week 44 "The story of Sputnik I & II"

Hi Bluenight
the topics that you come up with to write about amaze me. I'll be honest I did find these a bit confusing this week but there is good stuff there to work with.
I prefer the first song ,the second just doesn't really feel like a song to me. It feels more like an explosion of ideas waiting to be made into something.
Gold sand currency is a great concept and I'd have liked to have seen you explore what you mean by it.
The verses all start well but the long last lines that don't rhyme just seem a bit out of place.

How about something like

Sputnik ,how about a tiny kiss
Nothing there that you would miss
Time doesn't matter when we're here
It's Chemistry when we're this near.

Just some rambling thoughts I'm afraid but it would be nice to see if you could just tighten up the ideas that you have got going on there.
Let me know if you think I've got it wrong
Beren

I'll echo Beren's comments on your choice of subject matter. You always have these big ideas. I think if you work on your execution of those ideas a bit.. you could have some great great stuff come out of it. You have a nice way of saying things.. but I notice that you're writing tends to get a bit muddled with large words. A lot of people like large words.. but i don't and here's why: I think they're hard to sing.. and I think they alienate certain people reading/hearing them... Even if they don't alienate a listener they may still give the impression that you're throwing in big words just to use them rather than for the purpose of furthering your story.

Oddly enough.. I have no idea who this character is you're writing about.. but I really don't need to to get the song. I think if you work on the language you use in your songs and focus more and the story you're trying to tell or the feeling you're trying to convey.. then you'll go very far as a writer.

Good ideas are the best starting point and you've got wonderful ideas.

-marv

Nice stuff bluenight,

Having "indeed" hanging out there on the end of the 'chorus' struck me as a little odd. not quite sure why.

lots of great imagery, the lines that struck me the most thou were
"Yet I understand, I won't argue on
I wouldn't have chosen myself either "

very clever

and it wouldnt be a true reply by me if i didnt have one pedantic little point, once which i will no doubt turn out to be wrong.
"Shattered as driftwood in the wind"
i would change to
"Shattered as driftwood upon the rocks"
as it seems a bit more realistic... though thats probably the kind of little thing you'd pick up anyway when fine tuning the song.

anyways, good writing!
sozay

hey :)

thanks for replying:) I always appreciate that very much.

hi beren;) It feels more like an explosion of ideas waiting to be made into something.
that's probably right...as you and marv pointed out I do have ideas but can't always work them out or make them work so to speak:) I did a bit of revision today, I'm not very far with it but I'll let you see what I've got so far. I left some things out, not for a real reason, just thought give it a shot.
Gold sand currency is a great concept and I'd have liked to have seen you explore what you mean by it. thanks! I wasn't so sure about it. I think the reason I didn't explain it further in the songs is that the songs' topic is something else: the 'relationship' between Sputnik(a.k.a. Miu, sputnik is the secret nickname Sumire got for her) and her assistent Sumire.
Anyway 'gold sand currency' to me just means that there's no money, no distractions, no materialistic matters on the island...you can 'buy' things with golden sand= they're free, ask and you very likely get it but you may hate it cause it destroys your illusions... furthermore 'gold sand currency' is somehow a symbol for the relationship between the girls.
The verses all start well but the long last lines that don't rhyme just seem a bit out of place.
I did something about it...maybe not exactly the way you meant it;) did you think them out of place because of the length or the content?

hi marv! well...I do get your point but you're right, I'm in love with big words(big in the sense of very long or in the sense of not-often-used/unfamiliar?).
Most of the time I don't have so much of a story to tell, I'm rather describing feelings or states of mind, I guess. anyway I'm grateful for your advice and I'll try to follow it next songs:)
Good ideas are the best starting point and you've got wonderful ideas.thank you, that means a lot to me:)

hey sozay:) you're right about the 'indeed' it's awkward. don't know why I did that:) I let it slip, looked for something to rhyme with 'here' and fit, unsuccessfully...so there will be nothing.period;)
your other criticism was helpful, too. look what I've got now;)

is there a word for ...er...like a storm, waves, the sea, wild/high waves, seastorm(=>shattering the driftwood)??

thank you all! tell me how you like the revisions;)
bluenightangel

little revisions:

Pictures of Sputnik
Gold sand currency, ideal exchange rate
The story of Sputnik I

Like flotsam and jetsam never found
It was this desert island we ran aground
Master and puppet, a slave to your mood
I'd lick your toes clean if that wasn't rude

Sun shine,
Sand white,
Waves alike
For the period of your smile

Gold sand currency
Nothing gets to us here
The grains stain, itchy they are
But the jewels of water
Make up for it

You don't dye your hair anymore
Said it was only me and I knew the story
It alters your wrinkles, increases their depth
Sweet vulnerability like the hulls wrecked

Gold sand currency
Nothing gets to us here
The grains stain, itchy they are
But the jewels of water
Make up for it

Sputnik, how about a tiny kiss?
There's nothing you would miss
For time's measured differently
On this sanctuary in the sea

And it'd make me
So damn happy,
Complicacy
Of human chemistry

Gold sand currency
Nothing gets to us here
No one would see
Let me kiss you, please
---
Photographs of Sputnik disgraced by time
Gold sand currency- inflation!
The story of Sputnik II

Violet the symphony of the waves
On their foamy back they carry your name
It still resonates on this hazy autumn's day
Memory of you crumpled in your wake

After all this time in your face I perceive
A faded reflection of the sea

Besides I actually do notice
How you start and wince
At the sight of anything
Remotely reminding
You of our time at the beach

I'm in for reproaches, sweetie
Don't you continue to treat me
Like a shell in a glass on the shelf
A remnant of an elapsed promenade

I was granted a touch of lips
You didn't return the kiss
Shattered as driftwood in the gale, I
Can't bury my hopes for you, Sputnik

A faded reflection of the sea

Sputnik, sweetheart
I hated your reject …… ion
Yet I understand, I won't argue on
I wouldn't have chosen myself either

Now I skim thru the old photographs
Why is it pictures never capture all the beauty
There's dust on our smiles
And it seems there was
A speck on the camera's eye

And after all this time
In your face I perceive
A pale reflection of the sea
Almost too shallow to see

P.S.: shall I explain the book's story? here we go: Sumire met Miu at a birthdayparty and fell in love with her. Miu hired the girl to be her assistant. together they visit an island(the house they lived in there was the house of one of Miu's customers). Sumire revealed her feelings towards Miu and was allowed to kiss her but Miu didn't return the kiss and then tragic things happened. that's the loose background of what I'm exploring in the songs. actually the 'not dying the hair anymore' thing was part of the book, too(Miu's hair is white because of a strange experience and normally she dyes it but on the island she doesn't cause there's like no one else and Sumire knows the story anyway).