Hey guys.
I haven't contributed to this board in a few months. I used to be Fruscian, but I can't remember my password, so I had to register again! Anyway, here's a song I wrote about waiting in line:
The Front Of The Queue
Verse
Green tiles, fluorescent lights
That sterilized scent of pain
I don't know what to expect
Waiting in this line today
I hear my name on the intercom
"Mr. Lovely, we're ready for you"
I cross my fingers and say my prayers
As I'm pushed to the front of the queue
Chorus
I was hoping that maybe this would take all day
I'm not in a hurry to hear what they have to say
This ain't the post office, or the DMV
Take as long as you want; I know what's waiting for me
At the front of the queue...
Verse
I greet the man and shake his hand
He shakes his head and sighs
With that clumsy medical smile
He points me to another line
So here I am with relatives,
strangers, and long lost friends
They're all standing in line with me
Waiting to meet their ends
Chorus
I was hoping that maybe this would take all day
I'm not in a hurry to hear what they have to say
This ain't the post office, or the DMV
Take as long as you want; I know what's waiting for me
At the front of the queue...
Goodbye Fruscian, hello Rico!!!
Excellent take on the assignment, the first two lines grabbed my attention straight away......
"Green tiles, fluorescent lights,
that sterilised smell of pain.."
Killer opening line! The rest of the song isn't half bad, either...there's only one line I'd change........
"Waiting to meet their ends".....sounds almost as if everyone's given up hope and everyone's just waiting to die......if you made it something like "waiting for their various ends" (the word "their" could be dropped if it doesn't scan well...) it would preserve a sense of ambiguity, after all we're never told exactly why the writer is there..........
Great job though, look forward to more from you - if you can remember your name!!!
:D :D :D
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Rico
Great job. You had me waiting for the bad news of cancer or something
Only one thing ruined it for me when I read it the second time. Something was just not right on the first read
V1 line3 “ I don't know what I'm doing here†It just don't seem to fit the plot of the song. Maybe if you said something in the line of “ I don't know what to expect.....or think....or feel. See what I mean.
Other than that I think it is great.
Looking forward to read more of your stuff
Blessings. Olav
Thanks for the suggestions guys!
I agree that "Waiting to meet their ends" is pretty pessimistic, but that's what I was going for... A hospital tends to create those kinds of negative thoughts...as if you're just waiting to die.
I'm definitely going to change the "I don't know what I'm doing here" to "I don't know what to expect/feel". Now that I read it again I definitely see what you mean. You're right...the song is more or less about someone waiting to die after being diagnosed with some fatal disease like cancer.
Wow. I must be totally out to lunch. Even with the doctors and the hospital references, I thought this had more of an Orwellian / Logan's Run kind feel to it. Anyways, it's well written, Rico. Even if it took me a while to get it. Just tired today, I guess. Hmmm.... you might try an Orwellian twist on this though, it could work you know.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
That's an awesome interpretation...
I read it again with your interpretation in mind...very spooky.
I read it again from a "Logan's Run" point of view.......be afraid, be VERY afraid!
Funny, it's obviously not the way you wrote it, Rico, but now Scratch has pointed it out I can see exactly what he means!
Going of now to hide in a dark corner............
Vic
Something that just came to mind - a line from a classic film - Edward G Robinson......."Is this the end of little Rico?"........was it "Little Caesar?"....fits the song anyway!!!!
:D :D :D
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
hi rico:)
I like it too
first line of chorus is great...been there;)(although not any fatal disease like cancer)
the song is overall dark/depressing/sinister/pessimistic/whatever but one thing made me laugh though....'mr. lovely'? that's sweet(or is it your real name?)
greets
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Very nice Rico,
Using Scratch's theme, the one comment I have would be to get the word doctor out of there. Try and find something with more of a double meaning. That way the song really is left open to the listeners interpretation. For me, as soon as you mention doctor I know you are in a hospital. You cant expect everyone to be like Scratch and completely miss the point and make up a very cool meaning (just kidding Scratch). Am I making sense???? If doctor is not in there, the song can be taken many different ways. Opens up your audience so to speak.
But hey, if you really want them to know, of course you leave it in.
TheJackal
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Sorry guys,
Guess I need to finish a thought before I post.
What about something as simple as
I greet the man and shake his hand
He shakes his head and sighs
"The man" gives it a completey different kind of feel.
The Jackal.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413
Only dead fish go with the flow.
actually Lovely really is my last name...it's a curse and a blessing at the same time. :-)
Jackal,
Thank you very much for you input...you're right, I didn't like that "doctor" line either. Especially after reading Scratch's awesome interpretation, I would like to leave it open. It's funny, I kept thinking about all these big words to replace doctor with, but "Man" didn't even cross my mind. It's perfect! Thanks dude. I'll go ahead and change it.
Thank you guys very much! You've really helped out the song. I appreciate all the input.
Rico
