Yet another sad song. I promise next week I'll write something happy. Its just that the sea is so melancholy.
Ocean Breaks
Hold a shell to your ear
And you can hear the ocean
And you can feel the motion
As she washes on the shore.
And the sigh
That she makes
As she breaks
I’ll not be making any more.
I’ve spent too many sleepless nights
Waiting for your key in the door
Too many nights spent listening
For your footsteps on the floor.
I’ve given up complaining
To these indifferent walls.
I’m telling you
That I won’t break no more.
Hold a shell to your ear
And you can hear the ocean
And you can feel the motion
As she washes on the shore.
And the sigh
That she makes
As she breaks
I’ll not be making any more.
How is it when you’re here
That I feel more alone?
Whenever you stand near
It just reminds me that your going.
Only you could make ‘Hello’
Sound so much like Goodbye.
I’m telling you
That I won’t break no more.
Hold a shell to your ear
And you can hear the ocean
And you can feel the motion
As she washes on the shore.
And the sigh
That she makes
As she breaks
I’ll not be making any more.
I’ve tasted hot salt tears
But I’ve done my time crying
Waited patiently for years
But I’m done with your lying
And though the waves
Still break upon the shore
I’m telling you
That I won’t break no more.
Beren
ps did I pinch the line 'these indifferent walls ' off someone else? I've got a feeling I might have heard it before but I'm not sure. If I have I apologise wholeheartedly.
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
Beren,
This is fantastic! I loved the line containing "these indifferent walls", but to tell you the truth, I don't know if you unwittingly "pinched" it or not. After I read your note at the bottom, they sounded vaguely familiar to me as well.
In any event, I think vs. 2 is just a masterful piece of writing. All three couplets in that verse are wonderful. I'm a sucker for that kind of contrast anyway, but you really did a great job on it. That'd have to be my favorite verse, but really the whole song is very well written, with an easy to follow meter, good rhymes and a terrificly (?) told story.
You want something nit-picky? the line "...reminds me that your going" -- should be "you're". That's the only thing I could find.
-- Scratch 8)
p.s. -- for a title, maybe "Beyond the Breakers" might be more descriptive?
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hi beren!
:cry: see this I'm weeping:)
there's nothing wrong with sad songs, these are my favourites...
don't you change the title! I think it's so damn beautiful and unusual(or is it just that I don't know the term?).
the chorus, wonderful, the verses...*sigh*
as for the 'indifferent walls'...I'm not sure I thought i knew them before I read your not...might that have been in some long-ago song by marv? 'down the drain'? I mean the one with the wedding ring and the pictures off the wall? might be just me fantasising :wink: after all it's not too specific a phrase I think, I believe I've even used this one before, so don't worry.
only thing I would stumble about is 'how is it when you're here that I feel more alone'...in my ears it'd sound better saying 'why is it...' ...?
Only you could make ‘Hello'
Sound so much like Goodbye. -this excellent lines are the only ones I could pick out for they're all really amazing.
you've definitely got a talent for melancholy songs :D
love,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Thanks for your comments as ever.
I take it that you don't think the link between the sea and the story is too contrived. I was a bit worried that it was a bit forced just for the sake of the assignment. Having said that I was quite pleased with the chorus.
You're right Bluenight - here in Scotland we often say 'how' instead of 'why'. It is bad English and I stand corrected.
I can't believe I let a 'your' instead of 'you're' slip past me. That's the kind of thing that really irritates me usually. (oh dear I sound like a sad grammar freak)
Anyway thanks again
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
Good song Beren. I notice that you have a very traditional "poetic" writing style which is nice. It's classic. It's dignified. I don't know how old you are.. but you write like an old soul. And even if you aren't conveying your proper self through your writing... at least I still feel the author behind the words regardless if my feeling is wrong. Feeling is feeling and that's what music is about.
I felt that your link to the ocean was a bit contrived as you said.. but not the point of being obvious or really detracting much form the song at all. So no worries. Nothing a bit of ocean atmosphere in the music wont patch easily.
Good work.
-marv
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Hey Marv,
my wife says I'm old but I hope she's just kidding. I'm probably not as elderly as my style suggests but I do have a simple philosophy when it comes to song writing :
I like simple language and every word should have a purpose. I also expect my songs to make sense. If the reader can't understand it at the end then I have wasted their time. We could probably all take afew more liberties with language if we were posting up completed songs here but I think that the challenge of writing lyrics that have to be able to stand up to scrutiny on there own is a great way of improving my song writing.
I really believe that on the pages of this forum we see lyric writing that is as good if not better than any published work I have come across. That's what keeps me coming back.
Beren
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind
hey beren,
i always enjoy reading your stuff. very heartfelt.
scratch already mentioned most of what i would want to say. good job scratch.
nice song and a wonderful read. i do have to agree that the ocean reference seem a little forced and contrived but not so much that it makes the song bad. you did such a good job writting the rest of it that it all holds up together.
How is it when you're here
That I feel more alone?
Whenever you stand near
It just reminds me that your going.
Only you could make ‘Hello'
Sound so much like Goodbye.
I'm telling you
That I won't break no more.this is my fav verse, like scratch. i like that the second to last line is shorter than the rest makes a nice little pause for that last line.
great job with the whole thing. you certainly managed to pack so much sentiment into one song. keep up the good work.
i am already anticipating your next song.
-CheapThrill
I can't really say if the Ocean theme sounds forced because I knew what the topic was this week. I don't think it would seem that way, but you might want to ask somebody to read it who isn't on this board to see if it strikes them as out of place.
I like how it has specific imagery, but evokes emotions that most people can understand. A personal story that the listener (or reader at this point) can empathize with because they've probably experienced something similar.
