'll see how it goes down in its current form.
I might go back to an earlier thought & just do the chorus at the start and end of the song, with the three verses all in a row in the middle - but that might make the verses sound tedious.... will have to try it out & see.
I don't quite know how to describe the tune. Perhaps I'll have a bash at MP3-ing it.
Hi'a
I know what you mean, I find it very difficult to change songs once I have then "sort of " finnished . My mind just can't think and i run into brick walls. I would love to hear the mp3. If you get it down please send me a copy to [email protected]. Really looking forward to hearing your style of music.
You could try using the chorus as a first verse, dunno if you could fit this with the music though. How long is the song by the way, with 3 verses and 4 chorus's it could be a bit big for downloading. approximately 4 mgs is the usual, although some are a bit longer ( that is about a four minute song )
Anyways, keep up the great inspiration
and go well
Jamir ;)
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Hagrider,
It's good to see you work on this and discover your own issues to fix.
The only line I think needs help is - I ran and hid under the dirt. Â It seems you want to break the spell when you are hurt and run back to reality. Â The magic spell has been broken.
One of my latest rants has been about the chorus. Â The chorus isn't to be treated as a verse. Â It's the inner message, the secret whispered aside telling the listener what it really is all about. Â It should be short and to the point.
What is the point of your song? Â It seems pretty obvious to me, so I'm sure you know it.
Can you distill that thought down to 4 lines? Â 6? 8?
How about if you lop of the first four lines and work with this:
so we cover it up in riddles & tricks Â
confidence tricks and emporors gowns Â
and we never show our face again Â
until the 40th summer comes around
How about if "it" in the first line is your true self. Â That childhood magic that let's you be what you want to be is now how you live your life?
so we cover up in riddles & tricks Â
grown up in the emperors gowns Â
never show you my riddles & tricksÂ
'til the 40th summer comes 'round
Then after that you could have almost a child like line or two of
Riddles and tricks
Riddles and tricks
Never show you my riddles and tricks
or something like that
This is really good writing. Â Keep up the good work.
